Tanking

I was feeling pretty good, then I tanked. I tanked hard. Life is awesome.

You know what is amusing to me?

When people underestimate me. When people do not know what I am capable of. When all they see is some blonde girl who likes to laugh at silly things and cuss up a storm. It has happened a lot in my life because people only know what I WANT them to know.

Sometimes at work it happens. I'll solve some problem some Harvard idiot who is mean to people has been working on for years. You should see the look on their faces. It is super entertaining. I am not the smartest person who ever lived by a long shot, but I have my moments. Life gets the best of me sometimes, though, just like everyone else. I battle with stupid depression and anxiety, and that skews my judgement occasionally.

I have had an interesting life. Much more interesting than what you read here. I have also seen and been through some incredibly horrific things. Things I don't talk about. I made a conscious choice a while ago to change who I used to be. I haven't always been the kind of person God would be proud of. (I'm still not, really.) I have done some really crappy things. I went to therapy to solve my anger issues, and I think I have. Which is good. Being angry and bitter and vengeful just makes you miserable inside, and you end up having so many regrets. I, for one, want to be the kind of person people WANT to know. Want to be with. Being kind and generous and compassionate brings more happiness than millions of dollars. When you can go to bed at night with a clear conscience, it is the best feeling in the world. No, I'm not perfect. FAR from it. BUT I'm trying to be a better person. I do love God, some of you know that. I will let HIM do the judging. However, for anyone who wishes me or those I care about harm, tread lightly.

Jinxed

Well, it has been a stupid day. I haven't felt well today and have been in bed for most of it. Now I'll be up all night. Awesome. I wanted to go on a movie date tonight with the hubs, but I don't know. Maybe tomorrow. I have a new friend over at "Jinxed". Funny! I have many stories to share there. I truly am JINXED.

Vino

This is last night's post that I didn't hit the send button on. Having a little vino. Unfortunately, I still can't tell you what I was doing today, it's still too early. Patience. It's overrated, isn't it?

Man, I'm tired this morning! It is entirely too early to be up on a Saturday.

Riddle Me a Lollipop

I answered the riddle of the day at the bank and got a lollipop. Now I'm off to my adventure!

Teriyaki

I am a HUGE teriyaki fan, and out of the billions I've tried, I like this one the best. Just so you know.

What am I up to, you ask?

Well, I'm forming some plans to have a life. I think I'm going to start having some fun. I've enjoyed the last couple of "nights out" I've had, and I think there just may be some more in store. I may know more tomorrow about some additional big changes for me, but I can't say until I'm sure. Don't want to be premature with this. I've been doing some thinking the last week or so and I'm feeling better and stronger now and maybe even a little feisty!

Up to no good.

Boy, it sure looks like I'm up to something. I think maybe I am.

Quiet

I've been rather quiet the last few days, I know. I have all these questions in my head that I can't answer.

Also, on Friday, I may find out that the gears of my life will shift yet again.

Team Sawyer

I get to dive into the world of LOST again soon. A much awaited and much needed escape. They better answer some QUESTIONS this season! I HATE waiting! I hate being confused!

 
So, girls, are you a Jack girl or a Sawyer (James) girl? I go back and forth.

I kind of feel LOST.

Wild hair day with quotes.

"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument."

-William G. McAdoo

"Never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up."
-Jesse Jackson

"Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."
-Unknown

Back to the ice-cold stare look today, Nichole. Sorry. It's all I've got at the moment.

Razor's Edge

OK, enough with the sappy bullshit. Let's get things back to normal around here. Driving to work this morning I wasn't in the mood for news, traffic or soothing tunes. I popped in an AC/DC CD and cranked it. Mood music. ;-) After rocking out to Thunderstruck (which makes me drive too fast), "Razor's Edge" came on. It brought back a memory. Before I was "CrazyDogMama", I was "Razor's Edge". Yup.

Celebrating Friends

I have some really great friends. I would be dead without them. Literally. They are always there to pick me up off the ground just when I think I have no one. Some of them I don't talk with every day, and a few I don't see often, but when I need them, they are there. They don't always tell me what I want to hear, but they don't judge me, and they sit and cry with me. They pray for me. They've lent me money when they had very little themselves. They answer texts at 3 am. They panic when I don't blog for 24 hours or answer my emails. They love me even when I'm out of control or being high maintenance. I would die for them. I am there for every one of you. Forever. Thank you.

Mentally Retarded Dog

I have a mentally retarded dog, Louie, who pees in his own bed. I woke up this morning to the lovely smell of urine because his little cheetah bed is next to mine. YUCK. Fortunately, I bought the kind of dog bed you can throw in the washer, or so it said. So, I threw it in the washer. I am also apparently mentally retarded. Water came spewing out of the washer EVERYWHERE and it started going CLUNK. CLUNK. CLUNK, moved about a foot until its cord was yanked out of the wall, then shut off. Awesome.

Throwing Rocks

I'm alive and well. Sometimes I need a break, I'm sure you can understand that. Life threw a rock at my head, and it took a day to stop the bleeding. Ha, that kind of reminds me of a story. There was this boy in elementary school who used to throw rocks at me on our walk home. I ran from him at first, and would cry, but then one day I got sick of it, and started chucking rocks right back at him. Turned out he had a crush on me. We were besties after that.

Another blow.

Another new look. Down, get back up, down, get back up.

For Yogagirl

Howz THIS look, Missy? Hehe, I just called Yogagirl Missy. LOL.

My disillusioned look.

On a good note, I have been enjoying work the last few days, and having some fun. People are loosening up a bit and engaging my humor and playfulness.

Disillusioned

dis·il·lu·sion (noun.)

To free or deprive of illusion.
1. The act of disenchanting.
2. The condition or fact of being disenchanted.

disillusioned (adjective.)
Disappointed at finding out reality does not match one's ideals.

Yeah, this describes how I'm feeling. Especially the adjective definition. I don't know why I'm surprised. Why would I expect that any of my ideals existed? You can fall in love with an ideal, but don't be fooled. I'm angry. I am not directly involved, at least not anymore, but I'm sickened by some behavior I've run across. It seems some people can so easily bash and slander, yet they cannot or will not acknowledge what is in their own heart. Maybe hate is what is really in their heart. Let me give some advice for what it's worth. Fill your life with compliments and truth and wear your heart on your sleeve. Be transparent. Yeah, sometimes you get clobbered, but some of life's best and most important moments will more likely fill your heart that way. You will be able to say what you want to say without regret, you can put yourself out there and find what you're looking for. Does it always work? No. But if it doesn't, then it wasn't worth it anyway. Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation causes death. Death to the soul. It's not too late. Start now. You might be surprised at what awaits you.

Smoke and Mirrors

Oops. Only meant to delete one post, not three. LOL. I get a little click happy sometimes. Now I guess I'll have to post some new stuff. The internet is such a fascinating place, isn't it? Sometimes people aren't as smart as they think they are. Smoke and mirrors.