More backyard pictures!

Jim has done the awesomest job ever on our backyard. It only took us 8 years to plant anything in our backyard, but HEY, it's hard.

#1 My pretty rose garden. Just pray that I don't kill them, mmmkay?

#2 Gardener Jim, A.K.A. my lawn boy.

#3 My most excellent Japanese Red Maple! Her name is Hilda.

#4 Pearl, the other Maple.

#5 My bush corner.

#6 More herbs! I made linguini tonight with basil, tomatoes, white wine, olive oil, lemon thyme and garlic. It was quite good.

#7 My new dining room table. I have a big girl table now!

#8 It's Hella Good! The label says so!

#9 I had to include a picture of Lou, well, just because.

Pablo and the Holy Water

First of all, this has GOT to be the BEST title for a movie EVER, "Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death". It wins, and YES, I rented it. Haven't watched it yet, though.

Second, I did watch "Black Snake Moan", which was a really good flick. Both Christina Ricci and Samuel Jackson did a great job, and (hold onto yourselves) Justin Timberlake can actually act. Who knew? Anyway, I recommend it.

Third, we now call Louie "Pablo" and here's why:

Background: Louie is our fuzzy little Cairn Terrier with an attitude the size of Asia. Most of the time he is a cuddle-bug who makes me laugh. In the morning when I'm getting ready for work, he goes and lays in his crate because he knows I'll be leaving soon. This has been our routine for 8 years. When I actually go to leave, I shut the door to his crate so that he doesn't destroy my house while I'm gone. This has never been a problem in the past, he just sleeps until I get home. HOWEVER, in the last 6 months, he has decided that the shutting of his crate door sucks big donkey dick, and he starts barking and snap-growling when I start to shut it. This is NOT acceptable behavior, and I won't have it, but I had no idea how to stop him from doing it. Jim finally decided to try spritzing him with "Bitter Apple" when he starts the snap-growling, and it worked! The damn dog shut right up, then proceeded to smack his lips and dramatically hack. (It doesn't hurt the dog, it is made for dogs, they just don't like it.) We now call it "Holy Water" for our possessed dog. As Jim described this process to me on the phone, this was how the conversation went:

Jim: It works great! In fact, it was kind of funny.

Me: Cool! We should associate the act of spraying him with a command of some sort so that he will stop doing it when we just say the word. You know, use the "Pablo's Dogs" theory.

Jim: Pablo's Dogs?

Me: Yeah, you know, the theory everyone learned in Psychology class with the salivating dogs?

Jim: That's "Pavlov's Dogs", dear heart.

Me: *Started laughing so hard that I almost had to pull the car over*

Me, the next morning: "Come on Pablo, it's time for your holy water."

This is what happens when I tell them I want to take nice pictures.

Yes, another BBQ in my back yard. You would think we lived out there. Well, we do. We are not exciting people, you see. Jim got a new BBQ for Father's Day. A big boy BBQ! He wanted steak. I got a little planter pot for my herbs (not for Father's Day, just because I'm so cool), which currently consists of only chives because I killed the basil, cilantro and dill. Oops. So, here is a little photo entourage of the silly and somewhat psychotic little life that I live:

#1 Jim and Bill presenting "Esther". I name everything, even the BBQ.

#2 My lovely chives.

#3 Did I mention my stepson was in drama?

#4 Checking to make sure it's still there, I guess.

#5 Can you taste it?

#6 Trying to explain these two? Forget it.

#7 It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time, apparently.

#8 Peanut Butter Jelly Time is getting out of hand.

#9 Photoshoots wear them out.

Fat Mama's Knock You Naked Margarita Mix

I know I've talked about this before, but it deserves a second post. I just wanted to let you all know that I will be stocking up on it for the summer.

Best shizzle EVER.

Get it here. If the link is broken just go to Amazon.

Held at Gunpoint

My husband held me at gunpoint and made me eat Ding Dongs.

I found a very interesting article. Although I attribute my weight more to my Hostess habit, I think this author has some valid points. Give it a read, and don't judge until you are all the way through it.

"The Biggest Threat to Amercia" by Chuck Norris

South Park

Funniest South Park episode EVER: Evolution explained: Monkeys having butt sex with retarded fish frogs.

So how was my weekend you ask? I had a garage sale. I did make over $200 though, so there was that. We pretty much did nothing else and I'm tired as hell today.

It's not a ho down, it's a hose down!

It was hella hot this weekend, and especially humid yesterday. Hubby and I got out the hose and tortured the dogs.

#1 Louie giving me the stink-eye as he gets sprayed.

#2 Louie appreciating the cool down and rolling in the grass for maximum smelliness.

#3 Wet Maggie who closely resembles a fruit bat.

#4 Nothing like an ice-cold beer in the sweltering heat.

#5 Our BBQ'd ribs, mmm, meat.

#6 My weekend project was painting and organizing my pantry. It was so not fun, but I did an awesome job, no? Don't judge me for the stupid products I have in there.

Here fishy, fishy fishy.

Finally, the long Memorial Day weekend! I took Friday off to make it 4 days off and went fishing with my parents. Here is what happened.

My mom caught 2 trout, my dad caught 2 trout and everyone on the fricking dock caught fish EXCEPT ME. I got lots of bites, but none on the hook. DAMN IT.

I got stung on the NECK by a humming-bird-sized Bumble fucking Bee. I'm allergic to wasps, so thank God it wasn't a wasp, but STILL. Now you all know I am a complete spaz, so you can just imagine the dance I did when this monster kept dive-bombing me and landed on my neck. I broke my chair. At that point of no fish, a stung neck and a broken chair it was time to go home and regroup. Seriously. WTF?

This is the tacklebox I got when I was like 10 or something. I do know how to catch fish for anyone who might want to be a smartass commentor.

I put pictures of my mom & dad fishing on my flickr account, but I doubt I will be able to keep them there because I will be threatened with bodily harm. So, go look quick before I get beat up.

As for the rest of my weekend, we did nothing on Saturday, went to my parent's house for barbecued teriyaki chicken on Sunday (Yum!) and basked in the sun on the back porch on Monday. Not real exciting, but better than working. I'll be looking forward to reading all your guys' blogs, for I am sure you can top this.

Sometimes I get bored.

The brightest and prettiest rainbow I've ever seen. The picture doesn't do it justice. Where the hell is my pot o' gold? Hiding behind my hair on Monday Morning. Don't let the beast out.

Plays and Presents

It took me awhile to download the pictures from my camera, so you are getting some belated picture updates. The first picture is my stepson (left) with his friends on the night of his play "Aladdin". He was fabulous. The second picture is the presents my hubby and stepson got me for Mother's Day; some tulips (my favorite!), some chocolates and a basket with girl stuff in it. (Candles, wine, and bath stuff.) This is all you are getting right now because I have the need to go bake a chocolate cake. Buh-bye!

I've got a fever, and the prescription is, MORE COWBELL.

Just a little something for all you SNL fans out there. I saw that clip the other night and it just makes me giggle every time.

Here is what is going on in my life:

#1 I got my hair foiled! I'm very blonde again!

#2 I am a total LOST junkie, "4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42". We're about halfway through the second season where Shannon was just shot by Anna Lucia, a.k.a. Rambo girl. I am in love with Sawyer. Isn't everyone? Jack is too metro. Sayid is pretty hot too, actually. I have changed my mind about Jin, he is less of a dickwad now.

#3 I am trying out some dinners from "Month of Meals", they look really good, and surprisingly they are pretty inexpensive! I'm picking them up tonight.

#4 My mom is on the hunt for a new puppy! So fun!

#5 I did many squats/lunges/calf-raises on Monday and my legs have ceased to work. I say "OW" every other step when walking. My coworkers think this is funny.

#6 Apparently, I throw things in my sleep.

#7 I am having a much needed "girl's night" tomorrow night, but I thought it was last Thursday and showed up at my friend's house. Good thing she wasn't home. Who is retarded? That would be me.

Questions you were asking yourself 3 years ago.

1. WTF is that big thing in the jungle?
2. What on earth did she DO?
3. How the hell do that many people survive a plane crash?
4. Who the fuck is the guy in the suit who keeps appearing and then disappearing?
5. Why do I want to punch the ditzy blonde so badly?
6. Why does the cute guy who looks like Viggo Mortensen have such a 'tude?
7. Is the old guy just a bit off, or is it me?
8. Why was the dog hiding?
9. When is the Asian chick going to get all up in her husband's grill about being such a fucker?

YES, I am finally watching LOST. I love it! I can't believe I waited this long to see it. I have watched the first 4 episodes and going to watch more tonight. DO NOT RUIN IT FOR ME, if you tell me spoilers, I will hunt you down and let my dogs eat you.

What Cheryl Needs.

This is a funny Meme from Annie. What you do is google your name + "needs", then write down what comes up, so I did. Cheryl needs lots of things.

1. Cheryl needs to write some functions to figure out how that happened. (Um, what? Sure. I write functions all the time.)

2. Cheryl needs to stop sending me dirty emails. (Yeah, baby, I'm so bad!)

3. Cheryl needs to have an affair. (NO, Cheryl doesn't! Ha! She would get kicked in the twat for that one.)

4. Cheryl needs a good slap. (Yes, she certainly does. Probably for the dirty emails. LOL.)

My God.

This is terrible.

Greensburg, Kansas - F5 Tornado damage, aerial view.

Microwave Massacre

Yes, I actually rented this movie. I haven't watched it yet, but I'm betting that I will like it based on this blurb I found on badmovies.org:

Things I Learned From "Microwave Massacre":

1. Every movie should begin with drum music and a girl's breasts flopping around.
2. A three pound crab is pretty frightening.
3. Food shouldn't match your furniture.
4. Guys like girls with large breasts for their personality.
5. If you don't like what's for dinner, get a mouthful of water and spit it into the food.
6. Girls: Your marriage is in trouble if the hubby throws a fit then urinates in the living room.
7. People stay fresh longer in aluminum foil.
8. Two things not to say when picking up a girl: "You're not used to being on your feet." and "You look a lot better in the dark."
9. Everyone keeps a hatchet in the kitchen.
10. Never dress like a chicken around cannibals.
11. Doctors use syringes as darts.
12. Vibrators make good gardening tools. (You heard me right, and there is no way in Hell I'm explaining.)

ROFLMAO!

Hangin' with my Peeps.

I crack myself up.

Irritated

For the horrific price of $100, we can both get our gas tanks filled! OMG. Gas prices SUCK. How in the hell are we supposed to pay this? It keeps going up! I used to be able to fill my tank for $13. The world is coming to an end.

Oh, and its National "Take your damn kids to work" day, and my work HONORS this. I get to work with a bunch of screaming brats today. Can you say MONGOLIAN CLUSTER FUCK? I knew you could.

Thinking Blogger Award

I was awarded a Thinking Blogger Award by Annie, can you believe it? THINKING? ME? BA-HA!! Wasn't aware I did that. Especially here at the CDM bloggery. Nevertheless, she said some incredibly wonderful things about me, and I am eternally grateful. She is the sweetest and funniest girl I've ever met, and I'm honored to be her friend. We were inseparable at one time and have some seriously great memories. We don't see each other much now because we live a bit far and she has a new baby who is SO CUTE YOU WANT TO CHEW ON HIS LITTLE TOES that keeps her busy, but when we do have a chance to get together, it is like no time has passed at all.

How this works:

1. If (and only if) you are tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award' with a link to the post that you wrote.

I would put Annie's blog as my first Thinking Blogger Award, but I probably can't do that since she's already gotten one and that would be breaking the rules, but just so she knows I would pick her, and OMG this is a major run-on sentence so whatever.

OK, here goes:

1. BOA (Broke and Angry) - Always a treat to read. He is very passionate about illegal aliens and Wells Fargo. All around a nice whiner that will make you laugh. Also, newly married, which makes him a prime target for us old married folks to tease and give stupid advice to!

2. Yogagirl - She is great! She is a yoga instructor and knows everything about yoga. She is inspiring and funny and also a sweetheart, one of the very first blogs I read, and we bonded nicely because she has a really cute fuzzy doggie! She is also quite possibly the best decorator EVER.

3. Otter - This Southern belle is HYSTERICAL. Not only does she write well, she, like, KNOWS PHYSICS and shit! She was my very first commentor. She also has a cute little baby boy and is a jewelry maker, knitter and cook extraordinaire!

4. Skwigg - Skwigg is AWESOME. If you want to lose weight or become a ninja fighter, she's your girl! Seriously! I would not want to piss Skwigg off. She is also funny and real and a super interesting person. Even if you aren't into fitness, she will keep you entertained with her 3 crazy dogs. She is definitely an honorary CrazyDogMama!

5. Spank Your Inner Moppet - Colleen! Not only a great writer, but witty and sweet! She cracks me up too, and you guessed it! A cute doggie! She will also kick your ass ninja-style.

Well, I have to say, it was very difficult to pick only 5. There are so many of you that I would put up there! Basically, if you are on my links list, I wanted to nominate you. I love you all! You all keep me continually inspired to blog!

HERE IS SOME MORE CONTENT FOR THIS POST, AS IF IT WASN'T LONG ENOUGH ALREADY:

I was also tagged to do an "interview", and Annie over at "yerdoingitwrong" asked me these questions, so now I'm going to answer them. If someone wants me to interview them, let me know! Don't expect me to do it quickly, though, because I'm a lazy ass.

1.) You've been married a long damn time. What three pieces of advice would you give to someone just starting their journey?

Wow. I have been married a long time. Almost 13 years. Crap. I guess my first piece of advice would be to let the little things go. Don't get all amped up over dumb shit. Two, um, when you fight (and you know you will) don't bring up crap from the past, stick to topic. If you don't, every little thing you have ever done will bite you in the ass. Three, enjoy each other. Make sure you take advantage of all the things you like about your spouse. If you like movies, watch a lot of movies together, if you like to talk, chat it up, if you like theme parks, go! Be best friends.

2.) If you could spend a month anywhere and money was not an issue, where would you go and why?

Hmm. I guess I would travel Europe with my hubby. Germany, Italy, France, those places. He has been there and has always wanted to take me. I have been NO WHERE. Seriously. I've been to like, 3 fucking states. That are close by. I need some culture. Although, laying on the beach drinking margaritas in Bora Bora for a month doesn't sound bad either.

3.) If your life were going to be made into a movie what actors/actresses would play the following roles and why?

You: Some batshit crazy blonde. Maybe the role Kelly Lynch played in "Warm Summer Rain". No explanation needs to be given, right? (Great flick, by the way. A CrazyDogMama favorite.)
Jim: Kevin Costner. Jim's sense of humor reminds me of Kevin in the movie Bull Durham. Plus, he's handsome!
Your mom: Sally Fields. She looked like her in her younger days, and she is short and sassy like that.
Your dad: This one is hard. Dan Akroyd? I don't know why. Maybe because he is a big silly guy?
Jim's son: He kind of reminds me of Zach Braff from "Scrubs", but cooler.

4.) Tell us about your best drunk moment.

BEST drunk moment, or STUPIDEST drunk moment? I'll go with stupid. I drank 9 double rum and cokes in a small dive bar when I first met Jim. I then proceeded to tell some guys in the bar that Jim could kick their ass. Collectively. We left running, and I drove down the wrong side of the road. When we got to Jim's place, I fell on my face in the middle of the street. Then, I puked on his carpet, and he had to call my dad (who he had never met) and tell him I was passed out drunk on his couch. Jim's mother managed the apartment complex we were in (Jim's apartment) and before she met me, had to replace the carpet in that apartment because of my really lovely puke. One of my shining moments, don't you think?

5.) Describe your perfect day.

I win, inherit or find millions of dollars. Then, do whatever the hell I want!

FEAST

OK y'all, I just possibly watched the best horror movie on the planet. I have a new favorite, and it may even surpass Texas Chainsaw Massacre, if that is even possible.

Jim and I had "Horror Fest" starting Friday night. (It was Friday the 13th, you know!) We rented 6 horror movies and had popcorn and candy.

"Feast" is FUCKING AWESOME. I mean it. It has everything, a generous amount of gore, appropriate suspense, a good story, and the most hilarious script EVER. Even the monsters are good, even if a little cheesy. I was never bored, and I think in one part I laughed so hard I peed a little. It was obvious that it was the director's intention for you to laugh. The director takes every horror movie cliche and fucks with it. At first, I thought, "OK, this is corny", but as it progresses, the corniness is absolute perfection because you need the comic relief. The rest of the movie is like OMG did that just happen? When's the last time you could say that about a horror movie? I've been so disappointed with horror movies in the last 10 years or so. Every now and then one comes out that I like, but I'm never so "wowed" that I'm clapping at the end. I'm buying this movie. Seriously, if you are a horror fan, you'll love it.

As for the other 5 movies I rented? Meh.

"Unrest" - It was OK. Slow start. Pretty good rental.
"See no Evil" - Lacking. A couple of good kill scenes.
"Hard Candy" - Good acting, decent movie, but I wouldn't buy it.
"Pulse" - Stupid.
"The Pumpkin Karver" - I wanted to rip my own eyeballs out. I was laughing, but it wasn't the director's intention.

Strangers watching me sleep.

I woke up every 2 hours last night. Which is nothing new. I'm not particularly stressed or anything, I just have sleeping issues. I can fall asleep in 8 nanoseconds, but then I keep waking up. I actually went to see a specialist on Tuesday about this and he wants me to go to a sleep clinic so they can figure out what's going on with me. Great. Strangers watching me sleep. That should be neat.

I don't know what else to say. I've really got blogger's block. I could like, take a picture of my hand or something, but I'm not sure that would captivate you.

Oh, just watched the episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" where Ray's mom creates an abstract sculpture that looks exactly like a vagina. It was pretty freakin' funny. Would you buy it?