It is WAY too hot for me.

It was 100 degrees this weekend at my house. No breeze, lots of humidity (air stagnation), no air conditioning except the little one in my bedroom, and no shade or trees over my house. I wore a white T-Shirt with no underwear and no bra ALL WEEKEND. I did not change. I stayed in my bedroom 90% of the time bored out of my mind. I did not eat much because when I ventured out to the kitchen, I was drenched in sweat within 10 seconds.

I don't do well in the heat, but this was ridiculous. I did not go outside AT ALL for fear that my skin would sizzle off. Now, you have to understand, I live near Seattle, you know, the rainy place. No one here is used to this kind of insane weather. You can't breathe when it gets over 85 degrees. I can get my mind around summer weather, swimming, picnics, etc., but when it goes into the 100's, it's like curl up in the fetal position in your tiny little bedroom with no lights on and a little air conditioner that is working overtime and rub popsicles all over your body.

This heat wave has no end in sight. It was nice to come to work today in the air-conditioned office. I may be working many hours this week.

Dog Food and Grocery Store Behavior

OK, so I got Louie his frigging gourmet dogfood. He was seriously excited. He was eating so vigorously that he was banging his bowl against the cabinets. I was just shaking my head. It's like we had been starving him or something.

We ran out of people food yesterday, and even though I don't get paid until tomorrow we decided to go grocery shopping last night and just floated a check. Sad, I know. Anyway, Jim and I shopping together is kind of funny. There was this big "buy one get one free" sale at Albertson's, so we were all over that. We met at the store after we got off work. (Usually, I just do the grocery shopping by myself, and now I know why.)

First, Jim yelled at me because my car is dirty, and he hates that. "Why don't you ever clean this car?" "I'm going to trade it in for a Yugo." Then, as we were walking in the parking lot toward the store, we were scoping out different entrances and kept bumping into each other. I finally pushed him, and he said, "Why the hell are you pushing me?" and I said, "Because you keep running into me." Then he said, "How about we go in the same entrance?" Hehe.

So, then we get inside. I grab a cart, put my purse in it and start flipping through the sale ads to find out what I want. I also got my calculator out. (Shut up, we are on a budget.) Jim rolls his eyes and gets all annoyed. "Are you coming or WHAT?" I beeline for the first "buy one get one free" display. Jim says, "Where's the fire?" I start thinking to myself, "First he is annoyed that I'm going too slow, now I'm going too fast. MAKE UP YOUR MIND." It is hot and muggy, and the store is crazy with people everywhere and I'm starting to get irritated. After putting a few items in the cart, we notice that it is one of those squeaky-can't-push-it-in-a-straight-line kind of carts. We look at each other. I shrug and keep going. Jim huffs REALLY loud and stomps off to get a new cart. I wait for him. He comes back and *dramatically* transfers our items to the new cart. I giggle.

I have to tell him THREE times that he is putting the wrong refried beans in the cart. I'm sure people are watching us by this point. We get to the meat department. I start looking for the "buy one get one free" items in one area, and Jim goes down further to look. Neither one of us can figure out which fucking meat items are on sale. We start bitching to ourselves out loud about this. More staring. Then, I become obsessed with finding my favorite cheese. (Mexican Velveeta.) I'm craving it for some reason. Since this is not the regular store we shop at, neither one of us have the first clue where anything is in the store. It takes me like 40 minutes to find it because they don't keep it in the FUCKING CHEESE SECTION. Jim tries to keep up, bitching the whole way that I need to forget about the cheese.

Jim, then, becomes obsessed with getting ingredients to make banana splits because that is what HE is craving. (I am now focused on finding the on-sale pineapple chunks.) To make a long story short, we are nut-jobs out in public together. I think there were other little things that happened, but I can't remember them right now and I'm tired of typing, so bye.

My Spoiled Rotten Little Brat

That would be Louie. We have been on a tight budget lately, so I bought some less expensive dog food. Not CHEAP food, mind you, just less expensive. Usually, the brats are fed the highest quality dog food I can find, one that has flax seed oil and duck as main ingredients. (Good for the coat.) Lou and Mags did fine for about 2 weeks and inhaled the food like normal in about 20 seconds. The past few days, however, Louie has decided that this food isn't good enough for him. I pour it in his dish, he sniffs it, and then looks back up at me like, "Are you kidding me?" He takes one bite, then walks away huffing and pouts for about an hour. He only takes one bite at a time so that he doesn't starve to death. He accidentally dropped a piece of food in his water, and then he WOULDN'T DRINK THE WATER because, you know, EWW. So, he went and drank Maggie's water. Little fucker. He is now ignoring me and won't listen to a word I say. I am apparently being punished for feeding him crap food.

Oh, and BTW, Louie is not sick. I was eating toast the other day and when I went to go turn the stove off (gone 30 seconds or so) Louie had jumped up on the coffee table and devoured it before I got back.

Blowing up the neighborhood.

The kids: My stepson Bill, my stepson's cousin Nathan, and my husband. Being the safety-conscious and concerned parents that we are, here are the boys holding Roman Candles in their hands and lighting off illegal bottle rockets. They also lit off mortars, which were really quiet. Ha. I also took a picture of the sunset, which I'm calling a "nuclear sunset" because upon hearing about North Korea firing their test missiles I thought, "Hmm, I wonder if that's nuclear fallout." It was eerily beautiful. All said and done, we had fun, and everyone had all their body parts intact by the end of the evening. Happy 4th.

Eagle Falls

It was ninety frickin' five today. TOO HOT. I am sweating as I write this because we have no air conditioning, because who needs air conditioning in rainy Washington? We had to go propel ourselves into glacier water today to survive. We drove up to Eagle Falls on the Skykomish River, also known as "The Milepost 39 Swimming Hole", which is only about 30 minutes East into the mountains from our house. It felt really good (although Jim was kind of a wuss about it), and we also stopped at "Zekes" to belly-up on some grease. I am now a burnt lobster and want to die.

Chick Flick Day

Well, Annie said not to rush to the theatre, but I went and saw "The Lake House" anyway today. Actually, I liked it. Now SEE? I'm not JUST a psychopathic horror flick movie watcher, I am also a hopeless romantic. After that, I went home and BBQ'd buffalo burgers and watched "The Girl Next Door" on HBO On Demand. That was also good. It has been a successfully sappy day.

My Start in Horror

OK, Colleen has inspired me to write about how I became a horror movie fanatic and what actually scares me. Here's the scoop. Right now, the only things that actually scare me are spiders and children, BUT there was a time when really dumb horror movies did make me totally freak out. My mom and dad loved horror movies, so that's where it started.

We used to go camping a lot when I was a kid. We would hear bears wandering around the camp site at night. Try watching the movie "Prophecy" when you are 8, then go camping in the Pacific Northwest. We had Showtime when I was a kid, and when this movie would come on, I would dare myself to watch it. I would start out with my eyes closed and ears plugged. I would first unplug my ears. The sound of the "Mutated Prophecy Bear" would grunt and I would run out the room. If I tried to open my eyes, I would inevitably open them RIGHT as the bear was eating someone or throwing them against a tree. I tried to watch this movie again as an adult, and although I could watch it with no problems, my heart did palpitate during some of the scenes. I DO NOT KNOW WHY. Jim makes fun of me for being scared of this movie as a kid. Asshole.

Then there was "It's Alive". Yes, the monster baby movie. Maybe this is why I am afraid of children. My neighbor friend's brother was watching this movie in his room. We were in her room down the hall, but we all of a sudden heard that horrible shrieking monster-baby-thing growling, and we started screaming. We would crawl up next to her brother's door and try to watch, but we were too scared to actually go into his room.

Also, when I was just a wee little thing, my grandfather scared the living SHIT out of me. Remember that old black and white movie called "The Fly"? Yeah, the totally stupid one. It scared me senseless. THEN, after I went to bed, my grandpa decided to be evil, and he snuck into my room and softly said "Heeeelp Meeeee". I have never totally recovered from that.

So, there you go. What happened to me along the way? I dunno. Brain damage? Did "The Exorcist" scare me? Nope. Did "Friday the 13th" or "Freddy Krueger" scare me? Nope. Do those emails that have scary faces suddenly pop up scare me? Nope. They do startle me sometimes though, but I am wise to them now.

Answer to previous trivia question: "What mask was painted white and used for the original Michael Myers mask in the Halloween movie?" A "William Shatner" mask!

It's Coming!

If you have ever wanted to see me jump and down clapping my hands squealing in excitement, you missed your chance a few minutes ago. The official website is out for "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning". It is released in theatres October 6th, 2006. Go watch the trailer NOW.

Oh, and guess what? I found out that Rob Zombie is going to write and direct a "Halloween" remake. Yay! I actually didn't like the original all that much, but Mr. Zombie will captivate my attention for sure.

Some more trivia: What mask was painted white and used for the original "Michael Myers" mask in the Halloween movie?

Trivia Question Answer

That quote is from one of my favorite movies, "Million Dollar Baby". Clint Eastwood said it to Hilary Swank.

Movie Quote Game

Guess that movie:

"What did I do wrong?"
"Two things. One, you asked a question, and two, you asked another question."

Anybody know it?

Just Another Day in Paradise

So how am I, you ask? Well, let's examine that.

Today driving to work I threw up on myself. Yes, I know. It just came UP. I had to drive back home and change my shirt. Good thing I didn't eat breakfast. I left a McDonalds bag full of bile on my driveway. I also have CRAMPS FROM LEFT HELL. The upside of that? I'm not pregnant. I'm a little grumpy today. Leave me alone.

My Crazy Little Wedding

I was reminiscing the other day about my crazy little wedding almost 12 years ago. Just before I walked down the aisle, I had the great need for a cigarette. Yes, the smoking bride sneaking a cigarette in the back of the church against the rules. My mom loves this picture of me. That's Yerdoingitwrong there beside me. Remember that, Annie?

Then there were the boys. They decided it would be funny to write "HELP ME" on the bottom of Jim's shoes. Losers. Good times.

666

Being that today is 06-06-06, I am just WAITING to see which crazy whack-job is going to do what. You just KNOW that someone is just getting ready to explode with insanity over this. I have already heard about some shooting on the freeway, and some schools in the area have received bomb-threats.

Anyway, in the craziness that is my world EVERY day, I was driving to work this morning and the most bizarre thing happened. A little black bird landed on the ground in front of my car, thud! Dead. It seemed to just 'fall' out of the sky. Lovely, huh? Also, last night Louie (my dog) was acting all weird. He is acting all needy and cuddly. This is so not Louie. Usually when you try and love on him, he acts like you have cooties. Also, when Jim got home from work yesterday (he gets home before me) and he went to let Louie out of his crate, Louie wouldn't come out. Usually, he bolts out the crate like he's been shot from a cannon. He has NEVER just sat in there and looked at you. He knows it is potty time and dinnertime. STRANGE. He is not sick, either. He was weird all night. It is making me jumpy. Earthquake, maybe? I don't know, but strange things are afoot here.

Tag, I'm it.

Annie is the culprit on this one.

1. I am: CrazyDogMama.
2. I want: More money.
3. I hate: Meatloaf. Gross.
4. I miss: Friends, the sitcom.
5. I fear: Children.
6. I wonder: If I will EVER be thin again.
7. I regret: Getting Louie neutered. I could totally pimp him out right now and make some $$.
8. I am not: Naked right now.
9. I dance: Naked in front of my dogs when no one is home. They seem to enjoy it.
10. I sing: Along with CDs in the car by myself.
11. I cry: When I'm frustrated and angry.
12. I am not always: Nice.
13. I make with my hands: A mess, usually.
14. I write: Instead of talk on the phone.
15. I confuse: Most people.
16. I need: A nap.
17. I should: Be cleaning right now instead of wasting time doing this.
18. I start: My period in a week.
19. I finish: Nothing. Except this tag.

I now tag JIM and DAN.

Fight Club

So, this kickboxing place that I have been known to frequent is starting a new program called "Fight Club". I could bite people and stuff! I'm totally thinking of doing it.

C.T.E.T. Fighter Training (Fight Club)

What is the C.T.E.T. Reality Based Self-Defense Program? This is a No Nonsense, No Rules, Realistic, Anything Goes program. The course is designed to train you in realistic situations that you would really find yourself in on the street if ever attacked. We train combat proven techniques for all types of real-world situations. This class is also designed to help prepare students mentally for these situations. We allow students 13 & Up into this program. The course is great for Men, Women and Teens! The instructor is a former soldier with a U.S. Army Rapid Deployment Unit, a former Federal Police Officer, a former Government Security Force Member, and has almost 15 years martial arts experience.

Simplifying

So, my new blog template is posting for me in about a nano-second instead of three hours. This is good. It may not be that original, but hey, it works. My doctor said that any type of simplification of my life will be good for my stress level, so here are things that I'm doing:

1. A non-complicated blog.
2. Only one job.
3. Letting my hair dry naturally instead of fighting with hair creme, the hairdryer and the straightener.
4. Margaritas with only 2 ingredients: Tequila and "Fat Mama's Knock You Naked Margarita Mix". (Instead of individual sweet and sour, lime juice...etc.) This is an important one, folks.
5. Turning off my cell phone when I don't want to be interrupted.
6. Returning emails when I FEEL LIKE IT instead of replying immediately for fear that the world will come off of its axis.
7. Repeating the most awesome line from a movie EVER to shew away those menfolk who are irritating me: "Go play with your dick." (From "Rumor Has It", said by Shirley MacLaine.)

I'm feeling better already.

Do Over.

FUCK IT. I'm just starting with a whole new look. Simplicity.

I'm having issues.

Help Me! Judging from the clumps of hair on my desk that I have pulled out, I need some help. As you can see, my sidebar on the right is GONE. Well, not gone, but pushed down to the very bottom of the screen. I cannot figure out how to fix it. I am about to jam a pen into my eye. If you go to 'View" then "Source" you can see my html code. If you know how to fix this, PLEASE HELP ME SO I DON'T START SCRATCHING OFF MY ARM SKIN. Thank you, and good night.

A day in the life.

Alarm goes off, hit snooze and knock over alarm and some nail polish remover I left uncovered the night before. Get up and pee. Go back to bed. Get up approximately 1 hour later and clean up mess. Skip shower, fuck it, I'm clean enough. Grab brownie and run out the door. Get iced mocha. Watch gas light on dashboard come on. Ignore it and drive 30 more miles. Start to panic because I have a meeting at work at 8 am, and OMG I have NO GAS. Get to work with one minute to spare and have no idea how I will make it to a gas station on my lunch break. Can't find meeting notes. Find meeting notes, get to meeting 5 minutes late. It's all good. Did I mention it was a meeting that I called? Yes, late to my own meeting. Go back to desk, finish mocha, do blog.

My Side of the Story.

Jim has decided to blog about his "perception" of one of our first dates. Now, while this story is incredibly embarrassing for me, and mostly true, there ARE a few details he left out, so I am here to clear those details right up. I am also going to tell the story about the hike through the cow pasture and the vampire bunnies.

First of all, yes, I did drink 9 double rum and cokes that night, but what you have to understand is that I was 21 years old and really excited about the whole "I can go to bars now!" thing. If I was to attempt that now, I would die. Second of all, he had TWO beers? Yeah, pull this one it plays jingle bells. Third of all, while I did become loud and maybe (a little) obnoxious, the reason I told everybody he was going to kick their ass is because they were all hitting on me, and I just wanted to play darts. So, you know, sexual harassment and shit. I was totally justified.

Now for the cow pasture story. This might be a 'you had to be there' story, but if you think about it, it's kind of hilarious. We had just graduated from the police academy and Jim's parents rented us a cabin in the mountains for a few days to celebrate. We thought we were THE SHIT being 'official' cops and stuff. We decided to go on a hike and explore a little bit, and we brought our guns with us (for safety). As we went, it started to get dark. No problem! We have guns! The problem was, we got lost. Totally and completely fucking lost. Idiots. We stumbled into a cow pasture and suddenly were face to face with a bunch of scary looking (huge!) cows and a bull. SHIT. We froze. They all just stared at us, unmoving. We heard a low and menacing "MOO" and some grunts. We looked at each other and said, "Oh crap." We pulled our guns out, because we were convinced that we were about to be killed by satanic cows and a bull. Inside our guns were "Hollow Point" bullets. These are police department issued bullets, that every officer has to ACCOUNT FOR. My first thought was, "Oh mother of hell, we are cops for 2 days and we are going to have to explain putting Hollow Points in a bunch of motherfucking cows." We tip-toed through the pasture, and amazingly, didn't have to plug any of the cows. We were, however, still lost. Jim started to panic because we were lost. My knight in shining armor. Anyway, we did eventually find our way back, BUT, then there were the bunnies.

In the little camp site where our cabin was, there were about 30 bunnies running around. Feeling like we got a second chance at life and giddy that we found our way home, Jim decided to go cut up some carrots for the cute little bunnies. He cut the shit out of himself. (I can't believe we actually graduated from the Police Academy and that they gave us weapons.) As he was bleeding all over the cabin, down the steps and out onto the dirt road, he STILL WANTED TO GIVE THE BUNNIES THE BLOOD-SOAKED CARROTS. I KNOW. So, after we went to bed, I'm all thinking, "Great. We just gave those bunnies a taste for blood. They will surely come and eat us before dawn." We have never been back to that cabin.