So, my new blog template is posting for me in about a nano-second instead of three hours. This is good. It may not be that original, but hey, it works. My doctor said that any type of simplification of my life will be good for my stress level, so here are things that I'm doing:
1. A non-complicated blog.
2. Only one job.
3. Letting my hair dry naturally instead of fighting with hair creme, the hairdryer and the straightener.
4. Margaritas with only 2 ingredients: Tequila and "Fat Mama's Knock You Naked Margarita Mix". (Instead of individual sweet and sour, lime juice...etc.) This is an important one, folks.
5. Turning off my cell phone when I don't want to be interrupted.
6. Returning emails when I FEEL LIKE IT instead of replying immediately for fear that the world will come off of its axis.
7. Repeating the most awesome line from a movie EVER to shew away those menfolk who are irritating me: "Go play with your dick." (From "Rumor Has It", said by Shirley MacLaine.)
I'm feeling better already.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Sunday, May 28, 2006
I'm having issues.
Help Me! Judging from the clumps of hair on my desk that I have pulled out, I need some help. As you can see, my sidebar on the right is GONE. Well, not gone, but pushed down to the very bottom of the screen. I cannot figure out how to fix it. I am about to jam a pen into my eye. If you go to 'View" then "Source" you can see my html code. If you know how to fix this, PLEASE HELP ME SO I DON'T START SCRATCHING OFF MY ARM SKIN. Thank you, and good night.
Monday, May 22, 2006
A day in the life.
Alarm goes off, hit snooze and knock over alarm and some nail polish remover I left uncovered the night before. Get up and pee. Go back to bed. Get up approximately 1 hour later and clean up mess. Skip shower, fuck it, I'm clean enough. Grab brownie and run out the door. Get iced mocha. Watch gas light on dashboard come on. Ignore it and drive 30 more miles. Start to panic because I have a meeting at work at 8 am, and OMG I have NO GAS. Get to work with one minute to spare and have no idea how I will make it to a gas station on my lunch break. Can't find meeting notes. Find meeting notes, get to meeting 5 minutes late. It's all good. Did I mention it was a meeting that I called? Yes, late to my own meeting. Go back to desk, finish mocha, do blog.
Friday, May 12, 2006
My Side of the Story.
Jim has decided to blog about his "perception" of one of our first dates. Now, while this story is incredibly embarrassing for me, and mostly true, there ARE a few details he left out, so I am here to clear those details right up. I am also going to tell the story about the hike through the cow pasture and the vampire bunnies.
First of all, yes, I did drink 9 double rum and cokes that night, but what you have to understand is that I was 21 years old and really excited about the whole "I can go to bars now!" thing. If I was to attempt that now, I would die. Second of all, he had TWO beers? Yeah, pull this one it plays jingle bells. Third of all, while I did become loud and maybe (a little) obnoxious, the reason I told everybody he was going to kick their ass is because they were all hitting on me, and I just wanted to play darts. So, you know, sexual harassment and shit. I was totally justified.
Now for the cow pasture story. This might be a 'you had to be there' story, but if you think about it, it's kind of hilarious. We had just graduated from the police academy and Jim's parents rented us a cabin in the mountains for a few days to celebrate. We thought we were THE SHIT being 'official' cops and stuff. We decided to go on a hike and explore a little bit, and we brought our guns with us (for safety). As we went, it started to get dark. No problem! We have guns! The problem was, we got lost. Totally and completely fucking lost. Idiots. We stumbled into a cow pasture and suddenly were face to face with a bunch of scary looking (huge!) cows and a bull. SHIT. We froze. They all just stared at us, unmoving. We heard a low and menacing "MOO" and some grunts. We looked at each other and said, "Oh crap." We pulled our guns out, because we were convinced that we were about to be killed by satanic cows and a bull. Inside our guns were "Hollow Point" bullets. These are police department issued bullets, that every officer has to ACCOUNT FOR. My first thought was, "Oh mother of hell, we are cops for 2 days and we are going to have to explain putting Hollow Points in a bunch of motherfucking cows." We tip-toed through the pasture, and amazingly, didn't have to plug any of the cows. We were, however, still lost. Jim started to panic because we were lost. My knight in shining armor. Anyway, we did eventually find our way back, BUT, then there were the bunnies.
First of all, yes, I did drink 9 double rum and cokes that night, but what you have to understand is that I was 21 years old and really excited about the whole "I can go to bars now!" thing. If I was to attempt that now, I would die. Second of all, he had TWO beers? Yeah, pull this one it plays jingle bells. Third of all, while I did become loud and maybe (a little) obnoxious, the reason I told everybody he was going to kick their ass is because they were all hitting on me, and I just wanted to play darts. So, you know, sexual harassment and shit. I was totally justified.
Now for the cow pasture story. This might be a 'you had to be there' story, but if you think about it, it's kind of hilarious. We had just graduated from the police academy and Jim's parents rented us a cabin in the mountains for a few days to celebrate. We thought we were THE SHIT being 'official' cops and stuff. We decided to go on a hike and explore a little bit, and we brought our guns with us (for safety). As we went, it started to get dark. No problem! We have guns! The problem was, we got lost. Totally and completely fucking lost. Idiots. We stumbled into a cow pasture and suddenly were face to face with a bunch of scary looking (huge!) cows and a bull. SHIT. We froze. They all just stared at us, unmoving. We heard a low and menacing "MOO" and some grunts. We looked at each other and said, "Oh crap." We pulled our guns out, because we were convinced that we were about to be killed by satanic cows and a bull. Inside our guns were "Hollow Point" bullets. These are police department issued bullets, that every officer has to ACCOUNT FOR. My first thought was, "Oh mother of hell, we are cops for 2 days and we are going to have to explain putting Hollow Points in a bunch of motherfucking cows." We tip-toed through the pasture, and amazingly, didn't have to plug any of the cows. We were, however, still lost. Jim started to panic because we were lost. My knight in shining armor. Anyway, we did eventually find our way back, BUT, then there were the bunnies.
In the little camp site where our cabin was, there were about 30 bunnies running around. Feeling like we got a second chance at life and giddy that we found our way home, Jim decided to go cut up some carrots for the cute little bunnies. He cut the shit out of himself. (I can't believe we actually graduated from the Police Academy and that they gave us weapons.) As he was bleeding all over the cabin, down the steps and out onto the dirt road, he STILL WANTED TO GIVE THE BUNNIES THE BLOOD-SOAKED CARROTS. I KNOW. So, after we went to bed, I'm all thinking, "Great. We just gave those bunnies a taste for blood. They will surely come and eat us before dawn." We have never been back to that cabin.
Aaahh, and also Derrr.
There. was. a. spider. in. the. shower. with. me. this. morning. First, it startled me, THEN, I contemplated whether or not I should scream bloody murder and wake Jim up, or just keep an eagle-eye on the thing and keep my naked body as far away from it as possible. You know, because there is NO FREAKING WAY I'm touching it. I decided since it was a small spider, that Jim would kill me for waking him up over it, so I co-showered with the hideous thing.
Later, while driving to work, Jim called me on my cell phone. I told him about the spider incident. The conversation went like this:
Me: "There was a SPIDER in the shower with me this morning!"
Jim: "Did you kill it? I didn't hear you scream."
Me: "No, I just left it alone."
Jim: "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Me: "I don't know."
(Meanwhile, Jim goes into the bathroom to check out the huge beast I left for him to deal with.)
Jim: "You have GOT to be kidding me! This little, tiny thing? You're right, if you had screamed over this and woke me up, I would have been pissed."
Now, let me give you a little insight into my extreme spider phobia. I grew up in a house with a daylight basement where my room happened to be located. Big, fat, hairy wolf spiders were EVERWHERE. In my clothes, in the towels, in the walls, in the shower. Once, while taking a shower, a bunch of those big hairy fuckers FELL OUT OF THE LIGHT over the shower ONTO MY NAKED BODY. You cannot imagine that kind of horror nor the fact that I learned how to fly that morning. I crashed through the shower door screaming and traumatized for life. You could say that I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I was also bitten once by a brown recluse spider while camping. My leg got all swollen and it looked like an egg was laid on my calf, and it HURT BAD.
So, you see, me no like spiders. It doesn't matter how big or small they are.
I am also a dumbass. I sold out and signed up for AdSense through Google (hence the ads on my page now) and because I am a little bit of a dolt when it comes to HTML code, I can't quite figure it out. Just be patient with me while I pull my hair trying to figure it out.
Later, while driving to work, Jim called me on my cell phone. I told him about the spider incident. The conversation went like this:
Me: "There was a SPIDER in the shower with me this morning!"
Jim: "Did you kill it? I didn't hear you scream."
Me: "No, I just left it alone."
Jim: "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Me: "I don't know."
(Meanwhile, Jim goes into the bathroom to check out the huge beast I left for him to deal with.)
Jim: "You have GOT to be kidding me! This little, tiny thing? You're right, if you had screamed over this and woke me up, I would have been pissed."
Now, let me give you a little insight into my extreme spider phobia. I grew up in a house with a daylight basement where my room happened to be located. Big, fat, hairy wolf spiders were EVERWHERE. In my clothes, in the towels, in the walls, in the shower. Once, while taking a shower, a bunch of those big hairy fuckers FELL OUT OF THE LIGHT over the shower ONTO MY NAKED BODY. You cannot imagine that kind of horror nor the fact that I learned how to fly that morning. I crashed through the shower door screaming and traumatized for life. You could say that I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I was also bitten once by a brown recluse spider while camping. My leg got all swollen and it looked like an egg was laid on my calf, and it HURT BAD.
So, you see, me no like spiders. It doesn't matter how big or small they are.
I am also a dumbass. I sold out and signed up for AdSense through Google (hence the ads on my page now) and because I am a little bit of a dolt when it comes to HTML code, I can't quite figure it out. Just be patient with me while I pull my hair trying to figure it out.
Monday, May 08, 2006
Annie Stories
OK SISTER, you asked for it!
Annie is one of my best buds who has been through hell and back with me. We spent A LOT of time together (pretty much every day) between the ages of 19 and 24. Here are some of the things I can remember, which is amazing because we were blind drunk half the time.
Annie got drunk on "Mad Dog" one night at her apartment with me and several other friends. She got sick. I held her over the toilet. She got vomit on my feet. Which made me vomit. Melanie, another friend of ours, was puking in her kitchen sink. Someone else was puking off the porch. Ah, to be young again. That same night, someone had the very bright idea to VIDEO TAPE us, not puking, but singing and acting like total drunk retards. I really wish I could find that video tape. I could put it on the internet. Annie and I were singing the "Brady Bunch" theme song, forgetting half of the words.
Annie had this roommate once that we all hated. Including her. I can't remember her name, but I remember making fun of her "pastel decorations" and the fact that she sang REALLY loud in the bathroom to the "Counting Crows" while getting ready. I think someone may have rubbed her little pack of veggie-snacks in the crack of their ass and then put it back in the refrigerator.
One time while riding the chair lift skiing, Annie and I belted out a little tune that goes like this, "It's so easy to fall in love, it's so eeeeasy to fa-ahl-in love!" over and over and OVER again. You see, we don't like to draw attention to ourselves.
Annie and I would go to Shari's (like Denny's) for like, a gazillion hours, just smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. One by one, people would join us until there was about 10 people crammed into a booth. This is how Annie met her first husband. (Ahem, I mean fucktard.)
OK, enough for now. More later. Hey, Annie, remember the "Dollar-fucking-25-lighter"? LOL. You rock, girl, and I'm so glad we still hang out! (Even though we're old, boring married couples now.)
Annie is one of my best buds who has been through hell and back with me. We spent A LOT of time together (pretty much every day) between the ages of 19 and 24. Here are some of the things I can remember, which is amazing because we were blind drunk half the time.
Annie got drunk on "Mad Dog" one night at her apartment with me and several other friends. She got sick. I held her over the toilet. She got vomit on my feet. Which made me vomit. Melanie, another friend of ours, was puking in her kitchen sink. Someone else was puking off the porch. Ah, to be young again. That same night, someone had the very bright idea to VIDEO TAPE us, not puking, but singing and acting like total drunk retards. I really wish I could find that video tape. I could put it on the internet. Annie and I were singing the "Brady Bunch" theme song, forgetting half of the words.
Annie had this roommate once that we all hated. Including her. I can't remember her name, but I remember making fun of her "pastel decorations" and the fact that she sang REALLY loud in the bathroom to the "Counting Crows" while getting ready. I think someone may have rubbed her little pack of veggie-snacks in the crack of their ass and then put it back in the refrigerator.
One time while riding the chair lift skiing, Annie and I belted out a little tune that goes like this, "It's so easy to fall in love, it's so eeeeasy to fa-ahl-in love!" over and over and OVER again. You see, we don't like to draw attention to ourselves.
Annie and I would go to Shari's (like Denny's) for like, a gazillion hours, just smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. One by one, people would join us until there was about 10 people crammed into a booth. This is how Annie met her first husband. (Ahem, I mean fucktard.)
OK, enough for now. More later. Hey, Annie, remember the "Dollar-fucking-25-lighter"? LOL. You rock, girl, and I'm so glad we still hang out! (Even though we're old, boring married couples now.)
Friday, May 05, 2006
Run and Hide!
Guess who is doing a blog now? Yeah, my hubby. I am totally freaked. He is so going to get even with me for all my posts about him. I am going to have to be nice to him and shit now. Go visit and leave a comment so he can feel all egomaniacal. Just so you know, HE LIES. (Just remember this for any future posts about me. Thank you.) I am not responsible for his material. I'm just sayin'.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Can't. Think. Of. Anything. To. Blog. About.
I guess I should take a picture of the monstrosity we just put up in our garage that renders me powerless against exercise excuses from now on. Our friends gave us this big weight training thingy and bench. I'll post it later when I get home, you know, after I use it, so my husband doesn't kill me for taking away his "husbandland" and turning it into a gym. Hehe. Shit.
I guess I should take a picture of the monstrosity we just put up in our garage that renders me powerless against exercise excuses from now on. Our friends gave us this big weight training thingy and bench. I'll post it later when I get home, you know, after I use it, so my husband doesn't kill me for taking away his "husbandland" and turning it into a gym. Hehe. Shit.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Poker Night
My lovely husband looks like he is squeezing out a turd. Left to right: Amy, Joel, Matt, Jim, Annie. Totally fun night.
Grillin' and Chillin'
Photos: My grillin' man (we also did ribs), my badass kabobs, my badass strawberry margarita, chillin' Lou, and chillin' Mags. Doesn't get any better than this.
Friday, April 21, 2006
Crop Circles
So, what do y'all think of crop circles? Gimme your theories. Otter, you and I both know it is Chuck Norris, but I want to see what everyone else thinks.
Friday night all to myself!
Hubs is going to a Mariner's game tonight. His friend bought him tickets for his birthday. What to do, what to do. Should I drink margaritas and watch horror movies, or should I do the dishes, laundry and clean out the pantry? Maybe I'll clean while drinking margaritas, yeah, that's it! No telling what the place will look like tomorrow.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
For the love of God, go leave him a comment.
Mr. NoRemorse is all whiny about not getting readers and is referring to me as his "only" reader. He is also pissy that I advertised the "Yerdoingitwrong" blog, and not his. Well, here is your great big fat apology and plug, my friend. Happy blogging! Congrats on your engagement!
Corners
Do you ever turn corners too fast and "clip" them with your shoulder, only to fall over and giggle while saying "OW" whilst your coworkers point and laugh?
Yeah, me neither.
Yeah, me neither.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
I feel hungover but I haven't been drinking.
After a nice 5 days off, it was back to work yesterday. It went OK, but today is sucking big wang so far. Sorry to be negative here, peeps, but not every day in my world is cute fuzzy chicks and sunny sunshine. For starters, I woke up late. Then, while driving to work, a big rock smashed my windshield and it's not like I have the money to fix it. Then, I got to work and found out there are a whole bunch of debits on my bank account that I didn't know about, that will make my account go negative tomorrow. and I don't get paid until Friday. Fuckity fuck, fuck, fuck. I felt the need to cuss, get over it. Guess I need to start praying again. Also, repenting for cussing.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Me, the kid and our little Spring Break.
My stepson is staying with us for part of his Spring Break, and I took a few days off to be with him. So today was our first day together while Jim went off to work at 5 am. What did we do you ask? We slept in. Until noon. Jim called on his lunch break at 11:30 and left, like, 4 messages, 2 on the home phone, 1 on my cell phone and 1 on his son's cell phone. No one answered. The messages went something like this, "Hey! Where the hell are you guys? Hello? Guys? What is going on? Where ARE you? Hey!" Once we stumbled out of bed, I'm all like, I think your dad called, whoops.
Right now, we are alternating between watching movies and playing video games. Go outside in the sunshine? Nah.
Right now, we are alternating between watching movies and playing video games. Go outside in the sunshine? Nah.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Stories about me you won't read here.
One of my best friends just started a blog. I am thrilled, and just a little scared. We go way back and have done some seriously funny things. I'm sure you will enjoy her, she is funnier and even more sarcastic than me. She's "Yerdoingitwrong" at blogspot.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
An Amazing Story to Tell
You are all so incredibly sweet to be so concerned about me. In all my life I would have never guessed that complete strangers on the internet could make me feel so good. This past week has been both the worst, and the best, of my life. Because of the human condition, I think we all lose faith in caring, honest and loving people. We become apathetic, complacent and extremely cynical. This post is going to be a little different than what you are used to from me. I have been forever changed by something that has taken place, and even though I am reluctant to put such personal information out there in cyberspace, this is much too important not to share.
Without all of the awful details, it was about a week ago today that my world came off of its axis. I almost lost everything. My husband and I were splitting up, and with an ever-increasing financial disaster looming over my head, it looked like I was going to lose all the things I had worked so hard for as well, including my house. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I was vomiting about every 30 minutes from the stress, and I wanted to die. I couldn't stop crying either, which is not normal for me. I hardly ever cry. I'm on medication that makes me numb most of the time, but in this case, the meds weren't even strong enough. I was in a sort of a 'shock', I guess. I was going to be alone, broke, devasted and stripped of every last piece of pride I had left. I went to work but couldn't work. I just sat there and stared at my computer screen bawling my eyes out. No one seemed to notice, but I was scared that with all of this stress and uncontrollable emotion, that I would lose my job. Why not? Sure, I might as well lose that too.
I didn't tell very many people about what was happening. Not even my family, at first. I wanted to figure things out in my own head before I upset everybody with the mess that was my life. I had no idea what to do and felt I had nowhere to turn. I was brought to my knees, and I cried out to God.
I didn't even know where to begin in my prayers. I was so overwhelmed. I begged God for some peace, to stop crying so that I could function. I told Him I was sorry for being an idiot and a sorry excuse for a human being. I told God that I already believed in Him, but that I wished I could feel His love. I prayed this prayer sitting on the floor in the dark in the employee bathroom. When I stopped praying, I felt calm. I started to breathe. Slowly. I cleaned myself up and went to my desk.
I went to an internet site I frequent on occasion that has Christian daily devotionals, Bible Prophecy and a forum for prayer requests. (I know what you are thinking, just stay with me here.) You wouldn't know it from reading my blog, but I am actually a very spiritual person. I don't go to church, and most preachers and TV evangelists make my skin crawl, but I have a strong faith. I actually decided to put a prayer request on this forum. I didn't know if anyone would care or pray for me, or even read it, but I did it anyway. I just typed a simple request that asked for prayer for my marriage and my finances. Nothing specific, nothing special. I emailed it from my work email. That was last Tuesday.
That night, my husband and I decided to talk. He had told me previously that he was moving out and was making the preparations to do so, but he wanted to talk before he left. We talked and cried and talked and cried. We love each other. We wanted to make it work, but we didn't know how, or where to start. We have been together for almost 13 years. Exhausted, we went to bed. I called in sick the next day. My husband decided not to leave.
I had also emailed a friend of mine that I knew from a church I used to go to a long time ago. We hadn't talked in over 3 years, but she was so thrilled to hear from me and was very sad about my situation. She asked if she could pray for me and get me on a prayer list at my old church. She also wanted to see me. I needed as much prayer as I could get right now, so I accepted, and was looking forward to seeing my dear friend. I don't know why we lost touch, life just takes different turns, and I don't know what made me think of her. I didn't want her to think I was "using" her or only emailing her because I was distraught. She said she didn't care why I was emailing her, only that she was so I glad I did! This woman is the sweetest person in the entire world, the kind of person you could never say anything bad about, the kind of person you want to know.
Friday morning at work I was finally starting to feel a little better. I didn't know how I was going to pay any of the bills, but at least my other half (Jim) was loving me and staying by my side. I was so grateful to God for this. After lunch, I walked past my work mailbox and noticed something in it. It was a hand-labeled card, or letter or something with a return address from the other side of the country where I have never been, and don't know anyone. There was a man's first name on it, but no last name. I don't know anyone with this name. It was made out to my work, with attention to me. I opened it. It was a card that said God loved me, and that God wanted me to know that, and that someone was praying for me. It also said that God had put it on this person's heart to send this to me even though they had never met me and didn't know anything about me. Something also fell out of the card. It was a money order, made out to me. For a very large sum of money.
I couldn't move for a few minutes, and I am surprised I didn't pass out. A complete stranger had sent me money. A COMPLETE STRANGER. This was not a donation to the Red Cross, or a hurricane relief fund, or a charity. It was for ME. A nobody. This was a huge amount of money, and I started shaking and crying. From the comments inside the card, I deduced that it must be from someone who had read my online prayer request. I felt the Lord all around me. He had answered my prayer, and I felt His love. I physically felt it. I cannot explain it. What this person did, goes beyond normal boundaries. Goes beyond human nature. You don't just send some random person on the internet that kind of money. This is divine intervention, and there is no one, nowhere that will convince me otherwise.
I don't know how long I stood there, but for the first time in my life I knew everything was going to be OK. Somehow. I also knew that someday I would do the same, or more, for someone else. It kind of feels like that "Pay it Forward" movie. Have you seen that? Good flick.
I didn't tell Jim right away. This is something you don't tell someone over the phone. Jim has struggled with his spirituality for a long time now, not knowing exactly what he believes anymore. He has been fighting with the whole "Christianity" thing, the hypocrisy, the fake people, the B.S. that I, too, struggle with. Who doesn't? I called him on the way home and said something like, "You are going to think I have lost it, but I want to ask you a really weird question." He was curious. I asked him if there was anything that could happen in this life, a miracle if you will, that would confirm his beliefs, that would "unconfuse" him about his feelings toward God. His response was, "Huh? What? I don't know." I laughed. I told him to think about it and I would tell him the significance when I got home.
When I got home, Jim was more than a little curious now, he wanted to know what was going on. He said he really couldn't come up with a good answer other than, "If Jesus were to come down here right now and say, "How is it going, Jim?" I handed him the card with the money order still in it. He looked at me funny, and I said, "I have no idea who this is from". He looked at the card and the money order for a long time without saying anything. He finally said, "Is this real?". I said "Yup.". He said, "Oh My God.", I said, "Exactly."
The reality of this situation still has not sunk in for either one of us. It is surreal. My husband is no longer confused about his spirituality. As it turns out, one of the answers he was thinking of to my question was "if some stranger gave us a bunch of money". He didn't want to use that answer though, because he said it sounded "greedy". He swears that was what he was thinking, though. It blew him away. This might all sound stupid to you, but it is big for us. Just call me CrazyDogMama the Jesus-freak, I don't care. Something important has happened to me and I felt the need to share it.
Without all of the awful details, it was about a week ago today that my world came off of its axis. I almost lost everything. My husband and I were splitting up, and with an ever-increasing financial disaster looming over my head, it looked like I was going to lose all the things I had worked so hard for as well, including my house. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I was vomiting about every 30 minutes from the stress, and I wanted to die. I couldn't stop crying either, which is not normal for me. I hardly ever cry. I'm on medication that makes me numb most of the time, but in this case, the meds weren't even strong enough. I was in a sort of a 'shock', I guess. I was going to be alone, broke, devasted and stripped of every last piece of pride I had left. I went to work but couldn't work. I just sat there and stared at my computer screen bawling my eyes out. No one seemed to notice, but I was scared that with all of this stress and uncontrollable emotion, that I would lose my job. Why not? Sure, I might as well lose that too.
I didn't tell very many people about what was happening. Not even my family, at first. I wanted to figure things out in my own head before I upset everybody with the mess that was my life. I had no idea what to do and felt I had nowhere to turn. I was brought to my knees, and I cried out to God.
I didn't even know where to begin in my prayers. I was so overwhelmed. I begged God for some peace, to stop crying so that I could function. I told Him I was sorry for being an idiot and a sorry excuse for a human being. I told God that I already believed in Him, but that I wished I could feel His love. I prayed this prayer sitting on the floor in the dark in the employee bathroom. When I stopped praying, I felt calm. I started to breathe. Slowly. I cleaned myself up and went to my desk.
I went to an internet site I frequent on occasion that has Christian daily devotionals, Bible Prophecy and a forum for prayer requests. (I know what you are thinking, just stay with me here.) You wouldn't know it from reading my blog, but I am actually a very spiritual person. I don't go to church, and most preachers and TV evangelists make my skin crawl, but I have a strong faith. I actually decided to put a prayer request on this forum. I didn't know if anyone would care or pray for me, or even read it, but I did it anyway. I just typed a simple request that asked for prayer for my marriage and my finances. Nothing specific, nothing special. I emailed it from my work email. That was last Tuesday.
That night, my husband and I decided to talk. He had told me previously that he was moving out and was making the preparations to do so, but he wanted to talk before he left. We talked and cried and talked and cried. We love each other. We wanted to make it work, but we didn't know how, or where to start. We have been together for almost 13 years. Exhausted, we went to bed. I called in sick the next day. My husband decided not to leave.
I had also emailed a friend of mine that I knew from a church I used to go to a long time ago. We hadn't talked in over 3 years, but she was so thrilled to hear from me and was very sad about my situation. She asked if she could pray for me and get me on a prayer list at my old church. She also wanted to see me. I needed as much prayer as I could get right now, so I accepted, and was looking forward to seeing my dear friend. I don't know why we lost touch, life just takes different turns, and I don't know what made me think of her. I didn't want her to think I was "using" her or only emailing her because I was distraught. She said she didn't care why I was emailing her, only that she was so I glad I did! This woman is the sweetest person in the entire world, the kind of person you could never say anything bad about, the kind of person you want to know.
Friday morning at work I was finally starting to feel a little better. I didn't know how I was going to pay any of the bills, but at least my other half (Jim) was loving me and staying by my side. I was so grateful to God for this. After lunch, I walked past my work mailbox and noticed something in it. It was a hand-labeled card, or letter or something with a return address from the other side of the country where I have never been, and don't know anyone. There was a man's first name on it, but no last name. I don't know anyone with this name. It was made out to my work, with attention to me. I opened it. It was a card that said God loved me, and that God wanted me to know that, and that someone was praying for me. It also said that God had put it on this person's heart to send this to me even though they had never met me and didn't know anything about me. Something also fell out of the card. It was a money order, made out to me. For a very large sum of money.
I couldn't move for a few minutes, and I am surprised I didn't pass out. A complete stranger had sent me money. A COMPLETE STRANGER. This was not a donation to the Red Cross, or a hurricane relief fund, or a charity. It was for ME. A nobody. This was a huge amount of money, and I started shaking and crying. From the comments inside the card, I deduced that it must be from someone who had read my online prayer request. I felt the Lord all around me. He had answered my prayer, and I felt His love. I physically felt it. I cannot explain it. What this person did, goes beyond normal boundaries. Goes beyond human nature. You don't just send some random person on the internet that kind of money. This is divine intervention, and there is no one, nowhere that will convince me otherwise.
I don't know how long I stood there, but for the first time in my life I knew everything was going to be OK. Somehow. I also knew that someday I would do the same, or more, for someone else. It kind of feels like that "Pay it Forward" movie. Have you seen that? Good flick.
I didn't tell Jim right away. This is something you don't tell someone over the phone. Jim has struggled with his spirituality for a long time now, not knowing exactly what he believes anymore. He has been fighting with the whole "Christianity" thing, the hypocrisy, the fake people, the B.S. that I, too, struggle with. Who doesn't? I called him on the way home and said something like, "You are going to think I have lost it, but I want to ask you a really weird question." He was curious. I asked him if there was anything that could happen in this life, a miracle if you will, that would confirm his beliefs, that would "unconfuse" him about his feelings toward God. His response was, "Huh? What? I don't know." I laughed. I told him to think about it and I would tell him the significance when I got home.
When I got home, Jim was more than a little curious now, he wanted to know what was going on. He said he really couldn't come up with a good answer other than, "If Jesus were to come down here right now and say, "How is it going, Jim?" I handed him the card with the money order still in it. He looked at me funny, and I said, "I have no idea who this is from". He looked at the card and the money order for a long time without saying anything. He finally said, "Is this real?". I said "Yup.". He said, "Oh My God.", I said, "Exactly."
The reality of this situation still has not sunk in for either one of us. It is surreal. My husband is no longer confused about his spirituality. As it turns out, one of the answers he was thinking of to my question was "if some stranger gave us a bunch of money". He didn't want to use that answer though, because he said it sounded "greedy". He swears that was what he was thinking, though. It blew him away. This might all sound stupid to you, but it is big for us. Just call me CrazyDogMama the Jesus-freak, I don't care. Something important has happened to me and I felt the need to share it.
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