It's a Conspiracy

I don't know what is happening this week, but everyone is out to irritate me, and it just can't ALL be me. I worked at the restaurant last night (just mere hours after the "McDonald's incident", mind you.) Every single customer I had informed me that they were on the Atkins diet, and then of course gave me their special orders from hell. (Newsflash: Waitresses really hate special orders, folks. Just order what is on the damn menu.) "Yes, I am on the Atkin's Diet (like I care) and I would like the Halibut special, but with no veggies and no potatoes, but could I substitute with extra sauce? Does the sauce have any carbohydrates? Do you have something you can give me besides this basket of bread? Could I have water without lemon?" I really just wanted to tell them "How about I just bring you some plain fish, a stick of butter, some bacon grease and our new low-carb beer?" That will be really good for you, you'll be guaranteed to lose lots of weight and then die of a heart attack from clogged arteries." But instead, I just have to smile and say, "Why yes, we would be happy to accommodate your requests." It physically hurts me to say nothing. The Atkin's diet came out, what, like in the 70's? Hardly anyone noticed it then, but Mr. Atkins DIES, and all of sudden everyone is like "Hey! Let's do the Deadman's Diet". Weird. Fricking weird.

Crazydogmama VS. Fuckwad at McDonalds

Sorry for all the cussing lately, but I just can't help it.

A little background first. I am a good driver. I know everyone says that, but really, I am. I got 100% on my driving test at the police academy (which isn't easy), and my car insurance is really low because of my AWESOME record. I am a dumb blonde when it comes to some things, but driving is not one of them. I am also slow to anger. Usually.

So, I decide to go to McDonald's today for lunch. (I know, I know, shut up) It is a McDonald's that I have never been to before, and they have this weird 2-lane drive-thru thing going on. I decide to give it a try, and when I go around the corner to get into one of the lanes, I turn too sharp, and the front of my car is partially blocking the second lane. I try to back up, but someone (of course) is right on my ass, and I can't. I'm stuck for the moment. I just wait, figuring I won't be blocking more than a second or two because the cars are moving fairly quickly through the line. So here comes Mr. big-brand-new black truck. (An extension of his penis, no doub.t.) He honks his horn at me. I throw my hands up. (You know, the gesture that indicates there is nothing I can do and I'm sorry?) He doesn't get it. He sticks his big fat ugly head out the window and yells, "You're blocking my lane!" I, annoyed already, sarcastically yell back, "Yeah, I did it to piss you off. Is it working?" He gets all pissy, shakes his head and yells again, "There is a REASON why they have two lanes idiot! Learn how to drive!" Insanely agitated CrazyDogMama sticks half of her body out the window and yells "Bite me, motherfucker!" The lane moves ahead. I order a whole lot more food than I had originally anticipated.

Dog Fight!

Poor Louie is having a bad week. I was working, so I didn't see what ACTUALLY happened, but here is the recap I got from my husband:

Ring...Ring...Ring...
Jim: "Hell, Helloo?"
Me: "What's wrong?"
Jim: "Holy Shit, you are NOT going to believe what just happened here!"
Me: "What? What happened?"
Jim: "Maggie just kicked the shit out of Louie!"
Me: "What?" (I have said "what" in every sentence so far.)
Jim: "I went to the bathroom, and Maggie followed me happily wagging her tail. Louie apparently went into Maggie's crate after she followed me and grabbed one of her toys. He came trotting along into the bathroom too. Maggie took one look at Louie with her toy in his mouth and FREAKED OUT ON HIM! She jumped on him, tore a bunch of his hair out, and snapped a bunch at him. There was much yelping and growling! They looked like the two dogs fighting at the beginning of "The Exorcist"!"
Me: "Oh my God! Is there blood? Are they OK?"
Jim: " I checked them out, they seem OK. I put them in their crates. I vacuumed up all the dog hair."
Me: "What are we gonna do with those two?"
Jim: " I don't know, I was scared. I am scared to piss off any of the women in this house."

Haven't felt like blogging.

Just kinda moody lately. I got the whole weekend off from the restaurant, so you would think that I would be perky from a nice relaxing weekend. Nope. My neurotic little self feels guilty for not making money, especially during such a stressful financial time for us. I just don't know how to relax anymore. However, I could not bring myself to be productive at work yesterday. Today is better, but my tummy is growling, and my nose feels like it has logs in it. I'm trying to figure out how to find that light at the end of the tunnel, everything about the future looks so bleak sometimes. I feel like a rat in a wheel. I GO! GO! GO! but really get nothing accomplished. Am I cheering you up yet?

Louie and I are still going round-and-round. Maybe we need therapy, or maybe I just need a vacation.

Beside Myself

What does one do when their favorite fitness magazines cease publication? EAS has stopped Muscle Media and Energy magazines. I don't like all the regular fitness mags, all those skinny, undefined women, or the hulk-women who scare the bejeezus out me. My trainer, who has a fabulous new sudo-website, recommended Oxygen to me, so I will be subscribing to that, I guess.

Not only am I dealing with that, but I still have the "Louie Situation". I decided to ignore him, not even LOOK at him last night, to see what would happen. He is being such a little butthole. He didn't seem to care, except when I went to bed without saying goodnight, he looked a little pathetic. Ears down, tail down. It just crushed me. Dogs are complicated. You have to know how to deal with them, and it is NOT, I repeat, NOT like dealing with humans. There is the whole dominance thing. I am going to call the behaviorist I worked with previously to see if there is something I can do to get him to listen better. He is a good dog, mind you, just extremely stubborn and MOODY. You have to be careful how you deal with them, or they'll walk all over you!

Bummed in Sultan.

Louie is mad at me.

That damn dog has been ignoring me for 4 FRIGGING DAYS. It must be the grooming thing. If not, he has decided to teach me some sort of lesson. Humans are slow learners, too, ya know? He will briefly (and I mean briefly) greet me when I come home, then he will go straight to daddy. I always go to bed before Jim, and both dogs usually lay in the bed with me for a few hours. Louie won't lay in the bed with me. He just walks down the hallway.

 
The only exception is if I have food. Then, I am the Queen. In the morning, he always sits and looks up at me while I'm getting ready. He has been laying in the front room the last few days and won't even peek his head in to make sure I have my mascara on right. I called his nickname out last night (Assbag) in a baby talk voice, but nothing. He just walked right past me to go outside and pee. Little fucker.

A new member of the "top 5".

Can you tell I'm bored today? Viggo Mortensen is the newest member of my top 5 hotties. However, that means I'll have to bump someone, or maybe I'll just have a top 6. I am not a huge fan of the Lord of the Rings series (it was OK), but I like that rugged, manly look that Aragorn (Viggo) has. You know me. He has a new movie coming out. Hidalgo? Something like that. I may just have to sit through that one! Yummy!

Watch out Aveda!

I have found yet another really yummy-smelling body wash! It's called "Thymes Ginger Milk". Oh. My. God. LOVE IT. A friend of mine got me the body wash and whipped body creme for a present, and I just used it. I *almost* sounded like that Herbal Essence freak in the shower. (You know, the chick acting like she's having an orgasm while using Herbal Essence shampoo? Gag me.)

My Funny Aunt

Out of the blue, I received a Valentine's Day card from an Aunt of mine that I have never met! It was such a great surprise! She lives in Kentucky and is in her 70's. I decided to get her # from my mom and give her a call to thank her for the card. So, last night I got to talk with her, and she is a HOOT! She was cracking me completely up! She has this great Southern accent and a quirky sense of humor. I have decided that I must go visit her! She is definitely my kind of people. She said to me, "Hunny, I live on chocolate and cashews, and so does fatty!" I found out that "fatty" is her dog. She also has a 22-year-old cat. As we talked, it was like we had known each other all of our lives. Life is strange, and unpredictable. I love it!

My Valentines Day

Hope you all had a Happy Valentines Day.

Mine? Well, not too bad. I didn't have to work at the restaurant, which was probably the best part. My in-laws came over for lunch, but my hubby cooked. My stepson was over this weekend, too, and we watched movies all night while eating lots of chocolate. (That's a requirement for Valentines Day, you know.) I got the most romantic gift EVER from Mr. CrazyDogMama. He gave me a chick-flick DVD and a BOX OF TRIPLE CHUNK BROWNIE MIX! Isn't that great? A WHOLE BOX, just for ME! :-D There was also a balloon and some peanut butter cups involved. I surprised him with a CD he totally forgot he wanted. A little lame, I know, but he loved it.

On Sunday, I taught a scrapbooking class to 10 people. My girlfriend, who hosted the class at her house, neglected to tell me that I had chocolate brownie crumbs all down the crevice of my breasts, and I was wearing a V-neck shirt. So, while I was giving my spiel, there I stood with chocolate titties. Yes, this is whose blog you're reading.

Doggies are gettin' all purdy today!

Yep, its grooming day. This is chaos at its best. I don't know how they know, but they know. I got up per usual, had my coffee, took my shower, got ready. The dogs were racing around the house panting and whining. How in GOD's good name do they KNOW? I said nothing. I didn't get the leashes out. NOTHING. They are telepathic, I swear. I wasn't acting any different than I usually do. Maybe they heard me say "groom" on the phone? Who knows.

Anyway, we got in the car. My dogs are not what you would call 'good car-riders'. They jump from the back seat to the front seat, to the floor, to the front seat, to the back seat. You get the picture. They make LOTS of noise. Louie sounds like a frigging choo-choo train with his panting. Dog hair flies around the car like a cat fight. The leashes get wrapped around me, the seats, and the levers you move the car seats with. Any beverage I take with me, gets spilled on whatever I am wearing. (You'd think I'd learn.) If I have to use the brake pedal, even a little bit, the dogs go flying. I will be investing in doggie seatbelts soon. Today, the stupid moron in front of me slammed on his brakes, then I slammed on my brakes. Then Louie did a face-plant into the heater. (He is OK, he has a head like a Stegosaurus.) Then, Louie looks at me like "Can't you drive, you stupid bitch?" No matter how much I yell "Sit! Stay! Lay down! Sit! Stop it! No! Sit!", it makes no difference. We could have graduated from the Obedience University with honors, and this would still happen. When I pull up to a stop light, people actually LAUGH. Louie likes to do the "I'm trying to dig out of the window!" routine, and apparently, this cracks people up.

When I pick them up this afternoon, I'm sure it will be revenge-city from the cute little fuzzy creatures.

The snot has taken over my brain.

So, on the way to work this morning, I was talking to my husband on my cell phone. He informed me that I took his keys instead of my keys. This means I can't get into the building I work in from the front, and I can't open my office until my boss gets there, which is a half hour after I get there. So, there I stood, in the middle of the shop floor, looking like a complete idiot. I just paced because I didn't know what to do. No computer, no desk, no place to set my coffee. We have an "audit" today, of course, so there is no time to waste. Things like this always happen to me at the most inopportune moments. I am also wearing a black cotton shirt that has dog hair all over it. How professional am I? I am surprised I didn't spill coffee on my khaki pants yet. KNOCK. ON. WOOD. Shit, I gotta find some wood first.

I got the snots.

So, I stayed home yesterday because my body decided to produce ungodly amounts of snot. Yes, that's right, I got a code. I'm hacking up my lungs, too. It's really fun. The good part, though, was getting to cuddle up with the fuzbutts all day. They LOOOVE it when dogmama is home and in bed all day. There was a lot of stretching and yawning and laying on their backs trying to weasel a belly rub out of me. I'm back to work today, to the dismay of my coworkers who get to listen to my non-stop wheezing and nose-blowing. I haven't been to the gym in two days (I knew this was going to happen) so my whole program has gone to hell this week. The only thing that sounded good yesterday was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so that is exactly what I had. There may have been a few potato chips in there too.

Anyway, I have nothing interesting to talk about, and I'm sure no one wants to hear about all the disgusting body functions I have going on, so, for now, adieu.

What day is it?

I get going so crazy sometimes, that I forget what day it is. I'm pretty sure its Monday because I am at work, but ffffeehh, that really doesn't mean much because I work almost every day. If I'm not running around like a chicken with its head cut off, I'm sleeping. This morning I woke up and didn't know what day it was, and I didn't even drink or anything last night! I sleep-drove to work, and here I sit, at my desk, trying to remember what I ate this weekend so that I can record it in my journal. Now, of course, I'm updating my blog and maybe around 8 or so, I'll start working. Its a good thing my boss doesn't know my blog address, huh? Oh, here's a little tidbit for the readers interested in my hair care (which is, I think, one) I have received 3 compliments on my hair since I started using my new Aveda products this weekend! CrazyDogMama LOVES compliments! Also, I've noticed that my husband sniffs my head a lot when hugging me. A girl has got to love THAT!

Is it Friday yet?

It has been a loooooong week. I have been sorting thru and editing massive amounts of paperwork, and I'm about to go insane. I think I may go run around the parking lot screaming for a few minutes.

The menu today has been less than stellar. We're talking venti nonfat iced mocha for breakfast, two, count them TWO zone bars, a half turkey sandwich on whole wheat and some green tea with soy milk in it. Somebody needs to slap me. I did go to the gym and do HIIT on the Stairmaster, and I also have to wait tables tonight for about 4 hours, so that's not too bad, I guess. I am saving up for a haircut and a foil so that I don't have to cancel my cell phone. Aveda is mighty expensive, but it is SO worth it. I also need new shampoo, conditioner, exfoliator, makeup, etc. CrazyDogMama is learning how to SAVE UP instead of impulse buying, so that she can pay her mortgage on time instead of waiting until the VERY LAST SECOND and having to pull funds from every direction. It is very, very hard. HARD, I tell you!!

Cravings

I'm craving Thai food. I need some ginger. Ginger is probably my favorite spice. That, and Cilantro. I gotta, GOTTA find some today for lunch. Being that time of the month, the cravings are out of control, and I'm bloated like a hippo. I retain so much water that my socks leave a little pattern on my ankles. I ruined my new underwear, too, by the way. It REALLY pisses me off. OK, enough. You probably could have gone through your day without me ranting about my period, huh? Yeah, well, piss off.

I need to win the Lotto.

So I can have a bunch more Cairn Terriers! I'm a glutton for punishment and cuteness.

Rule #1: Always get your puppies from a reputable breeder!

 
Rule #2: Never get a puppy less than 12 weeks old, so that they will be properly socialized and have plenty of time with their real mama.

 
Rule #3: If you want to breed dogs, get the proper education/instruction.

 
Rule #4: Never impulsively buy a puppy. Always make sure you have $$, time, space and lots and lots of patience!

 
Rule #5: Research, research, research before buying a puppy to make sure the breed is right for you and your family.

 
Rule #6: Love your puppy with all of your heart! Or you will answer to CRAZYDOGMAMA!

You know you have a problem when...

...you drive in 4th gear on the freeway because shifting into 5th gear would get in the way of your HUGE iced mocha in the cupholder.

...you would rather be late to work than skip breakfast.

...you run into the bathroom at work and stay there for 20 minutes to avoid having to visit with a mother and her new baby, or worse, to avoid having to hold the infant. *Shutter*

...you seriously consider canceling your cell phone for 2 months so you can afford to get your hair colored.

The dreaded Month

Over the course of my life so far, every really bad thing that has ever happened to me, has happened in February. I won't go into those bad things, because that is my own closet of demons, but I just wanted everyone to know that I hate this month, and I am counting down the days until it is over. So, let's focus on the positive: I am going to buy an Ella Fitzgerald CD today and get my nails done, maybe a nice shade of pink for the upcoming (stupid-frigging) Valentines Day. I hate Valentines Day. I have my reasons. I'm also thinking, maybe a nice candlelight bath. I am going to pamper myself this month, and maybe, JUST MAYBE, I can have the first good February. We should all live by this motto, "Treat yourself like a princess, cuz ain't no one else goin' to!"

I took a friend out to dinner last night for her birthday to a place in downtown Seattle called Marco's Supperclub. We had a fabulous time, ate great food and listened to jazz softly playing in the background. (Hence the Ella Fitzgerald CD-buying.) It was girl's night out, no Superbowl for me.

The Urinal Compromise

So my husband is busy formulating his plan for "husbandland". He is making the garage into an actual room with carpet and the like, outfitted with HDTV, surround sound, and putting in a green, and a recliner. Somewhere where he can go when I have over the "scrapbook hens" as he likes to call them. I'm OK with this, BUT, when he comes to me and says, "the neighbor can put in a urinal at cost for me", I laughed hysterically and said "ummmm, NO".

After several weeks now of constant pestering, he finally says to me "What will it take for you to let me have a urinal?" I told him I wanted to make a scrapbook of all the pictures I have of BEFORE we were married, you know, all the boyfriend pictures that I was *supposed* to throw away but am actually hiding in the closet? A deal! We struck a deal and shook on it! A little background for this. My husband is insanely jealous and possessive. He pretends I did not have any kind of a life before I met him. (Funny that this is coming from a man who was previously married.) I, on the other hand, am a picture fanatic and don't believe in EVER throwing a photograph away. I am really into photo preservation. I have no feelings for any of my ex's, that is not the point for me. I even have pictures of my husband's ex in one of my scrapbooks. I just want to scrapbook my life and write about fond memories. No one will ever look at it except me. I have no kids to leave it to. It is not that I am PROUD of some of the things I have done, I just want it documented so I can laugh, cry and remember. So, there it is. That good ol' marriage compromising crap. I wonder what kind of compromise I'll have to make to get another puppy?