Sleeping with Dogs

OK, first get your mind out of the gutter. That's yucky.

Since Jim got hurt, he has been sleeping in his recliner instead of the bed, so the pups get a little vacation from the crates and get to sleep in Crazydogmama's bed. It has been interesting, to say the least.

Maggie: Maggie is a rock. A warm rock with fur. Think about what sleeping with a rock would be like, and that describes it.

Louie: Louie is a temperamental little butthole. If I touch him or nudge him, he grunts and growls. He turns around in a circle at least 50 times before laying down, then lets out a big huff. He SNORES. LOUD. He audibly farts. He barks in his sleep with his little mouth closed. It sounds just like water dripping somewhere.

If either one of them hears the slightest noise, it's like a barking circus stampede.

I'm creatively evil!

Yes folks, it's official! Crazydogmama is "creatively evil", the quiz I took said so!

My new blogger friend Stephanie had this quiz on her site and of course I was completely compelled to take it right away. I thought I would be eviler, but the puppy question blew it for me. Kick a puppy, are you kidding me? If I saw someone kick a puppy, I would put on my Leatherface mask and get medieval on their ass! This only makes me *creatively evil" apparently.

Trying to get it in gear.

Well, my bag of peanut butter cups is almost gone. *Sigh* So it is time to get back on BFL and lose the holiday 2-pound gain. (Not bad considering I have eaten like a hell cow for the whole month.) I need to frantically lose those two pounds in the next two weeks so that my trainer doesn't give me the "there-is-no-reason-to-gain-weight-during-the-holidays" speech. I'm already gonna get scolded for the smoking. So far, the best I've done with the Eating for Life Book is the crackers with turkey because that is about the only healthy food I have in the house. I really want to try the Chai tea recipe. I'm thinking do some yoga, then drink healthy Chai tea. A little different from my run-until-I-want-to-puke, then have a non-fat iced mocha routine. Heehee. Yogagirl will be so proud!

Winter Wonderland

I finally got a white Christmas! It started snowing right after Christmas dinner at my mom's, so we hurried home. Got a picture of the pups frolicking.



Oh, and you will all be very jealous, I got a LAPTOP from Santa! Yaayyy! I'm still not eating good, I'm living on peanut butter cups and leftovers. I am reading the Eating for Life Book by Bill Phillips that I just got, but I think I might wait until Monday to cut off my holiday eat-whatever-I-want stint. I won't even be seeing my trainer until Jan. 9th. It is a TRUE vacation from EVERYTHING! Two weeks of sleeping, eating and playing with my new toys. Holiday chaos is over, the dogs smell good, and my house is picked-up. Now I must get back to Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo.

Hope you all had a great Christmas! Let me know what kind of toys YOU got!

The Breakfast of Champions

What is Crazydogmama having for breakfast today, you ask? Is it egg whites with salsa? Noooo. Is it high fiber cereal and a slice of lean ham? Noooo. Is it Nestle Tollhouse cookie dough? Yeeesss! We have a winner! My lean, mean lifestyle has taken a turn this holiday season. I have given in to the pressures of cookies, candies and pastries. It makes all the stress just melt away, however I can't say the same for the fat. I wonder how many calories I burn wrapping presents.

Force Feeding Liquid Fat Girl

I was somewhat disturbed this morning when I checked my stats to see who has been checking out my blog site. There was a google search for "force feeding liquid fat girl". WTF? How that directed that person to my site is a mystery to me but disturbing none the less.

When Dogs Go Shopping

Things I must do before I leave the planet.

I completely stole this idea from Otter. I think it is important to have goals, and here are mine:

1. Become a writer as my full-time job even though I might suck at it.

2. Become a "non-smoker". (Notice I didn't say QUIT smoking. I have already done that a hundred-billion times.)

3. Eat healthy for a whole month without cheating once.

4. Get into my favorite pair of jeans again. I haven't worn them since I was 18.

5. Pay off all my debts.

6. Go to the Bahamas and stay in one of those huts on the water.

7. Help someone who really needs it.

8. Own a hot tub.

9. At least DRIVE a 1967 Camaro RS SS for a day, if not own one.

10. Learn to fly a Cessna airplane.

11. Figure out how to EDIT video without wanting to throw my computer out the window.

12. Find a cardio exercise I don't detest.

13. Be able to do 10 pull-ups the hard way without my eyeballs popping out.

14. Make a scrapbook for someone (and get paid for it).

I'm sure I'll think of more later...stay tuned. Some of these will make good New Year's Resolutions, no?

Dog Abuse

Louie is always my Guinea pig for dog-outfits and fun stuff. Maggie is too hyper and uncooperative. The look on his face, and the ears back indicates a very unhappy, but very patient, dog. He knows I love him, so he lets me do what I want. Here is Louie's "Max" outfit. (The dog from the Grinch movie.) I know it's a little cruel, but its soooo amusing. Heehee. I AM CrazyDogMama, ya know!

Going Off the Deep End & A Christmas Cookie Recipe

I know, I know, you are thinking this is old news. Actually, most of the time I am pretty alert and focused, however lately, not so much. I am finding myself saying "What?" a lot and staring off into space for long periods of time. I think the stress of life and holidays has finally given me a lobotomy. I am not usually much of a drinker, but in the last few weeks you would think I needed AA. (Or as a certain member of my family calls it "AAA", which cracks me up every time.) I am not cranky or irritable as it turns out, just completely out-of-it. I think I just need a vacation.

You have all probably received this email 10 times already, but it was so perfect to how I was feeling this month that I thought I would post it:

Christmas Cookie Recipe

Christmas Cookie Ingredients:
>1 cup of water
>1 tsp baking soda
>1 cup of sugar
>1 tsp salt
>1 cup of brown sugar
>lemon juice
>4 large eggs
>1 cup nuts
>2 cups of dried fruit
>1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequilla

Directions:

Sample the Cuervo to check quality.

 
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the
highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

 
Turn on the electric mixerer, beat one cup of butter in a large
fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

 
At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another
cup, just in case.

 
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried
druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

 
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

 
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who gives a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo.

 
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a
spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

 
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and
make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

CHERRY MISTMAS!

Everyone is Insane Everywhere

I must apologize for my lack of blogging lately; duty has been calling elsewhere. We actually got a Christmas tree (hooray!), so I have been a decorating Nazi. No one is allowed to place the ornaments on the tree except me. If they attempt such activities, I promptly move them to where they look much better. My husband used to try when we were married some 9 years ago but being the most understanding and wonderful human being ever, he has relinquished his command in this area.

The rest of my week was like this:

My mother-in-law, bless her heart, thought the kitty in the blog entry below had *actually* overdosed and was expressing much concern after receiving my email.

My boss called me into his office on Friday and told me that I may have to work a few days during my vacation. (I always take 2 and a half weeks off during the holidays and I look forward to it all year long.) He said it was "up to me", though. That is a nice way of saying "You don't have to, but unless you want to be the first on the lay-off list next year, I would suggest coming in and working." I of course smiled and said "OK", but really, inside I was saying, "Yeah, WHATEVER you MF, I'll get you for this."

There was not ONE happy person at the Christmas tree place. Like my fellow blogger Dooce says, "Deck the Motherfucking Halls."

I put big Jingle bells on my dog's collars. It is really quite amusing. Today, they went on one of their running and barking-at-everything-in-the-yard tangents, and it sounded pretty confusing. The dogs next door didn't know whether to bark or laugh. I will be dusting them in glitter on Christmas Eve.

I made cookies today. The package says "Makes 5 dozen". I have 2 dozen. Perhaps they are mistaken. Perhaps I ate too much dough.

Overdose

I don't usually like "cutsey" cat pictures, but this one made me just crack completely up. It was titled "overdose" in an email I got. This is me on free days with pizza. I needed some cheering up, and this definately helped. Also, thanks to all of you who sent me jokes, funnies and kind words. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it right now. Happy holidays, everyone. Try to enjoy them, no matter what is going on.

Is ANYONE having a good week?

Man, I keep hearing one sad tale after the other this week. A friend of mine just split up with his significant other, some of my fellow bloggers are blue, my co-workers are grumpy, my husband is trying to work in pain, and I am stressed, depressed and apparently, paranoid. (See below.) I don't even know if I can afford a Christmas tree this year. Pathetic, no?

Someone send me a joke or something, I just got called into work tonight. Although I need the money desperately, that will make a 16-hour day for me. Yikes.

A Test

I took a personality disorder test, and it turns out that I am, like, highly paranoid and avoidant. This doesn't seem to surprise anyone. After I read my results, I all of sudden felt nervous and twitchy, saying to myself "Oh my GOD, what if it is TRUE? I should probably stay away from people." My reaction to the results, ironically, prove they are correct. :-) 

These are a few of my fav-or-ite things.

Yes, I am humming Christmas tunes this morning, despite all the crap happening to me right now. Although, why the hell is this considered a Christmas song? Isn't it from "The Sound of Music"? They are playing it on the radio as a holiday favorite, though, so I will go with that. As a matter of fact, while I was humming this tune, it occurred to me to get silly and sappy and actually write what MY favorite things are. So here we go.

Raindrops on my naked body and whiskers on puppies
Bright copper money and warm woolen socks
Brown paper bags filled with new stuff for me tied up with string
These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored Frappuccino's and crisp pastries from the bakery
Doorbells ringing with packages for me and Mongolian stir fry with noodles
Wild times when I fly out of an airplane wishing I had wings (skydiving, OK?)
These are a few of my favorite things

Men in white t-shirts with ripped up old blue jeans
Snowflakes that stick on the ground and allow me to stay home from work
Silver in my pocket during winter that stays in my pocket until spring
These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites, when the bee stings and sends me to the hospital because I'm allergic, and when I'm pissy and cranky, I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel soooooo baaaaddddd. Not really, though, it takes more than that to snap me out of a funk.

Ok, so it doesn't exactly rhyme, but this is real life people!

Happy Monday.

Crazydogmama is not happy.

I guess you could call me stressingdogmama right now. Jim's cracked ribs are really hurting him. He missed all of last week at work, and because his job is labor intensive, he is afraid he will be sent home this week, and possibly more until he is able to lift heavy things again. Missing two weeks of my husband's pay will be disastrous for us. L&I will pay some of it, but they are so damn slow that no telling when we will get that. We used up all of our savings with the unemployment stint we had earlier this year, so we are what the white man calls screwed, lewd and tattooed.

 
On the upside, this makes Christmas shopping easier.

 
Me: "So what do you want for Christmas this year? I got 5 bucks!"

Advice for the day: Never vacuum while intoxicated.

Christmas Ideas

If you are wondering what to get those people in your life who have everything (besides a kick in the ass for having everything), here are some suggestions:

Fat Mama's Knock You Naked Margarita Mix

Chicken Enema Cooker

Corgi Butt Bottle Opener

If they have any of these things already, I guess you are SOL.

Windstorm!

It's a tad windy here, lights are out all over the place. Not at my work though, of course. What good is a damn windstorm if you still have to go to work? If the restaurant has power, I will be insane by the end of the evening. Power outages = lots of restaurant customers. The last time we had a power outage in the area, I made like $300. This is a good thing, though, for my broke ass. Jim is still out of work and won't be going back until Monday. Lucky duck. I wouldn't mind suffering a little pain for a week off work. I would get PAID! I need to go find some coffee. I have a meeting. Here's a little wind-tossed Lou-dog for ya:

Another Funny Girl

Otter is my star today. She made me feel better by making me laugh and pee my pants a little. If it weren't for this blog, I would have no one to talk to or cheer me up.  I'm thankful.

Not having a good week.

Sooooo, I have a gimpy husband at home, I am working too much, I am broke and stressed out, and to top it off, after my training session last night, I yakked in the parking lot of Rite Aid in front of a bunch of Christmas tree shoppers. Nice, huh? It just suddenly hit me, and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't even finish my training because I was feeling all shaky and sweaty and nauseous. I should have known, everyone I know has had this 24-hour flu-thing. Yuck. I just ran to my car and drove away. So embarrassing. They probably thought I was drunk or something. I feel OK this morning, except for the feel-like-a-mac-truck-hit-me thing. I'm huuunnggrryy. Haven't eaten anything. Afraid to.