Time to Read

I've missed reading. Over the last few years, it has been difficult for me to read. I've read a few books here and there, but I can't seem to concentrate on anything for very long when I'm tired and home from work.  Today I spent time with my two moms, and we had a great conversation about all the different books we've read and all of a sudden, I'm all jazzed up.  So, I went up to my bookshelf and brought one down.  "Subterranean" by James Rollins is what I chose. I will let you know what I think! I'm going to go take my nightly swim and then curl up in front of the fireplace with Mags. Yup, my Saturday night. Sad, huh?

Life in 5 Short Chapters

Here I am again, struggling to make sense of things. Digging for the root of the problem. Trying to live in the now. I've had to make some tough decisions lately and it is hard to do that alone. No matter where you go, you have to take yourself with you. Do you ever get sick of yourself? Sometimes I feel like Tom Hanks' character did in "Cast Away". If I start talking to a ball, though, intervene, OK?

My therapist left me with this poem today. I fluctuate between Chapters 2 and 3.

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost, I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in, it's a habit, but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

-Portia Nelson

Mermaid or Whale?

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?" The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

"Dear people, whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.

They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.

They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?

They would have no sex life and could not bear children.

Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.

And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.

We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.

Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I ?! "

By: Delphine Fieberg

You know you are feeling better when...

...you are dancing around the house in your underwear at 3 am singing along to "Take a Chance on Me" by ABBA, sporting vampire fangs. Yup.

I need a vacation from my own head.

For the quick update, I am going to cut and paste what I wrote on Facebook because I am too lazy to rewrite it.

Monday's procedure went well, but after I woke up, I suffered from a migraine so bad I wanted to slit my own wrists. Then, the next day I came down with a severe respiratory infection that has had me bedridden most of the week. It sounds like I swallowed a chainsaw. I am going back to work tomorrow because I can't spend one more minute at home inside my own head. I thought about a lot of stuff, and that's really dangerous.

Now here is the part I don't put on Facebook where people who actually know me go. I like the anonymity of my blog sometimes. I think only two or three people in my real life actually come here, and I'm not even sure about that anymore.

I came close to rescuing a really cute puppy, but my mom made the point I'm not home enough. (Although I have been lately). It's true, I like dogs better than people, I'm going to end up the old dog lady, I'm telling you. I can't believe how much I still miss Lou. You don't get over it. People are generally mean, disrespectful and untrustworthy. Dogs, well, aren't. They actually seem to give a shit. Yeah, they pee on the floor and bark at paper, but they don't mess with you. Maggie didn't leave my side this week while I laid in bed dying and crying. She is laying at my feet right now.

I have that confused, dazed thing going on again. I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. It's kind of chronic. Oh, and it sucks too. I'm hopeless. Utterly fucking hopeless. I'm sick of the positive shit right now so you're going to have to deal with that.

A New Era?

I know I haven't been blogging daily like you are all used to, so I'm sorry for that. I'm working things out in my head right now and changing some things in my life. Again. I'm shifting my priorities. It has become apparent to me that I walk my own road. I'm not sure of the reasons why, but that is how it is.

I am still involved with John to a point, but our time together is sparse, and I don't know what the future holds for us, if there is a future. I care for him very much, but like I said, I'm walking a strangely narrow road right now. I have been asked out by some other men recently, but I have turned them all down.

I go in for an upper GI endoscopy on Monday. It turns out I do not have Gastroparesis, but something is wrong, so they need to do some searching. Not fun. I'm not supposed to take any ibuprofen or aspirin for 4 days before the procedure, and of course I have a pounding headache today. Joy.

I'm hoping for a quiet weekend.

Cairn Terrors

I finally, at last, found someone who totally understands what it is like to own a Cairn Terrier.

Cairn Terrier Index Page (ddgnevada.com)

If after perusing all these Cairn Terrier related issues and you still think you might be right for a Cairn, I would obtain one final opinion from a disinterested third party, otherwise known as a 'Sanity Check'.

Even if you do not own a Cairn, you will enjoy Dan's stories. They are really, REALLY funny, and SO true. One minute you can't imagine loving a dog more, and the next minute you want to kill them. Total obnoxious brats. Anyway, trust me on this one and read if you are any kind of a dog lover at all.

Stuff and Things

1.  I did not get laid off, but many did and the workload is going to be INSANE.

2.  The doctor thinks I may have "Gastroparesis" which is why I get "sick" so often. Neat. I see a specialist next week.

3.  I was recommended to do a 3-day juice cleanse to detox my system.

4.  I am very frustrated with John, and I don't know what to do. Don't have time to worry about it.

5.  I kept seeing a white line appear and disappear on my ceiling that drove me nuts. Couldn't figure out where it was coming from or what it was, and one night stood on top of my bed and yelled at it. Don't tell anyone, they will lock me up and throw away the key.

That is all for now.

Great Quotes

“Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow.”

-Norman Vincent Peale

“Don’t count the days, make the days count.”

-Muhammad Ali

“Success is going from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.”

-Abraham Lincoln

If you’re going through Hell, keep going.

-Winston Churchill

“Any guy can love a thousand girls, but only a rare guy can love one girl in a thousand ways.”

-Anonymous

Kids, Disneyland Meetups and My Exhausted Ass

VERY busy weekend, OMG. The kids (I have 3 now you know, Bill, Erica and Robby, who call me "Mama Cheryl".) came over Friday night, Sat, and Sun. I took them to see Apollo 18, they ate me out of house and home (bottomless pits!) and we swam and watched horror movies. Really good to see them, but poor grandma followed after us cleaning most of the time. LOL. She says they like coming to see me because I am "one of them".

Today I had my second "meetup" at Disneyland. The people are great. This meetup thing was at the advice of my new therapist, she wants me getting out and making friends instead of stressing and hanging out in my own head. We met for lunch at the Blue Bayou, then did all our favorite rides. I am getting *really* spoiled with my new friends, I don't have to wait in ANY lines! Someone always has either a VIP Card or a Guest Assistance Pass (for handicaps/illnesses) which gets us right to the front of the line every time. I don't think I can go back to being a normal visitor!!

I am beat.  I have to go back to work to relax!

Me and John

OK so its hard to take cell phone pics when you're drinking. Sue me.

DMV Hell

Did I tell you about the whole mess I had with the California DMV? Where I had to go back, like, 8 times and wait 3 hours because each time some stupid little thing was wrong. Like, for instance my birth certificate says one thing and my old driver's license said another thing and I may have burned my marriage license and my divorce paperwork said I was going back to my maiden name, and so on and so forth. So, then once they MADE me change back to my maiden name and gave me my license, they spelled my name wrong, and I had to go through the WHOLE FUCKING PROCESS AGAIN. It took me 20 minutes to explain to the English-is-my-second-fucking-language government worker that they spelled it CHERLY instead of CHERYL. He did not see the problem. It was like talking to someone who had just smoked an entire joint. THEN, I had to go and RE-DO and re-pay-for my registration to be done in my maiden name because dumb me got that done first before they had a cow that I couldn't prove I had been married.

So, now that I have to change 60 million things into my new name with less than zero time to do it, I figured I would go next to the Social Security office. Fuckers. I had a 5-minute wait, ALL my paperwork, and GUESS WHAT? "I'm sorry, but you need either the original or a certified copy of your divorce paperwork." FUUUUUUCK! The original got lost somehow in the move to California that I had a whole 3 weeks to do, and everything was chaos. So, I had to call my lawyer who has to call the court and now I will have to wait another 3 weeks. And then I will owe my lawyer more money, and they charge like, 50 dollars a minute.

Everything in my life is this way. I will tell you what. I'm keeping this name. If I ever get remarried, (stop laughing), I hope he is an understanding guy because I'M NOT DOING THIS AGAIN!

When someone drives you batshit crazy, does it mean you're in love?

Or should you run like hell?

Holy crap on a cracker. He takes about 8 hours to answer a text. Literally. Sometimes I won't hear from him for like, 2 weeks, and then he seems confused that I am irked. He has a smile that makes me forget my name. He can talk about a subject for 45 minutes non-stop (just him talking) and then, without warning, change the subject to something completely irrelevant and random. For example: Last night we were driving, and he was telling me about his take on the presidential candidates. It was intense, then all of a sudden, we pass a street called "Kitts" and he says, "How do streets get named, anyway?  Who came up with Kitts? Is that someone's name? I want to name a street. How do I do that?" He looks over at me inquisitively, like I have the answer to this. I just blink at him and say, "What?" He is completely serious and waits for me to answer him.  He does this all the time.

Then there is the whole I'm usually right yet he never listens thing.

Phone call:
John: I'm leaving now.
Me:  OK, meet you in about 45 minutes.
John: No, it should only be about 30 minutes.
Me: Oh? Usually, it takes you 45 minutes or so.
John: Not this time of night.
Me: K. (rolling my eyes)

47 minutes later he arrives.

Driving and lost:
John: Uh, I think I did that wrong.
Me: Uh, yep.
John: Isn't 2nd street up to the left?
Me: No, I think you make a right up here, then a left.
John: No, I think it's left first.
Me: I don't think so, the ocean is over there, so it has to be right to get back out on the main highway.
He makes a left.
John: Crap!
Me: (giggling) I told you.
John: Yes, OK, you were right. You are right about lots of things.
Me: Yes, I know. You hate that don't you?
John: No. Yes.

But then at the end of the night (well, usually around 4 am or so) we will be sitting in his car, and he will lay his head on my chest and hold on to me like a lost little boy while I run my fingernails through his hair, and everything that seemed wrong in the world will suddenly seem right and I will feel more peaceful then I've ever felt in my life.

What am I going to DO with him?

We are both emotionally unavailable, yet I think he needs me as much as I need him. We are both commitment-phobes at this point in our lives, yet we keep seeing other. 5 months now? He will completely tick me off, but I will keep it to myself, then he will ironically and spontaneously say something so incredibly sweet it almost doesn't seem real and I have to stop being mad at him. His kisses are so sweet and good it almost pisses me off.

What the hell?

Overwhelmed

I've been feeling a little bit overwhelmed lately. Work is busier than it has ever been, and with the looming layoffs everyone is stressed to the hilt. If I stay, but lose one of my guys, it will be back to 60-to-70-hour weeks for me, and I just don't know how much longer I can run at this pace. I'm tired. I really want a personal life, but I don't see how that will be possible. Yeah, they pay me a lot of money, but is it worth it?  As it is right now, my laundry is piling up, my bathroom needs to be cleaned, my car needs to be washed, I need an oil and lube, I need to return some items to a store, blah, blah, blah. Just thinking about all of it makes me want to take a nap. My back and shoulders hurt from the muscle tension and I'm getting a headache. I hardly ever get to see John which sucks. His long-time business (mortgage broker) is as you can imagine, not doing well in this economy and he is all kinds of stressed out too. Plus, he lives all the way up in LA. Bah! But we are going out tomorrow night and I just want to lay in his arms and forget all this crap.

Where there is a will.

So, I have this Disneyland annual pass, but no one I know has one, and it is quite difficult to get people to spend 100+ bucks a trip more than once or twice a year. SOOOO, someone turned me on to "meetup.com". Fabulous! I just joined two groups for annual passholders; people just like me who want to make friends with other passholders and spend more time at the parks! I go on my first meetup on Monday. I got the day off from work!

FIZGIG!!

So, I was channel surfing last night and ran across the movie "The Dark Crystal". It is kind of a disturbing Muppet movie that is so weird it is AWESOME. My favorite character is Fizgig, the little dog-like pet or something. He ROLLS, that's how he gets around. He is a big fuzzy ball that rolls and growls and throws tantrums. When I throw a fit, thit is exactly what I look like. I have two forms of expression, completely intense, and completely silly. Just so you know.

Lasciare Andare!

Translation: "Let Go" or "Allow to go". These are my "words". In Italian. Because I love everything Italian. So, I watched the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" and despite the bad reviews, I enjoyed it. There was this thing in the movie where everyone needs to choose their "word" or "words" and I thought it was profound, so I thought about and chose mine. In order to be free, you need to "let go" or allow all the things paralyzing you in the present go by the wayside. It is an ongoing practice for me, so Lasciare Andare!

Speaking of Italian, if I get to keep my job (and even if I don't), I have begun to save for a trip to Italy. This time next year, if life allows, I will be blissfully partaking of an experience I have wanted all my life.

Weirdness

I got into my car this morning to drive to work. (Yes I still have a job.) I rolled the window down partly. A spider crawled in and onto my hand. I looked down and saw the spider and just stared at it walking around on my skin. I did not let out a blood curdling scream, I did not smash my hand into the dashboard or fly out of the car jumping up and down, all things that would normally occur given the circumstance. I did NOTHING. No fear, no reaction, nothing.

HOLY GOD IN HEAVEN WHAT IS HAPPENING???

I have arachnophobia. Bad. Usually. I have hurt myself on a number of occasions trying to get away from spiders that are smaller than lady bugs. What happened today totally, completely and utterly shocks me. It cannot be explained. Something is going on with me.

Monkeys Say, Monkey Do

They are doing big layoffs at my company, so we are hiring our own replacements.

Regret

I would rather regret the things I've done than the things I haven't done.