Back to Work

So I've thrust myself back into work after 11 days off. I like the structure believe it or not. BUT come January 20th, we are doing a software migration for two weeks and I won't have a thing to do. My boss suggested taking some of my vacation time since I've maxed out my vacation accrual. Frick. We don't get our bonuses until Jan 31st of course, so doing anything interesting is out. It is a shame because my bonus is quite substantial this year. A few things I'm doing is getting a pool heater and a Tempur-Pedic mattress.  Tired of my back hurting. The rest is going in the bank. I won't know how to act with a savings account.  If I ever sell my house, I might be able to salvage retirement before I'm 100.

The one thing you can count on is change.

Last year was the hardest year of my life. Everything I knew, changed. I'm still trying to get used to all things new. Some days I'm good and some days I'm not. It can be very overwhelming at times. I feel like I am a completely different person now. I wonder what this year will bring.

They've grown to love each other.

Happy New Year Everybody

Went after Christmas shopping at Macy's and got some stripper pumps I'm going to kill myself in, and some fun jewelry. Went out for filet mignon on NY Eve, then just watched movies. Gotta get some cleaning done before I go back to work. I have nothing profound to say for the new year.

Leopard Coat

I'm bored, can you tell? Going out to eat in my new leopard coat.

Sometimes I Sing

Me singing. LOL. What a dork.

Sometimes I Dance

Today all I have on is a V-neck white T-shirt and black underwear. My hair is straightened, but not combed. My black eyeliner is still on from yesterday. My toenails are painted pink.

I am dancing around upstairs on the terrace of the stairs singing my new theme song. "Pocket Full of Sunshine" by Natasha Bedingfield. I call the song "Take Me Away". I don't usually like this type of music, but it is catchy, and I like the words.

Dream

I just woke from a dream about a caveman. Right out of the blue. How interesting.

Old Flame

I've been inspired to write something.

A little while ago, an old boyfriend contacted me through Facebook. It happened to be the guy that I broke it off with to be with my now ex husband. I didn't know it at the time I broke up with him, but he had bought me an engagement ring and was going to propose to me on my birthday of that year. He got really pissed when I got engaged to my ex and threatened to crash our wedding. Funny stuff. That seems so long ago. He obviously didn't hold a grudge because he sent me a really nice email. Apparently, he is getting married for like, the fourth time, but this time to his best friend, a girl I know. They were friends when even we were dating; we all hung out together. They are so absolutely perfect for each other, and I am genuinely happy for them. Best friends for 20+ years finally getting married, that is beautiful. It makes me believe that great things can still happen, even late in the game.

Life is still taking very strange turns for me. I've received emails asking what happened with Paul; with David; with all of them. They just weren't the right ones. I'm listening to my gut these days instead of ignoring it. If you listen, it's not that hard to hear. What is your gut telling you about YOUR life?

Funk

I am trying to shake this funk. After Christmas blues? PMS? I hate being this way. A new year is coming and I need to just figure my shit out. I've been asleep for 2 days, no exaggeration. I finally got outside today to do errands. It is time to get back on the healthy eating wagon too, been a bit off in the ditch lately on that one. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not working. I bitch when I'm working too much, then I get time off and have NO IDEA how to relax. This is where some great, sexy guy needs to invite me to the Bahamas. ;-) Uh, HELLO? You out there? I have the rest of the week off.

I think I have a better chance of sprouting wings and flying. My friend Jenny told me to go buy a good horror movie to cheer myself up.

I want to go swimming, but the pool isn't heated. I need a pool heater. That is next on the list. The pool boys came today and made it blue again, but it is ice water. Bah. I'm grumpy, somebody cheer me up.

Toys for the Furbabies

Hope you are all having a wonderful Christmas. Mine has been pretty great. Here are pics of Mags and Lou enjoying their toys.

I'm Going to Live

I received the results to my biopsy today and here's what the doctor said, "I have good news for you, it isn't as bad as we thought, you're going to be just fine. Merry Christmas."

I'm going to be just fine.

Swamp Pool & Periods

Here is the pool that matches the grass...and the dogs in their new duds. Maggie is sporting her blue diaper and Lou in his 'Tinkle Belt' with added Kotex. ("Always" Pads, with wings!) This is what my life has turned into. (I'm sure that's what they are thinking too.)

I'm supposed to be off for the next 10 days on holiday...but...yeah...right. My boss laughed at that one. Sometimes it really sucks to be the "go to" person. I'm celebrating my second Christmas tomorrow (first one was with the kid) with my Godmother and fam. I have done no wrapping. Gift bags it is!

California is flooding. It took me two hours to get home tonight. WTF? This is CALIFORNIA, it is NOT supposed to do this here!

I seem to be loving the periods today.....................................................................................................

Tinkle Belt

Yes, my last post was gloomy. Sorry. It is therapeutic to write what I feel, so that happens.

The pool water is green now. Bright green. We got it drained, but it continues to pour rain, so it looks BAD.

I got the pups doggy diapers. It is quite entertaining to watch them navigate with them on. LOL. I will take pics. Lou's is called a "Tinkle belt", and it recommends putting a Kotex in it to help. So yes, my male dog wears a Kotex pad. Hey, it will be a lot less messy around here!

I can't take it anymore.

Sometimes I struggle with the will to live. It seems like the bad outweighs the good so often that it is hard to keep a positive attitude. I know this is depressing and not what anyone ever wants to hear or read. Life is truly disappointing to me. I've worked so hard to do what I'm supposed to do; to try and the see the good in everything and everyone; to do the right things; to keep going no matter what; to fight for what I believe in. I always get beat down. How many times do you keep getting up? Is it worth it? I keep thinking about the scene in "The Pursuit of Happyness" where Will Smith's character is sitting in the subway bathroom with his son, crying. I feel like that most of the time. It isn't God's fault, it isn't bad luck, it isn't that I have been lazy or unkind. It is just life. That movie, which was based on a true story, has a happy ending. Do I have a happy ending? I keep thinking to myself; what if surgery doesn't get rid of my cancer? How will I live out my days? What will I be able to say about my life? That I failed miserably at everything? And then I think, what if surgery does get rid of the cancer like it is supposed to? How will I live out my days? How will I change my life to be more appreciative of it? I know you are supposed to press on; to keep moving forward. But I have to tell you, that is very, very hard sometimes.

Too Much Rain

The pool is overflowing. NEAT. It wont stop raining.

Party Girl?

I'm so not 25 anymore. The party is just getting going and I'm ready for freaking bed. Sad. I looked pretty good at the beginning now I'm wet from the rain with mascara running down my face and some chick just grabbed my ass. Yup. God help me.

Another one bites the dust.

Well, his true colors came out and I am done. So disappointing but it is what it is. My friend Mario invited me to a party tonight and I'm going to get my mind off of things. I could use a few drinks.

Searching

Guess who cranked out Christmas shopping in 2 days? YEAH, ME. HA! Everything else? Don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going, or what to do when I get there. My mom said something rather profound the other day. She said I was "searching" and she patted her heart. I asked her what she meant. She said I have been "searching" for a long, long time and haven't found what I'm looking for yet. I asked her to clue me in to what I am looking for since I don't have the foggiest. She doesn't know, but she doesn't think it has anything to do with a man. She thinks I am searching for what I was meant for in this life. Apparently, I am restless and unsatisfied. She is right. I am very restless, and thing are never quite right.

Crazydogmama no like drama!

I am confused, upset and extremely stressed out. I'm working nights right now at work because there is so much to do and I can't even concentrate. I don't know what's going on with Paul and I, he is upset, he upset me, and I have no idea what to do. I can't take the drama right now. Christmas is even stressing me out. I have not decorated, shopped or anything. FUCK.