39 Candles

Yup. One more year of my thirties. I woke up in a very foul mood, but my birthday did end on a good note. I was on a pity pot, but my new friends and coworkers perked me up then my fam took me out. I am super tired so I will blog later. LOTS to write about. Later.

Constant Challenges

Oh my GOD I'm sick of coughing! People were actually laughing at me today because I get visibly *pissed* after each coughing fit. It is so irritating and disruptive. The doctor said this pneumonia thing is going to take about 4 weeks to pass. Four fucking weeks. Sigh.

Although I am still under serious pressure and intensely busy at work, I talked with the Director, and she reassured me about some things. I guess it is good just to let your thoughts out once in a while. For a minute there I was stressing hard. I have to learn to let go of things. Easier said than done.

It seems everyone I talk to is having an equally as challenging life as myself. (Or more challenging.) I have two friends trying to stave off foreclosures, a couple of friends going through divorce, and other friends/acquaintances battling with their own life struggles. On one hand it is nice to know I'm not alone, but on the other I am sad to think of so many people hurting. The world is in a crazy way, I've never seen anything like it. I guess we all need to stick together, huh? I had to lower the sale price of my home today. Drastically. I am now selling it for less than what I owe on it. Terrific, huh? I need to shed the two mortgages desperately, though.

Well, I *think* I'm still dating. If you can call it that. I still see David occasionally, but he has kids, so it is far and few between. We are supposed to go out this weekend for my birthday. I also have been emailing someone else, but no date has been set up yet. Don't really know, don't really care. I'm a bit complacent about it at this point.

A Few Nice Days

I know, it surprised me too! I went to work on Friday, and I actually didn't mind it. Everyone was nice and seemed glad I was back. I was productive and felt good about it. Then today I relaxed in the backyard, took a long nap and went to my second mom's house for dinner. I'm finally feeling a little better.  Sometimes you have to get sick just so you can feel better, I guess. Big kisses and hugs to you all for being so nice and concerned about me. And an especially big kiss for my OTHER fan. ;-)

Unanswered Questions

Have you ever wanted an answer so bad to a question that you would do anything to get it? There is something in my life that I cannot make sense of. A question I've had now for a few years that I don't know that I'll ever get an answer to. If I wasn't faced with this daily, I could forget about it, but it is there. Taunting me. Always and without fail. Why? I can get my mind around most things (more so than others), but sometimes human behavior can be so unexplainable. When you've had a blog as long as I have, you witness and experience some strange things. You learn a lot about yourself as well. I'm not really a typical girl. I'd like to think I am, but let's face it, when you lay naked in a recliner drinking narcotic cough syrup right out of the bottle and blogging while watching "Secretary" the movie and liking it, you just ain't typical. I'm going to be 39 in a week.

A stranger's presence here is so elusive, yet so forceful. I am consumed by it, really. Seems they are consumed as well. But what consumes them? The word erotic comes to mind, but madness courses through my veins instead. What can I do to get this answer? Tell me. SHOW me. You have never had my attention as much as you have it now. I will not give up. Ever. I don't think you will either. Take a chance. DO IT. You did it before. Listen to me because I know you want to. We've never met, but we know each other. You are as deeply disturbed as I am. And I love that.

Sick

Dinner: A big-ass Dr. Pepper. Food? Blah. Nothing else sounded good. My mom is sick now too and all she wanted was a milkshake. We are quite the pair right now. It has been in the 100's this week so I have been laying around sick in my bathing suit. Wore it to the drive thru tonight too. LOL. Gotta love California. The house is completely torn apart with the remodel and even if we wanted to cook there is not one inch of free space in the kitchen.

I stayed home again today since I get no sleep with my warbly hack. I HAVE to go back to work tomorrow. I got a distress call from a coworker today and know I will be walking into a huge mess. Huge. Neat.

Coughing my lungs through my nostrils.

So as soon as I tell him no to two dates because I have plans already, go on a business trip then get deathly ill, he suddenly becomes mega attentive emailing me 2 to 3 times a day. WTF? He thinks he can't have me now so game ON. Pfft. That's all fine and great except the minute he gets me I bet my life he loses all interest. Not up to it. Sorry. It is simple. Adore me and you will find it is worth your time. If not, hit the road, Jack.

Can't sleep. Don't seem to be getting better. Staying home again tomorrow. Doctor's orders.  I'm in no condition to argue. Have never missed this much work.   

Turns out breathing is necessary.

Well, I didn't slit my wrists but I did manage to stop breathing. Ya. I caught some sort of severe respiratory infection that triggered my asthma, and I went purple. Had to go on a breathing machine and get a shot in my butt. It hurt. My ass hurts. Now I have all these drugs and inhalers and feel like an invalid because I start panting just walking back and forth from the bathroom. This blows. No wonder I've been grumpy.

ANOTHER Breakdown

I am having a nervous breakdown. No joke. I have been trying to stay upbeat, but the truth is I am not well. For the longest time now I have managed to keep it together and move forward despite what came at me, but the last few weeks have kicked the shit out of me. I can't go into detail but I'm worried about my job, I am worried about my health and I can't do this anymore. The pressure is intense and I don't know which will come first, me collapsing, getting fired or just giving up. I can only take so much. I am losing my cool and now I'm starting not to care. I've never done that, NEVER. Dangerous territory. I think I'm just burnt out and tired. There doesn't seem to be any break; the crap doesn't let up. I have been beat up one too many times. I asked for help today, but there is no help. I can't seem to muster up any faith this time. What the hell happened to me?

I was supposed to go out tonight with my friends and instead I came back to the hotel because I can't breathe. Literally. I just crawled into bed and stared into space. I am systematically losing everything, including my mind.

In Seattle for the week

Flew in last night and I'm staying at the coolest place called "The Edgewater". Travel stories later, pics for now. I have a bear table!

Dinner and a movie

Made stir fry and watched the whole nine yards. Such a funny flick. There are so many other things I need to be doing but screw it, life is too short.

When a date gets cancelled, go shopping.

He cancelled, sick. He emailed the cancellation and asked if he could see me before I left town (business trip). I said no. I have plans tomorrow night and then I leave Tuesday night, and if he is sick, I don't want it. He is going to have to wait, I guess. So, with the day free, I went to Chico's. I bought stuff, the stuff I posted a pic of awhile back. I am slowly replacing my entire wardrobe, nothing fits anymore! Too big! I also got a new phone, a "Droid 2". No more Crackberry. (Except my work phone is a crackberry.) I love it so far! I've decided I want an Apple iPad now. I will put the hint out to Santa.

Third Date

I'm going out on a third date with David tomorrow. I have no idea what time, where or what we are doing, but yeah, I accepted the invitation. Should I just bash my head into a wall now? Yeah, I'm in a pissy mood. Actually I've been pissed off for about 2 straight weeks. At everything. Can't pinpoint the exact reason.

The little things.

Halloween nails and new blingy flip flops. The little things in life make me happy.

I need a vacation so bad. I am burnt out.

Not this Girl

Well it looks like I will remain a respectable girl for now. As nice as he is, I don't do games or waiting around bullshit. He seems to think dating revolves around HIS timetable. Um, NOPE. Seeing him once every 1 to 2 weeks and not knowing when the next date will be until the night before doesn't work for me. I am busy too, and I don't ask how high when he says jump. No in-between phone calls and only a short email here and there, does not scream "really interested" to me. So, he may be SOL, I have a drawer full of toys. LOL. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect some puppy dog following me around, but come ON, a little enthusiasm please. Geez.

I just got home from work. I got into an argument with my boss (not good) and if my house was already sold, I probably would have walked. I'm so tired of everyone's shit. I am good at what I do and I'm sorry, I'm too old to kiss anyone's ass or be condescended to. One of my "boys" overheard the argument and went out of his way to tell me I was the best boss he has ever had and "wasn't just saying that". So, I guess if I get fired for not backing down, at least I know someone appreciates my demand for quality.

Enjoying SoCal

Man Brain

I swear I was born with a man's brain. I am getting wined and dined, doors opened for me, led into a room, all the things a girl wants a guy to do, and what is going through my head? SEX, SEX, SEX! Day and night. It is driving me batshit. If only he knew. LOL.  Maybe I should tell him, something tells me he'd be OK with it. Ha. I want to take the flowers he is handing me, smell them, then throw them behind me and push him down on the ground. What is wrong with me? I am trying to be a respectable girl, but I don't know how much longer that will last.

After all the deaths in my family and my divorce, the doctor had me on all kinds of pills. Anxiety pills, depression pills, you name it. I HATE pills. About a month ago, I chucked them all into the garbage. Quit cold turkey. I guess they were keeping the beast within at bay; that numb feeling, because it is unleashed now, and I am like a walking porno.

Downtown Disney

It is a beautiful evening. I am sitting at an outside coffee/bakery shop in Downtown Disney listening to a really good acoustic guitar band with Mom. Lights and palm trees, the band is playing Beethoven's 5th with a flamenco flair. I feel like dancing.

Out and About

Busy weekend and I'm not done yet! Saw the kid off to college Friday morning in Hollywood (took the day off work), went to the Kings game Friday night (a blast!), went on another date with David on Saturday which resulted in a romantic interlude down at Dana Point ;-) and I am at a champagne brunch down at the beach currently. On my way to Disneyland for a few hours then I'm not sure what. I'm taking a business trip to Seattle at the end of October and am looking forward to seeing my friends.

I have a ton of pics to share but I haven't been home to download them!

Go LA Kings!

I'm at a hockey game. I love me some Jack Johnson! More later.

The TO DO List

1. Find a way to sell my house because then I would actually have money.
2. Get my Cali driver's license. The last appointment I had I missed because I circled the parking lot for an hour trying to get a parking space.
3. Find out why my shoulders hurt and get then fixed so I can join the local boxing club and make them hurt again.
4. Find a way to get my backlog caught up at work without killing myself so everyone will shut the fuck up and I can have a life.
5. Go to tbe dentist.
6. Give the pups a bath. Stinky little fuzzbutts.