I don't know where to begin, or where to end.

I have so much to write, but I wish I could let loose. I wish I was truly anonymous so that I could write my story; especially now. The experiences I'm having from lust to love and everything in between. The confusion, the excitement, the adventure, the danger. Dancing in the ocean waves, riding in a stranger's covertible corvette at sunset, finding a deep connection in friendship and getting letters with words so beautiful they make me cry. My story of pain and loss and almost letting go, to finding freedom and life and the beauty in being myself.

Perhaps I will start a new blog or maybe I'll throw caution to the wind and share it right here. I do not know yet. Tomorrow will bring yet another new experience at 7pm.

Gary

This is Gary. Handsome, huh? I think so. He chilled out and is still my favorite. We had a long talk this morning and I am feeling much better about everything. I'm still in awe that he thinks I'm so beautiful after I sent him a bunch of pics of my chubby little body. He said he can't wait to get here. He will be here in about 5 weeks after he finishes his contract. He says he is coming here TO STAY. He said he is not going back to Texas. OMG!

P.F. Changs, Baby!

Date with ma tonight. Got our hair done and went to dinner. California has really changed both of us, I swear we act like a couple of 25-year-olds. She is now sellling her house in WA and looking for a beach house! Go Mama! We chat about boys, play cards, drink wine, and wait for sales at Chico's.

Speaking of boys, I have a beach date on Sunday and Mario is hanging out with me poolside all day Monday at the house. I'm backing off just a little with Gary since he freaked me out. My mom said, "Oh great, if you back away he'll probably be here by Saturday." LOL! I told you Mike was back, right? What to do, what to do. I'm running all of this past Mario, he's got good man-advice.

I was shocked today at work when the general manager pulled me aside and told me how awesome I am and how he had been telling the VP (the VP of the whole company!) that I am always the last to leave at night and how I was key to the success of the plant. HOLY SHIT. After the week I had, I thought he was going to fire me! He said he had my back and not to worry about a thing. Talk about not knowing what to say!! Life surprises me every single day.

Fucked up day.

Someone REALLY pissed me off at work and that rarely happens. Some brat always has to screw up a great situation, I swear. I also rarely lose my cool but had to put someone in their place today. I hate that.

I'm also in a little trouble and I need advice from the masses. Gary is really getting serious with me and he kinda wigged today when I mentioned something "a guy" said to me. He is all freaked that I am going to find someone else. If I told him I was dating (but nothing serious) I think he would have a heart attack. I'm not kidding. We talked about it tonight, and I told him to chill, but should I take this behavior as a compliment or run? I don't want some crazy jealous guy (and there is no ring on this finger), but he is so sweet and is so honestly worried that he will lose me. I told him how I felt about him getting jealous and he apologized profusely, but still. Red flag? I don't know. I really like him, but I haven't even met him in person yet. I probably ought not to tell him of the blog just yet. LOL.

Men up to my eyeballs!

Okay, not sure how this happened, but I have men up to my eyeballs! Gary is of course my favorite, but he better hurry his ass up and get here if he is serious.

I have one, possibly two different dates this weekend and another guy in Modesto threatening to fly down and sweep me off my feet. Also, Mike is back. Am I dreaming? Mario told me I should get out there and live it up, and then I told him, "How am I supposed to do that when you are texting me all day every day?" He calls me "boss" now. It's true literally but sounds funny and makes me laugh. Well God help me, I'm in all kinds of unfamiliar territory.

So busy I can't even think.

Meeting great people, working and falling for Gary. He is coming to visit me in a month when he finishes his contract in Africa. (He works all over the world). So excited! Went to Mario's tonight to celebrate. I hired him. The other interviewers liked him too. He is so excited and so grateful. His thank you made me tear up. While we were chatting, both of our crackberries kept dinging and we were trying not to answer them to be courteous, but at one point we just started laughing, picked them up and answered our texts/emails at the same time. That's when I snuck in the pic! Ha! I'm evil.

Life is so strange.

It is an amazing trip. My new friend (Mario) said I was like an angel sent to him. A man who said he had no real "faith" told me today that I made him believe. He said meeting me, getting this interview, that I had already changed his life. He thanked me and said for the first time in his life he believed that lives cross paths for a reason.

I did not know what to say. It was pretty intense.

My New Friend

Mario is the best! He is so funny and super sweet. We were so chatty and laughing so hard that when I looked at my phone it was 2 am! I gave him a big hug and told him it was so nice to meet him, and he said, "That sounds weird". I asked him why and he said, "Because I feel like I've known you all my life!". Aww. We did hit it off and as soon as he gets the job where I work (I hope) we are going to hit D-Land in style. I tried to take his pic, and this is the best I could get because Mr. Model is SHY. We sat out on his balcony for a long while in the nice warm summer eve talking about everything. I got him an interview for Monday.

Today I'm out with a friend for her birthday and then will be chatting with my honey the rest of the evening. BTW, the sunsets are incredible here!

I am a completely paranoid, insecure freak.

OK, it is official. What happened? Texas Guy (Gary) and I have been, I guess what you call, developing a long-distance relationship. We talk on the phone, email, chat on Yahoo, send pics back and forth, etc. (BTW, he has the most adorable German/English accent EVER, he just moved to Texas from London; born in Germany.) It is sort of getting serious rather quickly. (Hence my fear, paranoia and running shoes ready.) Last night we were chatting on Yahoo and the conversation was getting very intense. It was going great and then he asked me something that I didn't know how to respond to (afraid I guess), and I paused for about 2 minutes before writing a response. (Usually, it is a very quick exchange.) Before I had a chance to send it, he disappeared from chat. At first, I thought he just got kicked offline or something and I waited. And waited. And waited. Nothing. I tried text messaging him to make sure nothing happened. Nothing. I called. Nothing. He ALWAYS answers my calls. I emailed. Nothing. About 2 hours later I'm figuring I blew it. He asked me something important and I didn't respond. I threw my hands up and said, "Well that's it! He's gone." I woke up at about 6 am which would be 8 am his time. Checked email, phone, nothing. Shit. Slammed my head into the wall and told the dogs I am hopeless. I hopped in the shower. While I was in the shower, I hear my phone ding. I get out. Then my phone rings. It's Gary. He is panicked. Long story short he lost power due to a Texas storm and his daughter had his cell phone. He was all worried he has lost ME! I was so relieved. We laughed about how insecure we both were, and all is good in CrazyDogMama land. For now.

I'm going to hang out with my new friend tomorrow (Mario), my kindred spirit in humor. He makes me laugh so hard I can't breathe. He also loves Disneyland so now I have someone to go with regularly. I got him an interview at my company because his contract job is almost up, and we are going to have margaritas tomorrow while I walk him through our interview process. I need him to have money so we he can afford Disneyland you see. LOL! I know what you are thinking, but seriously, as gorgeous as he is, he is not my type nor am I his type romantically. Typically, our conversations go like this:

Him: "Did you eat your oatmeal with protein powder?"
Me: "No"
Him: "Why not?"
Me: "No time. Grabbed a coffee instead."
Him: "Damnit woman! Then you will add 30 minutes to your workout today."
Me: "I'm not working out today."
Him "Yes you are."
Me: "No I'm not. I have cramps."
Him: "Oh for fuck's sake."
Me: "I do! And I'm still sore from yesterday's workout!"
Him: "I don't care, get your lazy ass up."
Me: "Bite me."
Him: "Don't tempt me."
Me: "Bring it!"

LOL!!

A conversation I recently had with Gary:

Me: "So what are you going to do with your house in London?"
Him: "I don't know yet, we can decide that later."
Me: (choking on my coffee) "We?"
Him: "Well, yeah."

Minute to Minute

Something not so good happened. Well I don't really know what happened. I was going to post about it, but then decided not to. I really get tired of living sometimes. Things change minute to minute around here. Maybe I'll post later when I figure out what the hell.

The Texas Guy

OK so things are going well! Texas guy and I (ha that rhymes!) are doing splendidly (I have his picture as my phone's background, LOL) and I think I just met a guy that will probably become my best friend. I met him on a dating site, but after much talking and texting, we are not necessarily a romantic match, but we get along so great! I just finished a two-hour phone conversation with him, and we are going to hang out on Saturday. He lives at Huntington Beach, but he is from TEXAS. Of course. He is a body builder and an ex-model (I know!) but we made a deal, he is going to whip me into shape, and I am going to show him how to be friendly. I know that sounds weird, but he says he hates it here and he hates all the people here. I told him he just needs a different outlook and if he projects friendliness, he will start to love it here like I do. (He moved here recently too.) We are having completely different experiences and I am convinced it is his attitude. He said he trusts my advice, and I trust his, so we have a deal. I have a bizarre life, don't I? LOL. My love interest however asked me today what he could do to win my heart. He said he would do anything. OMG. Melt.

Eggs in a Basket

I don't know whether to be excited or scared. When things seem too good to be true I want to run. I guess I just keep going along and see what happens, not putting all my eggs in one basket. I guess when the right one comes along, he'll stay.

I'm in trouble.

He is for real. Mr. Texas and I have been talking non-stop since we met. He TURNED OFF HIS DATING PROFILE because he only wants to talk to me now. We know each other's life stories and neither of us ran eventhough we both have a sad tale to tell. He is perfect (to me). Oh Lord, what do I do? I've made myself vulnerable. He has too. I can't think! I can't remember the last time I felt this way. Have I ever felt this way? How did this happen so soon after joining that site? I thought I'd be sifting for months/years! I'm scared, but feeling ALIVE and HAPPY at the same time. I don't know where this is going or what will happen, but I'm stunned. And I can't wait for his call and email today. I am supposed to have a date on Sunday with someone else and I don't even care.

Am I Worthy?

So this poor dude drove all the way down from Lake Elsinore in this old convertible corvette (he restores old muscle cars/sports cars, etc.) to meet me near my house, and his alternator pops, leaving him stranded on the freeway. He calls me all upset. I'm telling him no worries, to just make sure he is OK and getting help. He tells me he will have the car towed back home, grab another car and come back out to meet me later in the evening. What a sweetheart! I told him that wasn't necessary, and that I would be happy to go out with him next weekend. He was so thrilled I wasn't mad. (Who would be mad? That's crazy.) He told me he wanted to grab coffee and if we hit it off, he wanted to drive me to the beach in his convertible and get our feet wet. Dang it! It's funny that he tells me his plans "if" we hit it off. Why would you tell your date that ahead of time? Men are silly! LOL! So now that is the plan for next Sunday. Now I'm worried I will disappoint him with my big ass and won't get taken to the beach. :-( In the meantime, I am totally enthralled with two other men with whom I am exchanging emails. I am liking the Texas guy a little too much. OMG he is a doll and a hottie. What the hell is he talking to me for? The more I tell him what is wrong with me, the more he likes me. (Yes, I am a total idiot and do that sort of thing so that I don't mislead anyone.) Then the other one is just absolutely adorable and tells me he will gladly relocate to be near me if I'm really for-real! These guys are telling me what a "find" I am. WTF? I am SO not used to this! Not so long ago I wasn't good enough for anybody. Feast or famine, SHEESH.

Postponed

Well my date got postponed to later this evening, but I have been chatting and answering emails ALL day! This is fun! Who knew? I should have done this a LONG time ago. Most of the guys I've been chatting with are local, but of course the ultimate hottie with lots of other awesome qualities is in TEXAS. What is with Texas? I have had more hits from Texas than anywhere else. Apparently, I am attractive to Texans. Maybe it's the big hair. LOL!

I'm all giddy dancing around the pool like a fruitcake.

Coffee Date

Double OMG! I have a coffee date in a few hours. Head spinning, heart racing. What the hell do I wear to a Java chip Frappuccino date? (His words!) I just tripped over myself. Good grief.

Match.com

Um, Match.com is AMAZING! I've had more interest in 24 hours than in the last year on the other sites! I'm already engaged in two intriguing conversations with very handsome and successful men! Now THIS is more like it! ;-)

Time to Switch

I fell asleep in the sun and now I'm burnt on my chest. What a tard. I break out in welts when I lay in the sun too long. OUCH. So now I can't sleep. I've been online and now its time for my nightly swim. The dogs keep following me around in circles, it's funny, they get confused when I pace. So much for my "not going to date for a year". I just switched dating sites since the other one was frustrating the crap outta me. I don't think they had great quality men on that site to tell you the truth. I swear "Christian" sites have the most judgmental assholes I've ever met. I love the Lord with ALL of my heart and I don't think anyone I met there would know God if he bit them on the ass. (I sound so Godly don't I? LOL) So I cuss a little...I'm a Christian, not Christ. So I joined Match.com. They have a guarantee! Ha. I will hold them to it.

Chillin' Today

Lou likes to lay in the sun with me. :-) Mags explores the yard. Doing nothing but relaxing, swimming, sunning and blogging. Going to make some iced tea. My mom is out with friends.

I've also decided that when my house sells (if it ever does), I'm going to celebrate and take myself to New Orleans. I really want to go there. Even if I have to go by myself. Just things I'm thinking about today.

Mom

OMG my mother almost set the house on fire. So, at about 5 am I woke up to the smell of burning plastic. At first, I thought my new air conditioner was pooping out, but no. It was a really strong smell accompanied by a little smoke. Neat. So, I called my mom. Why get out of bed? LOL. She sheepishly answered. I said "Ma, is the house on fire?" (I'm not a Panicker) She said "Um, not anymore." I told her the smell was choking me. She told me not to come down to the living room, and then nervously giggled. Yes, my mother. She got a kick out of the fact that I called her from my bedroom. Well fuck, it was 5 am on a Saturday! I rolled over and went back to sleep. ;-) She is going to be pissed I wrote about this on my blog. Hehe.