I deleted the freaky post.

To my two commentors, I say this:

You both are extremely kind and I am honored to have you as readers! Thank you for your thoughts. It is true, I am in the middle of a healing process. I only deleted your comments because they wouldn't make sense now, not because I didn't like them.

To everyone that read it and did not comment:

I hope I didn't freak you out or piss you off. ;-)

To everyone that did not read it and is now confused:

I wrote a post at 1:30 in the morning and aired too much of my own dirty laundry. I wanted to vent (about myself, no other people were mentioned) and be honest about the "real me" when I needed to first consider how it might come across. It seems from comments that people appreciate my honesty, but I think I freaked my mom out. LOL.

It felt good to spew all that onto the table, but for the sake of safety and privacy I decided to pull it for now. Good therapy for myself, though.

Back to the old grind.

I had my nice date, then spent time with my mom on Sunday, but now it's back to the same old crap. My empty little life. I still have the "What now?" questions; those certainly don't go away in a day. Neither do the dirty dishes, the laundry or the yard work. I'm looking out at my way-overgrown grass, and I REALLY don't feel like dealing with it. I think I might give up cable to hire a gardener. Well, maybe not. I think without the computer and the TV, I would just sit here and stare at the wall. How sad.

Best Date Ever

If you are not excited, feeling blah and expecting nothing, you will have a fabulous date! So, as you can see, I was less than thrilled and all pissy last night. I woke up this morning trying to be positive, however, and got myself dressed and pretty, but not too pretty. The drive across the mountains was GORGEOUS. The sun was shining and despite the storm, and there was no snow on the road. We met in a park in Leavenworth around noon. I figured I would just shake his hand, but instead he delivered me a big, genuine hug and told me it was great to finally meet me in person. He was more handsome than his profile picture and he gained some big points with his compliments to me. We walked and talked for a bit, then decided to go to lunch. It turned into a 3-hour lunch! Not only is he kind and very intelligent, but he is also fascinating! A firefighter, an EMT, part of search and rescue, a skier, a rock climber - a very interesting man! There was never one moment of uncomfortable silence, and I've never had such great conversation. When the bill came, I didn't know what to do, I reached for my purse and shyly told him that I had no idea what the dating "rules" were these days and was perfectly willing to contribute my share. He laughed and said he had no idea what he was doing either (he is divorced after a long marriage also) and said, "But I do know I am paying for lunch." Very sweet. After lunch we shopped for a bit; I was on a mission to find a particular "sauce dip". He was very cute in helping me on the hunt. I told him I would spare him the hunt for a cute pair of earrings! LOL! We decided to sit and have some coffee (which he also insisted on paying for) and we talked for another 2 hours. I kept saying I had to go, but we kept getting into a new conversation. Finally, I looked down at my phone and it was getting late, and I HAD to go. I said that we would talk all night if I didn't go now! He smiled and agreed. He walked me to my car, and we said our goodbyes. He was a perfect gentleman. He opened doors for me and never made me feel like I was being "sized up". Such a pleasant surprise! I believe we will see each other again.

I can't figure myself out.

And I've known myself a long time! LOL!

You'd think I'd be all excited for my date tomorrow, but I'm like, meh. I was excited, but I think my subconscious knows it is probably futile. He is such a nice guy, but I'm just so damn picky. I'm sure it will be fun, but I have zero expectations of anything anymore. I laugh to myself thinking I'm going to go from being "CrazyDogMama", to "CrazyOldDogWoman" whom the children in the neighborhood are afraid of. HA. I'm starting to not really care about the dating thing anymore. It's stupid. It's like trying to convince people you are "worthy" or something. Screw that. I'm too old to put on airs, play games or be on my best behavior. Maybe I'm just in a crap mood, I don't know. I'm even sick of talking to people online. NY guy said "Where did you go? I haven't talked to you in two days!". I guess I'm feeling like what's the fucking point. There have only really been two people I was truly interested in; one wasn't real (and I don't mean my ex), and the other is a pipe dream. There is fantasy, and then there is reality. Reality ain't so great. And then of course there are the guys I'm not the least bit interested in that won't leave me alone. Figures.

Okay, maybe I'm a little grouchy, but seriously, what now? Work. Sleep. Eat. Yippee. I'm getting my life together and all, you know, working on myself, that sort of thing, but I keep saying to myself, "What next?" Got a career, check. Losing weight, check. Getting my financial situation in control (slowly), check. Interact with my friends on a regular basis, check. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do, but it doesn't seem satisfying. I dream of finding love, but another person doesn't make you happy, YOU have to make YOU happy first. I know that. But what is happy? What is content? Something is missing. It always has been.

My theme song right now.

'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' by Israel Kamakawiwo. What a great song. It makes me happy and perfectly describes how I'm feeling, even the melody. Think of me when you listen to it.

Men are funny.

Okay, this post is going to seem kinda vain or something, but seriously, stuff like this does NOT normally happen to me and I have to share because it was so funny and it made me feel good. If I record the little things, then when I'm feeling bad about myself, I can always come back and read stuff like this and feel better.

So I'm sitting at a stop light on the way home today. To my left, a truck was stopped at the adjacent light directly facing me. I was thinking about something that suddenly made me smile, and I happened to glance over at the truck while I was smiling. Inside the cab were two very nice-looking guys. Somehow the driver's eyes and mine met, and when they did he smiled back and kinda waved. I was taken aback and smiled bigger and waved also. (I did not know him.) His light changed and he was making a right away from me, but as he was turning, he kept looking at me and almost slammed into oncoming traffic! He overcorrected quickly and there was no accident (Thank God!), but I busted up in laughter. I've never almost caused an accident before! LOL! I'm definitely not "all that", but just the fact that I caught a man's attention like that just made my whole day. There's hope for me yet!

The questions kids have.

So, my stepson calls me today. This is not unusual, in fact we've gotten very close since my divorce, but he called while I was at work (instead of texting) so I was concerned when I couldn't answer. I discreetly texted him back quickly to make sure everything was ok. Usually, he calls to tell me he got a part in a play, or wants to go out for dinner, or something like that, but this is what he called about today:

"Me and BJ found a muffler. Can we sell it?"

LOL! Crazy kid. Then he wanted to know if they could come raid my fridge. Have you ever had ravenous teenage boys raid your fridge? Yeah.

Right now, I'm catching up on "Modern Family" and eating Velveeta right out of the box. THAT can't be good. Shit.

One more thing. It is supposed to snow 2 feet in the mountains the next few days and be extremely stormy. I have a date on Saturday that requires me to drive right through it. Neat. Murphy's Law. It hasn't snowed all fucking winter.

The QUEEN

I am the Queen. Here is proof. My coworkers provided this for me.

DO NOT FORGET IT.

Easter, a 7.2 Earthquake, and Steak and Lobster

OK, well, Happy Easter to everyone first of all. Over at my mom's for the weekend with the pups.

Just got a text from my friend Cathy who works at Disneyland, and she said there has been a series of quakes in Cali today, the most recent a 7.2 out of Baja (Mexi-Cali). I guess it lasted 20 or 30 seconds and was a "rolling" quake, which is unusual for California, they usually have "jolting" quakes. Everyone is saying it was big and major all the way up to the LA area. I tried calling my new friend Danny in Rancho Cucamonga, but I can't get a hold of him. (He is the one I am going to Disneyland with, in June.) As most of you know I study earthquakes but have not had the time recently to keep up. With the one in Chile and now this, guess it wasn't a good time for a break! Sheesh! Hope everyone is OK. I don't know if I've ever said why I am so interested in earthquakes, but back when I was in college a good friend of our family, Johnny, who used to babysit me when we lived in California, was killed in the big Northridge quake. He was underneath the freeway when it collapsed. I remember watching it on TV and then the call came in from my mom telling me what happened. I was working at the time.

Anyway, my mom and I are starting a new Easter tradition this year being that it is just the two of us. No ham, no lamb, but steak and lobster baby! Maybe I'll take a picture later.

Stay safe if you are in Southern California.

April 3, 2010

Exactly two years ago today, my life changed forever. It wasn’t one of those kinds of events like the birth of child, or a wedding or anything like that, but it was very significant for me. You see, it was an ordinary day. A typical day where I was all comfy-cozy hiding inside myself. Hiding there trying to survive the best I could. Then, suddenly and without warning, someone came along and opened my door and let me out, never to return to that dark and lonely place where I was dying. I don’t think they have any idea what they did, or perhaps they even believed they did me harm. But the truth is, if they hadn’t come along and let me out, I would never have survived some of the events that were to come my way the next two years. Actually, I truly believe the Lord had His hand in this, and used this person as a vessel, or a test, even. Nothing that has happened to me was a direct result of their influence, but because of them, I was able to see things a little differently, and most importantly, I thought of myself differently during extremely difficult times. It’s funny how you don’t see life-changing events coming and may not even see them when they are happening, but when you look back, you see a lot. So, today, I want to thank them. If you are out there in cyberspace somewhere “KS”, thank you. You changed me. I hope you are well. A part of me is doing well, because of you. Bet you didn’t know.

Hyphenated

So, remember that post where I gave the link to the website called "Shit My Dad Says"? Well, I think I need one for my mom! Seriously. She is the most creative person I know when it comes to the English language. We went to dinner at "Oddfellow's Grill" tonight (I took a pic for you, how nice of me), and had a lovely time. When we got back to her place, she kept running back and forth getting things and spilling coffee, kind of like a confused, spastic waitress, and when I asked her for something she said, "Stop it, you're getting me all hyphenated!"

Hyphenated? LOL!

It was a dark and stormy night.

Thunder, lightning and mega rain tonight! Love it! I have all the lights out except my laptop (with surge protector on!) and the dogs are at my feet. It is cool; makes a great ambiance for the storm!

WOW, I had some drama today. (I HATE drama.) Remember that guy I turned down for a date? (I think I blogged about it.) Anyway, he caught me online tonight and struck up an instant message chat. It started out OK, but then he got all pissed off that I turned him down! He actually cyber-yelled at me, got all huffy and signed off. Isn't that sad? Sheesh. I'm thinking I made the right choice there. LOL!  In other news, I was asked out by a different man (the one East of the Mountains that I mentioned) and I said "Yes!". That's right! Crazydogmama has a date! As much as I can tell so far, he is a kind, gentle, intelligent man who writes and expresses himself well, is super sweet and been through similar circumstances as myself. He is both a part time Firefighter and EMT. Anyway, not this weekend because of Easter, but the weekend after we are meeting for coffee. I'm looking forward to it!

I went in late today to work because of all the hours I worked this weekend, then went home early to take a nap. Gotta like that! Of course, now I'm wide awake. Sometimes I wonder about my brain or lack of one.

My day. Not that you care.

It's funny, who cares about some stranger's day? But I read lots of blogs and personally LOVE reading about other people's days! It is a strange phenomenon I guess, but I think it is cool to see how other people get through life. You get ideas, laugh, cry and empathize. You get to know people. Being that I mostly work long hours and live alone, the internet has been a great tool for me to communicate with people and not isolate.

Today I worked pretty much all day on the computer. I got a little frustrated because everything I tried to work on had some sort of problem, but I was productive, and I feel good about my progress. Hopefully I scored some points with the big dogs who can give me more money! I broke down and ordered a pizza and got to expense it to the company, gotta love THAT! It gave me a major tummy ache though, and it came back up. GROSS. I guess now that I have been eating super healthy for 7 or so weeks now, my system rejects grease and fat. Yay? I made some tea and ate one of my Bistro MD meals and I feel fine now. Been intermittently doing laundry, did the dishes and was going to mow the lawn but it started raining. Thank God. Now I'm catching up on blogging, emails and am actually going to finish my ironing before bed. A year ago, I would have never done all of that in one day! Go ME! I didn't get my exercise in today, though. Bad me. I'm going to run stairs tomorrow at work though with my friend Jenny. There is a big stairwell that goes down to the parking garage and we like to run up down until we feel dizzy. Silly, huh?

Anyway, gotta get to the ironing and get some shut-eye. Sorry for the boring blogging this weekend. Hopefully something exciting will happen this week to post about.

Twist of Thinking

At first, I thought "This weekend sucks". Yesterday I cleaned out the garage and made a huge dump run, then spent the next four hours trying to sleep a headache off, then worked until 2 am doing work from home on my laptop because we have part of a project launching on Monday. Today, I have to do some more work from home and then do laundry/vacuuming, etc. But then I started really thinking about things and changed my mind about my feelings on not having "fun" on the weekend. I am blessed to have a job, and a GOOD one. Most people I know right now are either unemployed or struggling big time with money. I have a roof over my head that I'm able to pay for. Three homes in my neighborhood just went into foreclosure. When I started thinking like that, my whole attitude changed, and I am even more productive now!

A Lovely Evening

I spent a lovely evening with myself. Well, myself and the fuzzy freaks. :-) Traffic was hell, but once I got home, I got into my comfy clothes, had some dinner, fed the pups and put my feet up. I watched an older movie that I love (Moonstruck) with Louie sprawled across my lap and Maggie at my feet. It was peaceful and relaxing and I felt happy. It's not that I never feel happy, it is just that this time I took note of it and appreciated it for what it was. I lived in the moment, I guess you would call it. It wasn't an especially exciting or what you would normally call a memorable moment, but I just stopped and took it in. I was warm and full and pleasantly entertained. Thought I would share.

Back to crazy BS tomorrow. LOL

FUCKER

This needs an explanation, yes I know. Well, my coworker (who shares an office with me), "R", thinks that the way I say "Fucker" is hilarious so she RECORDED me saying it on her cell phone. Now she plays the soundbyte all day long and laughs. BTW, she is 48 years old. She says I'm going to be famous some day and everyone will have this .wav file on their computer. She is so funny.

People Are Crazy

You know, since I've started this "dating" thing (if you want to call it that), I swear I am a freak magnet. Now, I haven't been at it very long, granted, but DAMN. Not that I'm completely normal, but seriously, there are some very strange people out there. It is hard just to find someone to have a decent conversation with! CONVERSATION! It does give me entertainment; I'll give it that. I've pretty much cut off everyone I've talked about on here for one reason or another except NY guy. We talk every day, but decided we will just be friends, and if he moves here, or I move there, we will be BEST friends. He is crazy too, but he makes me laugh. He told me today that I was the nicest person he'd ever talked to. Aww.

I had an old friend from Highschool contact me through Facebook and we email quite a bit and will probably meet up some time, but I think he got back together with his girlfriend. He is super-hot and has a good job, but I'm not thinking anything more than friends, at least for now. A new guy started calling me who lives East of the mountains I live in, and we have some decent conversation, but I don't know, we'll see. He sounds really nice, and he said he felt we had some "chemistry", so who knows. No one seems to quite fit the bill, but of course this kind of thing takes lots of time. Maybe it won't ever happen, who is to say? But it is still early in the game. Gotta go through 1000 weirdos before you find the right weirdo. I'm almost there! LOL. (Kidding.)

It seems like every day something new or strange happens, although this week has been boring as hell and I'm broke. I hate being broke, it makes me nuts.

Oh, I almost forgot, I'm down 28 pounds so far! Going strong! Not giving up!

If I were ever to get married again.

Even though it doesn't seem possible to me to find real love with as messed up as my life is, if I ever did, I would want to get married on a beach like this one. A teeny tiny little ceremony, barefoot in the sand with a wispy, soft white sundress on. Paradise. Ah, to dream. If you are going to fantasize and dream, I say DREAM BIG!

Working out with dogs.

So have you ever tried to work out at home with 2 dogs who love attention? It is an adventure.

Push-ups: Lick your face and crawl underneath you.
Sit-ups: Lick your face and crawl up on your stomach.
Squats: Bring out their toys and drop them in front of you, patiently waiting for you to reach down and throw them after each squat.
Lunges: Get in your way so you fall over.
Kicks: Bark at you.
Stretching: Bring the ball and drop in your laugh and whine.
Step-ups: Drop the ball in front of you so you trip over it.
Cool down: Pee on the floor.

AAAARGG!

Favorites Today

OK, this is not going to be a "Friday" thing I do, it is going to be a whenever-the-hell-I-want-to thing I do. LOL. I can't stick to a routine to save my life!

So here is the "favorite things" list for today.

The Yankee Candle air freshener for the car; scent "Sun and Sand". Smells like the beach! Suntan oil and hot, warm sand. Love it! Purchased at Fred Meyer (Kroger's).

Quicken 2010. Personal Finance made easy. This is the coolest program ever for getting your "Shit Together"! Purchased at Costco for $39.99, but had a $20 off coupon, so got it for $19.99. Worth every penny!

Nighty night.