New Friends

I've made lots of new friends online lately, and I wanted to mention one in particular. I believe I have a kindred spirit over at "The Truth Hurts". Jeffery is an excellent poet and writes from the heart. Something I can appreciate! He apparently ran across my blog accidentally and decided to join my "Follow My Blog" list. I just noticed it and started reading his blog today, but I'm intrigued already and know I will enjoy his style. Go check him out!

There has been such a flurry of activity on my Crackberry lately, holy MOLY. I am getting about 100 emails a day that I have to return, and it feels like a full-time job! That PLUS text messages, blogging, keeping up with my daily reads and trying to work! I am busy, that's for sure. It is my hobby, though, so I enjoy it. At least it keeps me from staring into space or drooling into a cup, which is what I'd probably be doing right about now.

Anyway, I am tired from the week of insomnia and sickness, so I'm going to turn in early. Until the wee hours my beloved readers, keep it real.

Photographer?

A little bit of good news to pick me up off of the floor. I've been asked (hired) to do some photography work for a little cash. Also, I might sell-out and advertise on my blog. I may as well get paid to bitch and whine. Oh, and I found my "safe" food for the moment. (Food that doesn't come back up.) Oreos. I guess I'll be living on Oreos for a while. Awesome.

GRRR

I know I have been a great joy to read lately.

I just don't do "fake" well. If I'm having a certain emotion, you know it. No guessing. When I am in trouble, I have to hash it out in writing. I understand if you want to leave and go read more inspirational blogs. I don't have much to offer in that category right now, sorry. But if real and raw is what you are looking for, hi! Some people just can't handle me, though. That's OK, but please don't go down the "you're too negative path", I will personally have to find you and punch you in the head.

Life has taken a serious turn for me, and I truly do not know what to do. I'm at a complete loss. I guess this is where faith comes in, although I have zero faith in humankind right now. I could experience more hardship and pain, or everything could turn on a dime. Who knows? I'm trying to find some hope. Something to look forward to. Something to care about. It is not easy. Some days I just want to drive off of a cliff and other days I think I'm being prepared for some kind of destiny. You know, because I'm so special and all. Pfft.

Well, this "Booze-Hound Bimbo" (I swear I'm going to have that made into a T-shirt! LOL!) is going to have a drink tonight. I need a break from reality. Yep, someone that doesn't know me at all called me that after reading a post or two from my blog, and for some reason it made me laugh really hard because not only am I a cheap date (one drink and I'm buzzed), but I'm fully educated with a degree. Not that any of that is reflected here on the CDM Bloggery. Oh well, pride is overrated.

The most dangerous thing.

They say the most dangerous thing is to lose hope. Well, that can certainly be true, but what I've found is that the most dangerous thing is to not even know what to hope FOR. I woke up this morning after very broken sleep, feeling very numb. Very disappointed. I don't know what to do. I have no clue. I don't know how to be; what to think. I just drove into work like a programmed robot. What is my next move? How do I survive? Do I care what happens?

I don't feel well. My stomach churns. My head pounds. My chest aches. I do not have the flu. If you want happy and warm and fuzzy, this is not the place for you hang out, I guess. I tell you what's real for me. No BS. No manufactured sunshine. This is how it is. I'm surviving, for now, but what is next? How long will I last? How do I write this next chapter? Life is what you make it, right? But what if you aren't controlling it?

Saving Grace

“Saving Grace” by Everlast

One time around the block
Two times around the clock
Three times, don't cross the little lady (lady)
So pretty and, oh, so bold
Got a heart full of gold on a lonely road
She said, "I don't even think that God can save me" (save me)
(Am I) gainin' ground
(Am I) losin' face
(Have I) lost and found my saving grace
Thankful for the gift my angels gave me
Born alone, we die alone
'N' I'm just sittin' here by the phone
Waitin' for the Lord to send my callin'
Street wise from the boulevard
Jesus only knows that she tries too hard
She's only tryin' to keep the sky from fallin'
Any man who says it's Heaven and Hell
Prob'ly got somethin' useless to sell
You ask me if I'm saved, but what's it to ya?
Blow a quarter, cop another eight
You're runnin' out of high, you're losin' your faith
Throw your hands up and scream, "Hallelujah"
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Amen
One time around the sun
Another year older and my work ain't done
It's time for me to write the final chapter (chapter)
Deal the cards and roll the dice
Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll are my only vice
Tryin' to figure out just what's here after (here after)
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Amen

Anger Issues

I love the movie "Freeway". This and Pulp Fiction make me happy when I'm in a mood.

P.S. No, I'm not OK. Alive, but not OK. I'm not really talking to anyone right now.

God help me.

I can't sleep, what a surprise. I am stressing big time, trying to figure out what to do. It is just one thing after another around here, and I really am starting to have chest pains. I already have trouble keeping food down these days. I'm online trying to find a second job. Probably going to have to moonlight as a waitress again. Fun, fun, fun. I just feel like collapsing onto the floor in a big crying heap. I'm so tired. Maybe I should just not care anymore. Give up. I used to have all this hope (for many things), but one by one, those hopes and dreams are disintegrating into dust. What was I thinking? Good dreams don't come true. Not for me.

I'm going to have a nervous breakdown.

I came home to a disaster. I'm probably going to lose everything. Awesome.

I feel like I'm face down bleeding in the mud and people keep coming by beating me with crowbars. Maybe I'll have a heart attack with my "can't afford medical insurance" problem. Then no more problem! Wheee! Ain't life grand? Fuck ME.

You can always count on change.

No matter what your situation, good or bad, change is constant. You will never sit idle for too long, even if you try. Change will force itself on you. That is comforting to me right now. I'm sick of being in limbo, feeling like I'm floundering. I'm waiting for a few things so that I know how to proceed forward. Last Friday was part of that, but I didn't get enough info. Moving. When and where? I have made some tentative plans, but that could all change based on other things. Very frustrating. This on top of other things going on for me make for an unstable mood. Even as hard as I try to be positive and upbeat, constant blows can really bring you down. There have been so many for me. You know the old saying "God won't give you more than you can handle"? Well, damn, God must think I'm fricking Xena the Warrior Goddess or something. I've been put through the ringer, not just the last year, but for a while now. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Perhaps. Or maybe what doesn't kill you now will kill you later. LOL. My blood pressure and cortisol levels can't be good right now. I'm not even going to bother with the doctor. Who cares, don't want to hear it.

Yes, I am in the "bad place" right now, and I have brought my blog with me. Forgive my dark posts, but perhaps you can relate. Don't leave me just yet, it will be a helluva ride for a while, but it will CHANGE. (See how I brought all that together? Yay me. Haha.) While it's true not every aspect of my life is discussed here, I am honest with regards to my blogging. I think it is beneficial to share some things. I know when I read other blogs, I can sometimes feel a sense of connection with someone who shares an interest or emotion. I think this explains the blogging phenomenon.

I also believe things happen for a reason. I don't always understand the reason, sometimes I don't like the reason and occasionally I never find out the reason, but I don't think we all just randomly walk the earth, or that things just happening willy-nilly. I can look back on many things in my life and understand why things happened the way they did, even if I was oblivious to the reason at the time it happened. Many times, what I thought was "bad" turned out to be a big blessing in disguise. For instance, I was fired once for something I didn't do, but didn't exactly think that was the grandest thing at the time. But, if that hadn't of happened, many, many good things would not have come to be. I think the people we cross paths with in this life are significant, too. Great friendships, life lessons, help for a season for one party or both, whatever it may be, it was meant to be, just the way it was, or is. I remember a girl I was friends with, in the 4th grade (Gigi), who had a big impact on the way my sense of humor turned out. Kinda cool, huh? I remember her so well. I wonder if she remembers me. She moved to my school in the 4th grade and left before the year ended. A short time for such a big impact, huh?

OK, I have rambled on for days here, trying to forget the darkness. I will go for now.

A message written for me today by no one I know.

I know you are seeking, "Which way do I go?" I know you are asking, "Where is the place for me?" There is a place that is perfectly suited. You will know it when you are there. You have thus far followed the right path, step by step. I know it has been difficult, and your heart is hurting, but your heart will be healed by God, who has your heart and will set you in the right place. This is a broad place where you will be received with love and joy. You will be needed in this place, even though at first it will not seem so. But continue to trust and have faith, and you will see later.

Guess that emotion.

Magadog

Magadog is trying to cheer me up. Dogs are the best. When you are feeling blue, like a worthless nothing nobody, a dog can make you feel like a somebody.

Tanking

I was feeling pretty good, then I tanked. I tanked hard. Life is awesome.

You know what is amusing to me?

When people underestimate me. When people do not know what I am capable of. When all they see is some blonde girl who likes to laugh at silly things and cuss up a storm. It has happened a lot in my life because people only know what I WANT them to know.

Sometimes at work it happens. I'll solve some problem some Harvard idiot who is mean to people has been working on for years. You should see the look on their faces. It is super entertaining. I am not the smartest person who ever lived by a long shot, but I have my moments. Life gets the best of me sometimes, though, just like everyone else. I battle with stupid depression and anxiety, and that skews my judgement occasionally.

I have had an interesting life. Much more interesting than what you read here. I have also seen and been through some incredibly horrific things. Things I don't talk about. I made a conscious choice a while ago to change who I used to be. I haven't always been the kind of person God would be proud of. (I'm still not, really.) I have done some really crappy things. I went to therapy to solve my anger issues, and I think I have. Which is good. Being angry and bitter and vengeful just makes you miserable inside, and you end up having so many regrets. I, for one, want to be the kind of person people WANT to know. Want to be with. Being kind and generous and compassionate brings more happiness than millions of dollars. When you can go to bed at night with a clear conscience, it is the best feeling in the world. No, I'm not perfect. FAR from it. BUT I'm trying to be a better person. I do love God, some of you know that. I will let HIM do the judging. However, for anyone who wishes me or those I care about harm, tread lightly.

Jinxed

Well, it has been a stupid day. I haven't felt well today and have been in bed for most of it. Now I'll be up all night. Awesome. I wanted to go on a movie date tonight with the hubs, but I don't know. Maybe tomorrow. I have a new friend over at "Jinxed". Funny! I have many stories to share there. I truly am JINXED.

Vino

This is last night's post that I didn't hit the send button on. Having a little vino. Unfortunately, I still can't tell you what I was doing today, it's still too early. Patience. It's overrated, isn't it?

Man, I'm tired this morning! It is entirely too early to be up on a Saturday.

Riddle Me a Lollipop

I answered the riddle of the day at the bank and got a lollipop. Now I'm off to my adventure!

Teriyaki

I am a HUGE teriyaki fan, and out of the billions I've tried, I like this one the best. Just so you know.

What am I up to, you ask?

Well, I'm forming some plans to have a life. I think I'm going to start having some fun. I've enjoyed the last couple of "nights out" I've had, and I think there just may be some more in store. I may know more tomorrow about some additional big changes for me, but I can't say until I'm sure. Don't want to be premature with this. I've been doing some thinking the last week or so and I'm feeling better and stronger now and maybe even a little feisty!