I start my new job tomorrow.

Here are all the thoughts/emotions I am having about it:

1. I'm nervous.
2. I don't wanna. I've decided working is BS.
3. I have to prove myself all over again and quite frankly I'm tired.
4. I hope all the people are cool, I am less patient in my old age.
5. I wonder if I'm up for any more challenges.
6. I'm feeling shy and introverted right now.
7. I'm still wondering about my future and how long it will be before things change even more. I feel it coming, I'm still in sort of a limbo stage.
8. I miss some of my old co-worker friends and fear I won't have as much daily freedom.
9. I know it will be lonely for a while until I make new friends, which is hard when you are feeling tired and introverted.
10. Shit, I have to go back to work.

I should be feeling excited and blessed and that there are all these new opportunities, but it's not happening at the moment. Maybe it will change. My mom's friend Cathy perfectly defined when a woman says she's FINE:

Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional

So, I guess I'm fine. ;-)

Good Signs

Going Out

Guess who's going out for dinner? *Wink*

The newest saga with the dog bed.

So last night as I was preparing for bed, Louie got in his little bed and PISSED IN IT. Then he went under my vanity table and curled up and went to sleep. He wouldn't go back in his bed of course because it was wet with piss. He was marking it obviously, so Maggie wouldn't get in it, but will he ever use it again? Because I can't take it back now! Damn dog. Does this happen to anyone else, or just me? I am so not the dog whisperer. I'm more like the dog screamer.

On the Couch

Me and the puppies have been curled up on the couch watching movies. I watched "Hancock". It got bad reviews, but I liked it. I just saw the preview to "Seven Pounds", and it looks REALLY good. I will be going to the theatre to see that one. It looks like a tearjerker, so I won't be wearing any mascara or eyeliner to the movie. I cry at pretty much everything lately, I swear. Don't know what that is about. What a sappy wuss I've turned out to be.

I got a new bed set (badly needed!) as an early Christmas gift. It's RED! (I know, big surprise.) When my mom and I were out shopping I decided to get it and she helped. It is gorgeous! Comfy too! I'll take a pic of it once I clean up my bedroom. Good God it is a mess! With all the traveling and job craziness, I have slacked off on cleaning. Which drives me nuts, but one thing at a time. I want to paint in there too, and I got some new bathroom fixtures because my house is falling apart. Whether I stay or go, these are good improvements.

The story of the dog bed.

I buy a 35 fucking dollar dog bed and the first night I have it, the damn dog won't go near it. I try to coax him in it, and he whines and puts his ears back like I'm beating him. Then, I try to pick him up and put him in it and he screams bloody murder, wiggles and jumps out of arms. OK, fine. I wake up 2 hours later, and he's laying NEXT TO IT. Yup, my retarded dog.

Then when I woke up this morning, he was all curled up in a little ball in it. He just needed to do it in his OWN TIME. How cute is that?

I only cried once.

Had a nice quiet Thanksgiving with family. Full. Tired. I only cried once. My tummy was a little upset, so I didn't really eat much. Now I'm going to watch a movie, I think. My posts are getting lamer and lamer. I'll try to think of something more exciting a little later, K? FYI, I am all bummed because "True Blood" had its season finale last Sunday and I have to wait until next Summer for the next season! I HATE the way they do seasons now! However, in January, Jack's back! ("24") and also "LOST". So that helps.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who celebrates it.

I miss you, Dad. A lot.

I'm freezing.

I'm laying in bed, and I'm freezing. How is that possible when you are all bundled up?

Naked Tanning

I could so get used to not working, I'm loving this do whatever I want, whenever I want thing, like for instance I'm going naked tanning right now in the middle of the day. I think I would run out of money quickly, though.

Dog Bed & Quaint Lunch

Since Lou can't sleep on the bed anymore, I got him this ADORABLE little cheetah bed! Also, my mom and I went to lunch, and I had hot cider, and a soup & sandwich at this quaint little house-like restaurant. What an awesome day.

I am festive today!

Green shirt, red sweater coat. It is a balmy 33 degrees out today. I have a new pose, did you notice? I need a hobby. Going to do a little Christmas shopping, although my list of people to shop for is dwindling. But I'm not talking about that. Festive, I need to be festive.

They just don't understand posing!

Me and the pups playing. As you can see it is difficult to play with dogs and take your own pics.

Pink Stuff

New pink sweater, and new pink earrings. (From Disneyland!)

One of the worst migraines of my life.

I have been writhing in pain for the last 10 or so hours with the worst migraine I have EVER had. It made me sick; I couldn't see, and I wanted to DIE. It still feels like someone hit me in the head with a baseball bat, although I feel better. There is no relief when you have a migraine, it is just constant pain. It really sucks. The only pain more severe that I've experienced is kidney stones. If the hospital that is covered under my insurance wasn't an hour and a half away, I would have gone to emergency. Seriously.

Beautiful Words

I copied this from Yogagirl's blog because it made me weepy. It is beautiful. I read these words to myself and there are also others out there whom I think should take these words to heart. I know of someone who it might speak to. Life is so very precious and I've learned that I have wasted entirely too much of it.

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool, for love, for your dream
For the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
If you have been opened by life's betrayals
Or have become shriveled and closed
From fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own
Without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own
If you can dance with wildness
And let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
Without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic
To remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true
I want to know if you can
Disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty
Even when it is not pretty, every day.
And if you can source your own life from its presence
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine
And still stand at the edge of the lake
And shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES".
It doesn't interest me
To know where you live or how much money you have
I want to know if you can get up
After the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone
And do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
In the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Vet Visit

OK, I'm feeling less sad and pathetic. I went for another vet visit today and Louie was better. They think he may have just tweaked his back. I still can't let him jump, but the bloodwork did not indicate a more serious condition. THANK YOU, GOD. I have to have my Lou-Bear healthy. Too many bad things have happened in the last year for my poor little heart to take anymore right now.

It is weird not working. Last week just felt like vacation, but now I feel anxious. I start my new job next week, and that will be weird too. Lots of change. I feel unusually wiped out today, and I don't really know what to do with myself. I'm kind of wandering around the house. Maybe I'll take a bubble bath and listen to music or something.

Placing Deficits?

I'm sad today. I don't want to get out of bed. The vet told me Louie has "Placing Deficits" in his hindquarters and he can no longer "jump" or go up and down stairs. He can no longer be in the bed because of the height, and that it could be the start of a serious condition. I can't take any more heartache. I just can't.

My Lou

Lou-dog just wants to go to bed, like his Mama.

Bad Things

If you want to know what I'm doing at 3 am, I'm listening to Jace Everett's "Bad Things", and singing along. What do YOU do at 3 am?