Brainwave Stabilization

After my minor meltdown the other day, I experienced what I call 'dead calm'. Everything that had been haunting me and puzzling me, came into focus. My emotions stopped, and my brain started. Everything was suddenly (eerily) crystal clear to me. I have been "calm, cool and collected" ever since. Even at this moment. What seemed so impossible to me before, doesn't seem so complicated now. I don't know why. Perhaps I'm using the left half of my brain more?

I don't go to therapy much anymore, but I did go today, and she said some things to me that made me feel pretty good. She told me that despite all the difficulties and tragedy that I have been through in such a short period of time, that I have progressed in mental "maturity" at a staggering rate. My thinking is different. She said she has never had a client that tackled their challenges so forcefully and successfully, so quickly. My brain waves were the most calm and stable today since I started therapy (EEG Biofeedback), which means I am finally operating without debilitating anxiety and fear. I was extremely calm, logical and rational (I know, I know, you don't believe it.). I was actually articulating my thought process well. I still have some "life navigating" to do (don't we all), but it is controlled and thought-out now, rather than a jumble of ideas rattling around going nowhere.

She could have just been pumping sunshine up my ass to boost my esteem, but truly, for the first time, maybe EVER, I feel like I'm finally moving forward in my life with a lot more confidence, and a lot less crazy. And I'm not taking any crap. Look out world.

Significant Personal Challenges

I'm sorry my blogging sucks right now. I'll do the best I can, as often as I can, but I am facing significant personal challenges/changes at the moment, and I can't talk about it in much detail online.

Long Shower

I just got out of a really long, hot shower. I never do that. I just sat on the side of the tub and let the water fall on top of me for an hour. Is that weird?

Meltdown

Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Meltdown. It started about 2:30 am. I don't know how much I want to talk about it, but there was crying and yelling. Frustration. There is no point in getting up today, but I have to. Life goes on, like it or not. My marriage is in trouble. I need a hug. Well, I need more than a hug, but I'll take what I can get.

Too Much Crab

Speaking of eating, I just ate entirely too much crab. I feel sick. It's not good. Aren't you glad I'm telling you about it? Maybe I should go for a walk or something. This is when I need a beach. A nice walk along the surf would be nice right about now.

Future is so bright, I gotta wear shades?

Something Strange

I wake up with a voracious appetite. And I mean voracious! Most people I know don't even eat breakfast, and certainly aren't starving when they wake up. I could eat a steak dinner when I wake up. It's weird, no? During the week I don't get up with enough time to eat, but on the weekends I go straight to the frig. Is there anyone else out there like this? Probably not. LOL.

Help Me!

My computer DIED. It is completely fried. It worked fine yesterday, and today it won't turn on AT ALL. It's like no power is getting to it. I know the power works on the outlet because my printer and scanner still come on, but the computer is just pitch black. I've checked to make sure everything is plugged in, and it is, but if the power pack (adapter) died, then the battery source should kick in, right? Unless they are both fried. I don't know what to do. Should I take it to the shop? Just buy a new power pack and battery? I can't afford a new laptop. SHIT! Thank God for the Crackberry! But I can't do anything with my digital pics, or get to my online banking. This sucks the big one. HELP ME!

Best Fajitas

"Mi Tierra" has the best fajitas, hands down! How boring do you have to be to take a pic of your dinner every night? Gah. Sorry guys, I'm TRYING to get a life. LOL.

Thrill a minute.

My new earrings. It's a thrill a minute around here. Fuck, is there anyone even out there? Hello?

If I could be doing anything.

This is what I would want to be doing. I don't know who these people are, I just like the photo. I wonder if it is authentic or staged. This is one of my dreams. Maybe someday.

Breakfast Kick

I did something really bad. I stopped at McDonald's for breakfast. The shame. I've been on this breakfast kick for some reason. I don't know. Now the grease ball is sitting in my stomach like a meteorite. UG. Why do we do these things to ourselves? McDonald's is the devil.

Breakfast for dinner!

Yup, that is ketchup on my hashbrowns. You HAVE to have ketchup on hashbrowns. My mom and I went to a pancake house for dinner. I of course had to have eggs benedict. I'm getting in trouble for blogging. Apparently its rude. Go figure.

Dogtown and Dancing

On the lighter side of life, I love the National Geographic channel. "Dogtown" will MELT your heart! If it wasn't in Utah, I think I would volunteer there! They help dogs who have been deemed "unhelpable". It is the coolest place EVER. Dogs are so awesome.

One other thing, shh, don't tell anyone, I have agreed to watch "Dancing with the Stars" with my friends Juice and Hole next Thursday night. Hehe. I told them we should practice during commercials. NO, there will be no video.

Got Chili?

This is a great spicy chili recipe!

It works best to cook it in a big soup pot, or Dutch oven. Make sure your ingredients are the highest quality you can find/afford.

Also, I don't always use beans. I actually prefer chili "Texas Style" with all meat. If you go for that, just up the amount of beef/sausage you use to compensate.

This recipe is popular at potlucks, but in that case I take it down a notch with the spices. At home, it is no-holds-barred!

1.5 lbs. ground beef (lean)
1 lb. ground Italian sausage (sweet or spicy)
3 onions, chopped
2 jalapeños (fresh), chopped
1 cup red wine
1 cup water
2 8 oz. cans tomato paste
28 oz. of whole tomatoes, diced
2 garlic cloves, crushed
1 15 oz. can kidney beans
1 15 oz. can chili beans OR black beans
1/4 cup chili powder (I use spicy)
2 tbsp all-purpose flour
1 tbsp granulated sugar
2 tbsp oregano
1 tbsp basil
1 tsp cumin
1 tbsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp salt

Brown ground beef, sausage, onion and garlic, then drain. Add all other ingredients and simmer on medium heat for 20 minutes, then turn to low and simmer for 1 and a half hours, stirring occasionally. Serve with a dollop of sour cream and shredded cheese.

Makes 12 servings.

Sometimes I add chopped green peppers and tarragon. Use warm tortillas to dip! YUMMY.

Mailbag

Many of you would like to know what is meant by my new mantra at the top "When you learn how to die, you learn how to live.", so instead of answering a bunch of individual emails about it, I thought I'd post about it. I found this statement by accident, really, but I thought it was profound and that it had much truth to it. To me it means to "die to self", so you can live in Christ. It is a Christian thing, but the actual quote came from a Jewish man named Morrie Schwartz from his book "Tuesdays with Morrie".

Here are some excerpts to give you a general idea:

"By living each day as if it could be our last, we relate to each life experience passionately, powerfully, and memorably."

"Have you ever experienced something so memorable that it is impossible to forget it? Most of us forget a large percentage of the people we meet, the places we go, the events we experience. But certain things stick out in our minds and are never forgotten. Why? What's special about those memorable times?"

"There don't seem to be too many days or happenings that we lock in like this. How can we produce more experiences and days to be lived as powerfully? Morrie tells us: Learn how to die, and you learn how to live."

Thoughts

Because people generally don't talk about it, I've often wondered about it. What is the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning? What is the last thing you think about when you go to bed? What dominates your thoughts during the day?

I know everyone has to focus on work or tasks, family matters, that sort of thing, but I suspect, unless I am a complete freak, that other things creep in there, maybe thoughts that repeat themselves for you privately each day.

If you were on a secluded beach somewhere right now, with no worries of finances or work or family, what would your thoughts land on? Where would your mind wander to?

I don't expect you to answer, of course, but because I find myself going back to certain thoughts so frequently (that aren't just the day's agenda) I thought I would put it out there for you to ponder as well. What did reading this post make you think of? You never know, it could be really important!

Anyway, happy thoughts to you!

Bling Mail!

I love getting mail! Especially when it is jewelry made special for me!

Here is my new Crackberry charm and matching earrings! (Because that is important.) Yes, I know this is what 12-year-old girls do, but I don't care, you see. I don't want to grow up. Growing up sucks. Getting these, made my crappy day just a little better! I'm sparkly now and hip with the youth. HA. Not so much. I'm just an old fart looking silly.

OMG, where is the liquor?

Busy, stupid, hair-pulling Monday. Every two minutes someone was bellowing, "Are you done with that yet?" into my cubical. Which I love. But now it's over. Thank God.

For the end of my day? A doctor's appointment. Joy. I am asking for drugs. All they can say is no, and they probably will, but I'm going to try.

My mom surprised me and came to take me to lunch. It was very sweet, and an escape for a while was much needed. Thanks Ma! I had a chicken sammy, and an iced mocha.

Oh, how I miss the pool.

This is a shot I took at night that I thought turned out cool. It looks so inviting to me. I really miss the pool, and the warm summer nights.

It is cold, dark and rainy today and I'm sitting by the window drinking some coffee. Maybe I'll put some Bailey's in it.

When you go in the pool at night, at first it is a little cold, but then it soon feels like a bathtub, and you don't want to get out. I don't know why I like that so much, but I do. Anyway, I am daydreaming about it. One day it won't be a daydream. Maybe many things won't.