Autopilot & iTunes

I don't even know if I blinked on the commute to work this morning. Staring off into space on autopilot.

Right now, I'm tuning everyone out listening to iTunes with my headphones on. I have a load of tedious paperwork and data entry to do, and my brain will be mush I'm sure, by noon. I don't have to think too much about those activities, so the music helps with the monotony. I'm listening to the soundtrack from "Lost in Translation". I decided I liked it after watching it a week or so ago and downloaded some songs. I especially like "Girls" by "Death in Vegas" and "Just Like Honey" by "The Jesus and Mary Chain". Are you sick of my stupid selfies, yet?

An Odd Stop

I took my mom out for dinner tonight right after work, and it was really nice. I wasn't having a meltdown this time, and we got to talk, just the two of us. I mean really talk. We have a bond now that is stronger than it ever was before, and it is so sweet. I'm not afraid to tell her things anymore and I can really be myself. We went to one of her favorite Mexican food places where they serve the best sangria. (She really missed her sangria in California.) I'm completely stuffed, and I don't think I'll eat for a week.

On the drive home, I had an overwhelming feeling to stop by the river. There is a big river that runs through the town I live in, and I don't think I've been down to it for years. I kept thinking, "Why do I have this weird feeling to stop? It's 8:30 at damn night!" It was still daylight, but still, very strange. So, all by myself, I drove down the unpaved, rocky hill into this little picnic area parking lot. I sat in the SUV for a few minutes feeling a little dumb, then all of a sudden, I felt like I wanted to get out and walk down to the bank of the river. So, I did. In clogs. Nothing special happened, really, I just stood there, staring at the river. So beautiful, and so quiet. There was no one else there, just me. I just watched the rushing water. I don't know how long I stood there, maybe 10 minutes or so. I drove home in silence. I walked into the house, which was also oddly quiet. So, there you have it, my little detour home. I have no idea, I guess I'm just a weirdo. Now I'm blogging about it.

Special Agent CrazyDogMama

So, I officially reached the "too old" point on May 12 to be recruited into the FBI. Which I was seriously considering. No one knew. So, mom, you can breathe now. Back in college I was approached by a recruiter that wanted to send me to Quantico ASAP; they wanted to yank me out only two years into college, then send me back to finish. (Having a bachelor's degree is required for employment.) I didn't take it because I wasn't ready to leave everything and everyone I knew behind. I interned for the local sheriff's department instead, in the fraud unit, then went on to the academy after that. A part of me regrets not taking the opportunity, but then again, it obviously wasn't meant to be. There is something else, I think, that is awaiting me. Something very interesting.

Um, these are good!

I don't usually like the taste of energy drinks, but this one is yummy. My mom brought one to me at work today, is she not the sweetest? It doesn't give you the jitters.

"Rockstar Roasted Coffee Latte"

Somebody save me from myself.

"When Ignorance is Bliss, Somebody Save Me from Myself" - Jars of Clay

It's an interesting quote/lyric, I think. I'm not going to write my interpretation or what it means to me but leave that to you. You might think it is intriguing or insightful, or you may just think it is ridiculous and makes no sense. It's up to you. That is the beauty of lyrics, poems, quotes, books, and basically everything communicated, it is subject to interpretation. Sometimes I find something that really speaks to me for whatever reason. This is what got me thinking today.

I had a major meltdown yesterday, which was really fun, and I felt so bad for doing that when it was the first time I had seen my mom in so long. She worries about me, and she is dealing with major stuff herself. I kept apologizing, which she didn't understand, but I wanted her to know that I wasn't trying to upset her, that my emotions were just on overload. I'm calmer today, although my eyes look like somebody punched me in them. They are all puffy and swollen. I hate that. Coming to work sometimes helps get my mind off of things. I am forced to deal with the world, and responsibilities.

In my younger days, especially when I was in Law Enforcement, I had the ability to be "robotic" with my emotions. I could turn them off with the snap of my fingers. Completely disengage from emotion all together whenever I wanted to. For some reason, I lost that ability somewhere along the road. It wasn't that I didn't have emotions, I could just control them. I would simply say to myself, "I'll cry about that later, or I'll get angry about that tomorrow." Just shove those pesky feelings aside. I can still maintain absolute control in a crisis, but on an everyday level, if I feel sad, I'm sad, if I feel irritated, I'm irritated. No hiding it. Weird, huh?

I had Eggo waffles for breakfast from the company kitchen this morning. My eating has been less than stellar this last week. I haven't cooked, just been eating crap. Macaroni and cheese, frozen burritos, waffles, etc., or not eating at all. I'm thinking I need some vegetables and lean meat soon because I was doing so well, and now I feel like a big pile of poo. No wonder, my brain is fuzzy from all the junk food.

An especially hard day.

It is Father's Day and also my dad's birthday. I've spent a good part of the morning curled up in the fetal position crying. Some parts of me feel so empty and gone. It is hard to explain. I don't even know who I am right now. For lots of reasons.

My mom is back and is coming over for dinner, so that will be nice, but I'm not such good company right now. I'm glad she is home, though, I've missed her terribly, she's been gone for 9 weeks.

Happy Father's Day to all the fathers out there, and to all of you who can, go give your fathers a big hug and kiss and tell them how much you love them.

I hate golf, but Tiger does have a gift.

Because of Jim, I did catch some of the US Open yesterday and was completely astounded by Tiger's amazing putts. He is a truly gifted golfer. Usually watching golf is like watching paint dry for me, but that was pretty darn impressive. I've thought of giving golf a chance, but I don't know. I'd probably get too frustrated. I used to be such an adrenaline junkie, and golf just wasn't quite exciting enough for me, but the older I get, the more I realize my ninja days are over.

I watched Jim golf once and rode around in the golf cart taking pictures. He kept slicing his golf balls into the water hazards and I just laughed and told him, "Why don't you just go dump the rest of the box of balls into the water so we can go?" He didn't find that amusing. LOL.

Comedy Central

"So where IS Shit Creek, anyway? Why would you go there, and why wouldn't you bring a paddle?

"Barack Hussein Obama. What a hard name to win people over with. The only harder name would be Charles Mansion Hitler. "

ROFLMAO!

I'm watching comedy central. I don't know who the guy is, but he's funny. I am easily amused.

Blog Slam

So, I just got slammed on another blog for my bathtub pics.

She went on and on about what kinds of blogs to steer clear of: poor blog design, not many comments, and people who post pics of themselves in the bathtub. She mentions this several times, and even ends her post with it. She seems to really think this is the dredge of bloggery. See this is why I don't talk bad about anyone on my blog, only myself. She not only just lost a reader, but I'm taking her off of my links. Not that she'll care. I am probably one of the least judgmental people you'll ever meet, I just don't give a flip about whatever floats your boat. Sure, stupid people annoy me, but I would never end a friendship over it or slam their character personally. I think it is a waste of time to be arrogant and self-important. Some of the very best people I've met have poor blog design and post weird stuff. There are so many things I could say about this person as far as my observations go, but there is no point. I'm not taking the righteous high road; I just don't want to waste my time. I'm just going to kick the dust off of my heels and move on. Not everyone is going to love me.

Or, I could just say "Bite me you arrogant, ugly twit." but, nah. LOL.

Mental health, what not to do.

Do you know what I did with my day off? My supposed "mental health" day? I washed the dogs and clipped their toenails. I KNOW. This did not help my mental health. Trust me on this one. I have the craziest, stubbornest, most willful little fuzzy brats in the WORLD. It is truly exhausting. At some point today they will "spite piss" somewhere to get even with me, then I will go ballistic and have to take an anxiety pill.

I really want macaroni and cheese. At 9:30 am. I'm going to go make it. Be back later.

Party of One

So, I took a lovely bubble bath. So nice. I used foaming lavender and rose petal fragrance. I drank champagne and played "Enigma". I like the chanting monks. The songs "Principles of Lust" and "The Rivers of Belief" are awesome. In the "Rivers of Belief", the first part sounds like "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" (lame), but once you get past that, it puts you in a relaxed state of mind, I love it. The dogs were oh-so curious about what I was doing, so I kept blowing bubbles on them for a little entertainment. Also entertaining? Trying not to drop my $1000 camera in the tub.

SPLAT

I need to add "bird" to my repertoire of kills with my vehicle. There have now been 3 deer, a dog and a bird. Last night while driving home, a big, fat bird flew right smack into my windshield as I was going about 60 mph. It left a nice BIG blob of guts and blood and of course scared the living piss out of me. I used my windshield wipers and fluid to try and clean it off, but all it did was smear it all over the place. In chunks. There are chunks of guts still on my windshield. I'll need to hose that off later.

In other news, Jim left this morning for California, and I will be having an exciting "party for one" tonight. I plan to take a nice hot bath with lots of bath salts and good smellies, accompanied by candles and champagne. I'm taking tomorrow off for "mental health" and I'm hoping to get some much-needed sleep.

Wordless Wednesday

A beautiful Tuesday morning in June.

It's raining and drizzling. It actually doesn't bother me all that much, and it makes me laugh to hear everyone complaining. I may be alone on this, but I hope the summer is mellow. I like the sunshine as much as the next guy, but I like 'pleasant' weather. I don't have air conditioning, so if it gets really hot, I feel like I can't breathe.

I have a bit of a headache I need to get rid of, and a whole butt-load of work on my desk. *sigh*. Another day in paradise.

I'm calmer now, you can come out of hiding.

I am shopping for a Blackberry. Maybe a Curve? Do you have one? Do you like it? What kind do you have? Would you get a different one if you could? I can't live without the internet/email now at any given point in my day. Plus, if I EVER get to travel, I may not want to take my laptop.

I need feedback because I am virtually clueless about these right now. I am just now starting to do my research. You tech people out there need to help me. Thanks.

Pep Talk

This is not for the faint of heart, just so you know. I read what I wrote this morning and just shook my head. I decided to look myself in the mirror and say this:

"Snap out of it. You are acting ridiculous. Quit being a whiny-ass wuss. You've been through worse, and you will GO THROUGH WORSE. You know that the earth is about to split open and unleash the demons of hell, and you better stop being an idiot drama-queen RIGHT NOW. You are stronger than this. You are not this stupid, nor gullible. You've had some pain, some loss, some heartache, now it's time to GET OVER IT. What is going to happen, is going to happen. People are going to do what they are going to do, or not. You know what you have to do. You know what needs to be done. DO IT. Go get your work done!"

I think I missed my calling as a Drill Sargeant.

I shouldn't blog today.

I am just going to bring you down. I didn't blog yesterday, the first day in months because I just didn't see the point. I really don't want to blog today, but people are starting to get concerned. I'm sorry about that, it's hard to share your pain sometimes. How I'm feeling? Like I don't care whether I live or die. Don't get all freaked, it's just a feeling.

I kind of collapsed yesterday and slept all day. The whole not sleeping thing eventually catches up with you. I'm tired of hearing myself complain, so I figured the rest of the world could do without it too. I'm depressed, or sad, I guess. I'm not just having a couple of bad days; I can't shake this funk and its starting to piss me off. So many things have happened to me personally in the last 6 months or so, and I tend to internalize everything. I guess that catches up with you too. Just when you think you are strong, you find out how weak you are. The work is piling up on my desk and I'm just staring at it. I'm going to have to gather all the strength I have to do it. I don't think anyone is going to rescue me from this mess.

Some days I have great hope for things, then the next I just feel like a fool. Yeah, I blog about some things, and I talk to a therapist, but what it comes down to, is no matter how hard I try, well, you know. No one gets what's going on with me, because I keep most of it to myself. I'll feel good for about a week here and there. Honestly, right now, I don't feel like praying, and I don't feel like talking. Which isn't like me. Life throws weird stuff at you. Sometimes I don't get it. I find myself saying stuff like "What am I supposed to do with that?" "How am I supposed to react to this?" Just feeling alone, even though I'm really not. Don't give up on me.

Someone just came up to me and told me I looked nice today. Which is sweet, especially since it was a guy. But I'm like, whatever, thanks. Somebody needs to smack me, geez! I managed to snap a couple of Monday morning piss-fest pictures of myself. These are not the sexiest pics, I know. Back away slowly. I bite. I was trying to throw a kiss, but look as though I'm about to burst into tears? Hot.

Saturday Quotes.

I like quotes. :) Enjoy.

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. To keep our faces toward change and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate is strength undefeatable."
- Helen Keller

"Hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible."
-Unknown

"Life is not a static thing. The only people who do not change their minds are incompetents in asylums, and those in cemeteries."
-Everett Dirksen

"The world is so constructed, that if you wish to enjoy its pleasures, you must also endure its pains."
-Brahmnanda, Hindu philosopher

"Sadness is but a wall between two gardens."
-Kahlil Gibran

"Seek the wisdom of the ages but look at the world through the eyes of a child."
-Ron Wild

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is awaiting us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one is to come."
-Joseph Campbell

Places I want to go before I die.

I've compiled a list of all the places I've always wanted to go. I guess I would be happy going ANYWHERE since I've never been anywhere, but I suppose this would be my "ultimate" list. There are other places I would like to add to my list, but I'm going to start with this. It starts small and gets exponentially more expensive.

1. Las Vegas. I know, you can't believe I've never been there. Well, I haven't. This is actually doable for me. I'm not really a huge gambler/drinker, but I've heard it's a great place for an insomniac. I would really like to go on the rollercoaster on top of the building and the one that goes through the hotel, too. I love thrills.

2. New Orleans. I know it is not the same since Katrina, but I know I would fall in love with it. The jazz bars, the creepy cemeteries, the swamps. Imagine the photos I could take! The Cajun food! My favorite photographer makes me yearn to see it. http://www.juliabailey.com/

3. New York. I would love to just walk the streets of New York and people watch.

4. Northern Italy. I am partial to Northern Italian cuisine, and I adore Amarone wine. I would love to tour the Valpolicella region and specifically Veneto.

5. Greece. I really need to go to Santorini, Greece. I've wanted to go there for so long. I think it would be incredibly romantic and beautiful. All the white, rounded buildings/structures lining the hillsides. I hear Crete is amazing, too. the history alone is incredible.

6. Salzburg, Austria. I love Mozart. I took a classical music course in college and have wanted to visit Salzburg ever since.

7. Bavaria, Germany. I would love to see the Eagle's Nest. Perhaps drive the "Romantic Road".

8. Bora Bora, French Polynesia. I've never been any place tropical, and a friend of mine said this is "BAR NONE" the most amazingly beautiful place on earth. The water, the huts, the food, the people. I have a collection of photos I've gathered dreaming of this place. I use them as wallpapers on my computer.

9. Egypt. I am fascinated by Egyptian history. Who isn't? The pyramids, the tombs, the culture. Everything.

10. Israel. (The Holy Lands) It gives me goosebumps just thinking about the history there. A bit dangerous, but oh well.

The only other places I can think of are perhaps somewhere in Mexico, Puerto Rico? Cancun? I'm not sure yet. And maybe a tropical rain forest. South America? The Congo? I don't know, though.

One thing at a time. I'm trying to plan a trip to Vegas, maybe September? I know it will be really hard to twist Juice's arm to meet me there.

Really Good Quotes

"To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing."
- Elbert Hubbard

"The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances, if there is any reaction, both are transformed."
-Carl Jung

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect."
-Mark Twain

"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance."
-Confucious

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."
-M. Scott Peck

"In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

"If you understand everything, you must be misinformed."
-Japanese proverb

"You don't realize how good your memory is until you try to forget something."
-Unknown

"Confidence is the ability to be more interested than afraid."
-Unknown