A Little Melancholy

You should be used to this by now. I'm feeling like my life is in "limbo". Have you ever felt that way? Waiting, like a spring ready to be sprung. Not going backward, but not going forward either. Fear of the unknown? Waiting for the planets to be aligned correctly? I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing, or what to do next sometimes. It's like nothing is changing on the outside, but there are big ones happening on the inside. I'm missing my dad today, too. I wish I could talk to him, get his advice on some things. Go out to our favorite Thai food joint that my mom refused to go to, and just talk about everything. He was always so worried about me, yet proud of me at the same time. He would tell me to pull my head out of my ass. (LOL!), but in a loving way, though. This time last year we were fishing, and it was so sweet. He had shown me over a million times how to put my fishing pole together (rigging) based on the terrain of the water, but I just could never get it right. So, he would do it for me. Then I would catch all the fish and he would spend the day getting them off the hook for me instead of watching his own pole. I miss him so much.

This is how my day is going.

I can't help but laugh at these things. First, one of my co-workers is REALLY mad at me. I just gave him back a gigantic package of complicated engineering drawings because I found errors. He asked me if we could "let it slide this once?". I said no. (Hey! It's my job!) I didn't get promoted because I "let things slide". Several engineers around his cubical were rolling in laughter because they know it will take him forever to fix it.

Second, my skirt is really long, and when I roll around in my chair from one side of my cubical to the next, the skirt gets caught in the wheels and yanks it off my hips. OOPS. I'm paranoid it's going to rip and then what will I do? I have it hiked up around my thighs right now and I'm hoping to God no one comes up behind me without my knowledge. I'm just a complete mess, aren't I?

It's a blog-a-thon today. I'm feeling chatty.

This brings me back.

Our company gave out iPods a few years ago to all the employees, so everyone has iTunes on their computer and we "share" our music. I was looking through someone's selection and found "Angel" by Aerosmith. LOL! I remember being a teenager wanting a guy to feel that way about me so bad. Isn't that funny? Rockers trying to do love songs cracks me up, but still. Silly, huh? Ah, youth.

Mysterious Peasant Girl

Back at the cubical for a fun-filled day of engineering drawings, a therapy session and traffic. Good times. I'm wearing my relatively new "peasant skirt" today and people always remark on it. They say things like, "Pretty colors!" or "Look at you!". It's nice, of course, but it's funny to me. I'm usually wearing black pants, so it is noticeable when I change it up, I guess. I was going to take a pic of my lovely bruise, but it's a little too "revealing", so I decided against it. I took a pic of my skirt instead. I feel like Holly Hobbie or Laura Ingalls or something. Hehe. One other thing. I probably shouldn't tell you this, but my bra is DRIVING ME CRAZY. It's itchy and I want to just yank it off! I hate it when they are pokey. I probably shouldn't go braless at work though.

Scary after 9 pm.

At least it will be a short week having Monday off. Other than doing some stretching this morning, I have been a complete sloth today. I'm hungry, but everything that sounds good, we don't have. I don't want to go out because it is scary in this town after 9 at night, especially if you bathe and have all of your teeth. (I live in a very small mountain town and there are some scary locals.) I watched "Black Snake Moan" again (I like that movie) and spent a good chunk of the afternoon trying to fix my computer. OMG how frustrating that can be! But what do you know? I ACTUALLY fixed it! I am in utter shock. I actually figured it out! I was panicking because my computer is my life blood. If I can't check my email, blog, surf the internet and fiddle with my photos, I will lose my mind. I am so proud of myself.

I'm not feeling tired at all. I feel a "Sleepless in Seattle" night coming on.

Fakin' the Funk to Facilitate the Fraud

Caveman wants to know what this means, and he is the ONLY one who gave me a suggestion on what to write, so kudos to you KS! The rest of you are buttmunches.

I have to warn you, this is really deep. LOL. I didn't come up with it. Jim said it one day and I just looked at him and said, "What?". It sounded funny to me. Stringing all the "F's" together like that. He had a friend in the Army that was African American, and he said, "Fakin' the Funk" all the time as to mean "Trying to be cool while actually being cheesy or dorky." (That fits me, huh?) Jim later added "to Facilitate the Fraud" to mean "to cover up all the bullshit".

I have always thought that in keeping a blog, you could just be anyone you wanted to be and talk about life in exactly what manner you wanted. You know, make yourself sound so great! I thought that it would be the perfect title phrase because most blogs are full of fluff and stupid crap. (It also makes people scrunch up their face and say, "What?", which is funny.) Now, while my blog is definitely full of stupid crap, unfortunately for me, I have been known to spill my guts and am honest like an idiot. No, I don't reveal my entire life, because there are other people's feelings to consider, but I have a hard time being fake or phony. On the internet it is hard to know who a 'real' person is. But from me, what you see (or hear) is pretty much what you get.

So, no, I'm far from a gangster. (LOL, I can't believe you actually said that!) I'm just a dorky white girl who can't even be fake enough to be someone great on a blog.

It's funny to me that you think I'm mysterious. Is that the only mystery for you, or is there something else that puzzles you? I guess I should take it as a compliment, don't girls want to be mysterious? I don't even know. I think YOU are the mysterious one, KS.

Thanks for all the suggestions!

Yes, it's sarcasm.

OK, maybe I'm being a little sensitive. I am a tormented soul, though, so you have to tread lightly with me. I did nothing today. Just moped around like usual. I found another movie I am excited about. Good movies are hard to come by. Juice will especially like it. "The Strangers". Who wants to go see it with me? I'll share my popcorn with you. It's always more intense when you know it's based on a true story. Maybe I could get one of my old cop friends to find out the grisly details and find how "loosely" it is based. With Hollywood you never know. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was based on true events in Wisconsin with no chainsaw. (Ed Gein) See, this is what happens when you don't give me any ideas about what to write about.

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise!

(Yes, I am Gomer Pyle.) I actually slept. I don't believe it. I thought for sure I'd be up pacing. More interesting dreams, but I'm sure you are sick of hearing about my dreams. I don't know what to write. I'm going to think about it and come back, OK? Any ideas? Anything you want me to write about? Let me know.

Movies and other stuff.

Went to see Indiana Jones today, it was great fun! None will ever top the first one, but it was fun. They paid homage to the first movie quite a few times, which was awesome, and I love that Marion was in it. Even as old as he is, Harrison still has it. There were some serious over-the-top moments, but all-in-all I liked it. I ate way too much popcorn, though. I didn't used to like popcorn, but since they came out with all of those popcorn seasonings, I'm totally into it. While at the theater, I saw a poster for a new M. Night Shyamalan movie called "The Happening". Looks interesting.

That will probably be all the fun I will have for the rest of the weekend. I'm broke, bloated, bruised and wiped out. Woke up at 6 am this morning. It's SATURDAY. I got up and made eggs benedict because I couldn't get back to sleep. So now its nap time. This means I won't sleep tonight and most likely rant to you about it on the blog here.

Really stupid pictures of me.

It's Friday night and this is how lame I am, I am organizing all the pictures I have on my computer. I have pictures everywhere all over the place and it's driving me nuts. I came across some that just made laugh. I thought you all might get a good chuckle, too.

#1 Me getting out of my work uniform in the employee bathroom after waiting tables at Morgan's. My friend Patty thought it would be funny to hang this picture on the bulletin board in the office. It was super. Look at the dorky look on my face! At least I was tan.

#2 I was trying to get a picture of my hair highlights. This is me back in 2004 at my old job. Is it just me, or do I look freaky?

#3 Me trying on hats at a street fair. I thought the purple velvet one with the white flower looked good. Yeah.

#4 OK, first, what the hell was I thinking with the SOCKS? Let's not talk about my ass here. Just leave that alone. I was camping with a bunch of friends and Edwin is the one carrying me. And NO, he was NOT my boyfriend. Never was. Just a friend.

#5 Finally, this is me at the police academy at the shooting range. I got yelled at here for my bad form. I was really determined to be a badass, but I still run from spiders. I also got shot in the leg that day. Well, I caught a ricochet bullet. It was neat. Makes you have great faith in our law enforcement personnel and justice training centers, no? We will not discuss the spandex shorts over black tights. We will NOT.

I have lost my brain, anyone seen it?

Yesterday I suddenly got dumped on at work after a slow start to the week, and of course Thursday and Friday are the busy days this week so I can't take off early for the holiday weekend. Story of my life. I'm running around headless, not only at work, but at lunch. I hate running errands at lunch, but the highway I live off of backs up for 50 miles from people going over the pass for Memorial Day, so I need to jam straight home, or I won't get there until midnight. I don't know when I'm going to get to see Indiana Jones, perhaps a matinee tomorrow? I need to watch Louie right now and don't want to leave him for too long. He is doing better and has his appetite back.

I just finished bashing my ass. I'm serious. I took a corner too quick and clipped a desk with my hip/butt. I'm sure it will be a huge black and purple bruise and don't be surprised if I post a picture of it, because, you know, that's what I do. For your entertainment. You're welcome. Speaking of my butt, it is really getting smaller. I have had to pull my slacks up to my bra today to keep them on. Yes, I know, very sexy. Lean meat, veggies, fruit smoothies with protein powder and tons of water, plus pumping iron and boxing. Can't have loose skin! No way, no how!

Update on Louie

The vet called and said Lou-bear was doing better. They hydrated him and he hasn't lost his bloody bowels for a while. His bloodwork and other tests came back negative, so they gave him a shot of penicillin and will be sending him home with some special food and antibiotics. They still don't know exactly what's wrong, but they are hopeful it will pass. I'm breathing again. I still have the rest of my life to sort out, but I'm breathing. No more death and sickness, please. Thank you.

I need to go home and love on the little guy. I am the only one who REALLY loves him. I'm the dogmama. I think anyone else would have taken his ornery ass to the pound by now. But not me. Not me.

Not Good.

Lou is really sick. He vomited on the way to the vet and pooped blood all over the vet's floor. They don't know what is wrong and are keeping him for observation. The bill is exponentially climbing, and I don't know what they will do when I tell them I can't pay it all today. I'm fucked. In so many ways. I want to cry, and I can't because I'm at work, and I am insanely busy, of course. Then there is this. The one thing in the world I want (and need) most seems far away and out of my reach. I had therapy today and now that I've been seeing her for a while and she knows me well, she is telling me about some tough choices/actions I have to take in my life if I want to get better, or be happy, that are really hard for me. We seemed to have kicked the "I can't lose weight" problem, so I guess she knows what she is doing. I'm sorry Annie, I can't make nacho night, I'm a mess. Next week? I'm so sorry and thank you for the invite, it means a lot. If Louie dies or stays sick, I'm going to lose it. I'm just not strong anymore. To top everything off I just got into an argument with Jim. Nice. This is all just too fucking much.

They want to see Lou right away at the vet.

This is panic face.

Lou is going to the vet at 1:30. I hope my boy is OK. I love him more than I love most people. There is so much other drama right now that this is not good. Sorry I can't talk about the other stuff on my blog. The screaming girl in my "Wordless Wednesday" photo compilation is quite apropos at the moment. Keep me in your thoughts today, I have much on my mind. Life is weird and changing and I'm having trouble handling it. I need my Louie to be OK, I really, really do.

I'm crazy out-of-my-mind worried!

This has been a shit week for me personally so far, and now Louie is sick. Louie is 9 years old and he has NEVER had anything wrong with him. Last night he didn't eat, which has never happened, he usually tries to eat the bowl along with the food. So that was my first freak out. Then, I noticed him pooping a lot. He has pooped 5 times in 24 hours and there is BLOOD IN IT. The vet doesn't open for another 2 hours and I'm going nuts. I love Lou like he is my kid and I'm running low on money. Hopefully they will take payments. What is wrong with my Lou-bear? What happened to my dog?

Wordless Wednesday

I Heart Indy!

Is anyone else excited for the new Indiana Jones movie? I am. "Raiders of the Lost Ark" was my absolute FAVORITE movie as a kid. I went to the theater like, 100 times to see it. I will be in line tomorrow night, baby!

For K.S.

As a comparison. "Bertha Butt" vs. "Ayla".

Decompressing

I thought my eyeball was going to explode earlier. You know those headaches that are right behind your eye? I could barely see out of my right eye. When I get upset, I carry all of my tension in my neck and shoulders, and it KILLS and gives me a monster headache. It has settled down a bit and I'm drinking a huge glass of the best tea on the planet. Aveda tea. I'm not much of tea person, but this stuff just rocks. Drinking caffeine this late won't help my insomnia, but I guess it doesn't matter. I couldn't eat dinner with my headache, but I have no appetite either. Speaking of which, I'm dropping weight like a mo' fo'. Don't worry, though, I eat good. I guess I finally just got the right inspiration. I'm going to go draw a hot bath now. Sweet dreams y'all.

Extremely Important Information

I bought a new lipstick. I almost gave up bothering with lipstick because I end up licking it off and have to keep reapplying it every 10 minutes, but while I've got this whole 'making changes' thing going on, I thought it was important for you all to know about this event. It is called "Electric Spice". Yeah, baby. That's me. I tried very hard to capture the essence of the lipstick (it tastes good!) but no matter what I do, I look like a dork. I also look quite tired. Gah. When I look at this picture, I want to flick my nose. I'm sorry you can't see the color very well. I tried. Big Kiss!