The Best Invention Since Bacardi

The "Tide to Go" pen. That's right, people. That new little stain remover pen that, in all its glory, has become a staple for CrazyDogMama's purse. Now I can pretend I'm normal and walk around with no food stains on my boobs! It's so wonderful! I'm worried about my co-workers, though, they won't be able to make fun of me every day. Well, actually, I'm sure they'll think of something. It's certainly not that difficult.

Haunted House and Lack of Caffeine

I feel like I crawled to work this morning. I refrained from stopping by my favorite little coffee stand today because I've just been too out of control with it. (What was I thinking?) I'm having oatmeal and a protein shake instead. But I'm dying from no caffeine. My weekend ending up being way busier than I thought it was going to be, so I am a total zombie this morning. I didn't get a damn thing done I wanted to get done, and its leg/back day today at the gym. That means squats, lunges and dead lifts. I'm a little whiny about that, but what's new.

Jim took Billy to a haunted house this weekend, and I so wish I could have been there to see those two scream like girls. (I was having a girl's night out.) Anyway, the house apparently had different rooms with different movie themes. One room was "The Exorcism of Emily Rose", one room was the little girl from "Poltergeist" touching a TV, one room was a mad doctor cutting some woman to pieces, one room was from "Saw" with two men chained up next to a dead body, and finally there was an actual well that had the girl from "The Ring" crawling out of it. All through the house people were grabbing at them and some guy was running around with a chainsaw. What fun I missed!

I'm sorry, but it was funny.

Oh. My. God. Did anyone see the new episode of Southpark last night? I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. I suppose it really isn't funny, but yet it was.

Dude standing on top of his house in the flood:
"Hellooo? Anybody? We would like to be rescued now, please. Any day now."

Jim and I must have rewound the TiVo like, 50 times. Then, the end. That's when I spewed Pepsi out of my nose. I know, I'm probably going to hell.

Wilma, Surface, and the Shambles That is My Kitchen

First things first. I read this morning that Hurricane Wilma is not only close to breaking records because we are on "W" in the alphabet already and hurricane season isn't even over yet, but it is actually the strongest hurricane on record now with sustaining winds at 175mph, AND it went from 75mph winds to 175mph winds OVERNIGHT. What do you bet they will end up having to reclassify this at a Category 6 hurricane soon?

Surface. Why do I like that sappy-ass show? I was so excited when little Nimrod tapped on Miles' bedroom window, then crawled in bed with him. What I wouldn't give to have a little sea monster crawl in bed with me.

And finally, my poor kitchen. Last night, hubby and I decided that we wanted Thanksgiving food. We realize we will be making all of it again in a month, but we wanted it now. So, we made it. Every single dish I own is somewhere dirty in the kitchen. On the stove, in the sink (stacked ever-so-carefully, mind you) on the table, EVERYWHERE. Burnt marshmallow dishes. Gravy spills. Little fragments of stuffing everywhere. I am not sure when we will be cleaning it up. Maybe never. Maybe we will buy new dishes. It is so utterly disgusting. But it was mighty tasty.

MEH.

I am just not happy today. We took poor Magadog into the vet last night, and what do you know? She has "Dry Eye", and some sort of major infection. $365 later, I'm in a pissy mood. The poor little thing is just having one issue after the other and I'm going bankrupt. I woke up so tired and depressed. Other than the vet trip, I'm not really sure why. I think I need a vacation or something. I haven't spoken to anyone yet today (physically), it's been more like, "Hello internet, how are you?"

Its dark and dreary outside, usually the kind of day I like, but not today. We aren't even having a Halloween party this year because it's on a Monday, and everyone seems busy the weekend before. No haunted garage this year. I just want to go home and sleep. I think maybe I will.

Krusty McEyeballs & Technotronic

Monday morning, time to update my iPod for the work week. I have added the song "Tough" from "Technotronic". Don't laugh now, save it for when I tell you I used to teach aerobics in college, and I used this song. For those of you have good musical taste and don't know what the hell I'm talking about, that song is from the "Pump up the Jam" album. Remember that song? Yeah. I'm also fighting with my iPod because iTunes isn't doing what it is supposed to do. I have ZERO patience, and my coworkers are staying clear until I figure it out. (We all share our music and I'm nervous because I also uploaded an "Eminem" song and AC/DC's "Dirty Deeds".)

I'm also taking Mags to the vet AGAIN today. Criminy. That dog is such a problem child. Her little eyeballs are all crusty and goopy. We have been calling her Krusty McEyeballs. No wonder I never have any money.

The CrazyDogMama Combo

I have often wondered if my favorite pizza joint would add my pizza combo to their menu. It IS a small town. "The CrazyDogMama Combo" would include pepperoni, green pepper, jalapeño and pineapple; as-is, no substitutions. (Yes, pineapple, shut UP.) It is just like me, sweet and spicy. Ha! That way, I could just call up and say, "Could I get the CrazyDogMama Combo delivered please?" It would save so much time. My husband likes regular combos, like pepperoni, sausage, mushroom and olive. Bah! The up side is I always have a whole pizza to myself.

With the exception of his bad taste in pizza, my husband is the SHIT. This morning as I was leaving the house, he handed me a CD that he made for me. (Aww.) The cool thing about it is, the first song on it was "Eve of Destruction" by Barry McGuire. HOW SO VERY APPROPRIATE FOR ME! Other songs included "The Road to Hell" by Chris Rea, "Everybody Knows" by Leonard Cohen and "Song to the Siren" by "This Mortal Coil". It is *so sweet* how my husband has embraced my insanity.

They're coming to get me.

Last night my husband and I were having a cigarette in the garage when we hear a very low flying helicopter. We didn't think too much of it at first since we live right next to a small airfield, but then we heard it again. We peaked our heads outside and lo and behold, there was a black helicopter hovering and circling our little housing development. Again, and again, and again. We saw other neighbors poke their heads out, too.

Now, you must understand, the conspiracy theorist in me was totally going bananas at this point. I couldn't find anything about it coming off the internet wire, and Jim wouldn't let me call anyone to find out what it was. We figured there wasn't a looney on the loose because the helicopter wasn't shining any lights around or anything. I still have no idea what the hell, and it is BUGGING. THE. SHIT. OUT. OF. ME. There is probably some rational explanation, but those are always famous last words, right?

New Phrases

Upon reading Diablo Cody's new post at "The Pussy Ranch", I have discovered some rather distasteful phrases THAT. I. LOVE. and here they are:

"...a vile whore who'd emerged from Satan's colon."

"...big sweater muffins." (Referring here to big boobs.)

ROFLMAO!

Bark-Fest 2005

At approximately 5 am this morning, all hell broke loose. Maggie sleeps with me every night, all cuddled up next to my butt, and the first time my alarm goes off, she barely lifts her head because she knows I will be hitting the snooze about 16 more times before I haul my ass out of bed. Louie was banned from the bed a few months ago because he likes to pee and act like a jerk if you so much as get a toe near him when he is sleeping. Well, the idiot that I am, decided to slowly give Louie back his bedroom privileges because I missed his furry little butt. It was working out OK until this morning.

For some reason, when my alarm went off the first time, Louie completely lost his mind. He jumped straight up, barked his head off, and when I rolled over to bash the snooze button, he leaped off the bed and started barking LOUDER, which in turn sent Maggie into a tizzy. I screamed for them to shut up about 400 times to no avail. It was like they were barking at each other to shut up. They WOULD NOT STOP. 20 minutes went by, and they were still barking as if someone was in the house trying to kill us. (Although they probably wouldn't bark for THAT.) I gave up and put the covers over my head. I forgot about my husband who had fallen asleep in his recliner in the front room.

All of a sudden, my bedroom door FLEW open, and the wrath of Jim began. First, he yelled at the dogs and sent them to their crates. When daddy speaks, everyone listens. I actually wanted to go into a crate. THEN, he yelled at me and wanted to know why I was letting them bark. Peeking my head out from under the warm covers, I managed a very innocent "I tried but they wouldn't stop". I knew it was lame. Jim retorted with "WHY DIDN'T YOU GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP AND PUT THEM IN THEIR CRATES?" Silence. Then I said, "because it is too cold". I could feel his eyes on me boring through me like laser beams. "Sorry." I'm thinking maybe I'll make him a nice dinner tonight so that he won't divorce me or barbecue the dogs.

Believe me yet?

Sumatra earthquake killing 250,000 people, Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Rita, Pakistan earthquake, bird flu epidemic preparation, the "Ramadan Offensive" terrorist threat. (Ramadan is Oct 4th through Nov. 2) I don't know about you, but when I was growing up, the news just wasn't this scary, you know?

I'm all upset.

I just checked my "who links to me" statistics and a bunch of you who used to link me are not anymore and I'm all upset and wondering why. Now, the optimistic side of me is thinking that some people must have a bandwidth problem, or whatever you call it, and they have to minimize their links and it's not personal. However, the realistic and very cynical side of me is thinking, "They hate me, I use the word "motherfucker" too often, I'm boring, I scare people with my earthquake rambles and I have to quit this blogging thing because it is upsetting my self-esteem."

Ok, maybe that is the psychopathic, need-to-take-your-meds-now side of me, but still. IT COULD BE TRUE. The weird thing is, I have received no hate-mail recently and my stats for # of visits is on the increase. Maybe I'm overreacting. Nah. I never do that. Hey, do me a favor. Link to www.crazydogmama.blogspot.com so that I can report to my therapist that all is well.

Why I am a piss crank today.

1. The doggie urine cleaner I bought yesterday for 8 bucks exploded in my new SUV.
2. I was charged for 2 cases of Diet Coke at Costco instead of 1 (losing another 8 bucks), and there is not a FUCKING THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.
3. My hair is all twirly and out of control.
4. I spilled olive oil on my shirt and can't get it out, and I'm walking around the office today looking like I'm lactating.
5. It's only Wednesday.
6. I'm not sick, but I am choking on my snot, nonetheless.
7. I'm sweating even though it is 50 degrees out today.
8. My socks don't match.
9. My pants are too long.
10. I'm broke until the 14th.

New reasons to lay on the couch.

"Surface", "Invasion", "Supernatural", "Threshold", "My Name is Earl" and "The Ghostwhisperer". CrazyDogMama is in DVR heaven. I *really* like Surface and Invasion. You see, this is a big deal because I rarely watch regular TV. Usually, you find me on the internet with my eyes glazed over or sleeping. I HATE, let me repeat H-A-T-E reality shows, although I've been known to watch "The Biggest Loser" on occasion. I tend to fast forward through most of the competition stuff and the whining & complaining, though. I just don't give a shit if they get to talk to their family or if they are having a mental breakdown. Suzy downing the 48 milkshakes was cool, however, I totally wanted to hi-five her.

Can anyone say sugar high?

The following is what has been sucked into my face today, much like the scene in "Poltergeist" where the big "throat" is sucking everything into it from the bedroom:

1. Huge triple-shot iced mocha with whip. Not nonfat. (Caffeine IS a food group, you know.)
2. Powdered donut with raspberry filling. (Fruit!)
3. Large glass of milk (Protein!)
4. Huge piece of birthday cake. (Not my birthday, but I'm chalking this up to a carb serving.)

It is only 11 am. Time for lunch!

I will be severely crashing around 2 pm. I am not putting my food into "Fitday" today. We're just going to pretend this day never happened, K?

TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER

Hurricane Rita

Pray for Texas and Louisiana, people. This isn't looking good. 170 mph winds? Yikes! Has anyone spoken to Yogagirl? I think she is in Houston or somewhere close to it but is on vacation right now. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I don't know about the rest of you. Divaquest, you alright? You are all on my mind. I love my peeps!

Absent

I've been absent because Maggie's ass exploded, and I fell off a ladder and smashed my head on the coffee table. No shit, people.

Last week, my poor little Magadog was sliding her butt on the floor, so I knew it was time to express her anal glands. So, I picked her up and went to do just that. What I didn't know was that she had an infection and when I went to squeeze her ass, it burst. In the wrong spot. I was totally freaked and started yelling and crying, and Jim started yelling, "What did you do to the DOG?" (Which did not help.)  There was blood and panicking by the humans and an actual look of relief on Maggie's face. After a nice trip to the vet with penicillin shots, antibiotics and a trendy little cone for Maggie's head, I finally relaxed. I felt really guilty, though, even after the vet assured me that I was just trying to help her. I have convinced myself that I am the "WorstDogmamaEver". I did receive my punishment, however.

After much warning from my husband to stay off of the ladder due to my extreme clumsiness and lack of balance, I did it anyway and fell backward and smacked my head on the coffee table. Ow. It hurt like a motherfucker, and I'm surprised I'm alive. That is all I have to say about that. I do have some cute pictures of Maggie in her cone. (I call her "Funnel Face".)  I will post those soon.

The Best Reason for Getting Hardwood Floors

FYI: BOOM! = Doggy Face-Plant

Once we (and by "we" I mean Jim) finished the installation of the hardwood floor in the kitchen, the best part was not to enjoy the prettiness of our new floor, but to watch the dogs get used to it. We let the dogs out of the crates once done, and I really didn't need to turn on the TV at all that night. Maggie came racing into the kitchen and BOOM! Then Louie, BOOM! Then, slide and BOOM! After going potty in the rain: Clickity, clickity, BOOM! Slide, BOOM! Make the dogs do tricks for treats: Sit up, fall backwards, BOOM! Clickity-clackity, BOOM! (Complete with hysterical, evil laughter from humans.) Startle the dogs on purpose: Clickity-clackity, slide, BOOM! This is true revenge for all the pooping and peeing on my floor, you little fuckers!

This is not good.

I had a dream last night about finding skulls and bones of humans buried in someone's backyard. (Not mine.) I was of course freaked out about having this kind of dream and had to go to "dreammoods.com" to find out what it means. Here is the verdict:

Skull: To see a skull in your dream, symbolizes danger, evil and death. Alternatively, it represents the secrets of the mind. You may be keeping things hidden.

I'm thinking that maybe I watch too many horror movies. By the way, I really liked "The Exorcism of Emily Rose". Went to see it Friday night. It was a court room drama with flash backs. I thought it was well done, intelligent and thought-provoking. There were only a few disturbing images, which was nothing for me, not at all like the original "Exorcist". I like to follow real-life stories about these kinds of things, so I was giddy about doing research. The girl's real name is Anneliese Michel. Freaky little story.