I'm all upset.

I just checked my "who links to me" statistics and a bunch of you who used to link me are not anymore and I'm all upset and wondering why. Now, the optimistic side of me is thinking that some people must have a bandwidth problem, or whatever you call it, and they have to minimize their links and it's not personal. However, the realistic and very cynical side of me is thinking, "They hate me, I use the word "motherfucker" too often, I'm boring, I scare people with my earthquake rambles and I have to quit this blogging thing because it is upsetting my self-esteem."

Ok, maybe that is the psychopathic, need-to-take-your-meds-now side of me, but still. IT COULD BE TRUE. The weird thing is, I have received no hate-mail recently and my stats for # of visits is on the increase. Maybe I'm overreacting. Nah. I never do that. Hey, do me a favor. Link to www.crazydogmama.blogspot.com so that I can report to my therapist that all is well.

Why I am a piss crank today.

1. The doggie urine cleaner I bought yesterday for 8 bucks exploded in my new SUV.
2. I was charged for 2 cases of Diet Coke at Costco instead of 1 (losing another 8 bucks), and there is not a FUCKING THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.
3. My hair is all twirly and out of control.
4. I spilled olive oil on my shirt and can't get it out, and I'm walking around the office today looking like I'm lactating.
5. It's only Wednesday.
6. I'm not sick, but I am choking on my snot, nonetheless.
7. I'm sweating even though it is 50 degrees out today.
8. My socks don't match.
9. My pants are too long.
10. I'm broke until the 14th.

New reasons to lay on the couch.

"Surface", "Invasion", "Supernatural", "Threshold", "My Name is Earl" and "The Ghostwhisperer". CrazyDogMama is in DVR heaven. I *really* like Surface and Invasion. You see, this is a big deal because I rarely watch regular TV. Usually, you find me on the internet with my eyes glazed over or sleeping. I HATE, let me repeat H-A-T-E reality shows, although I've been known to watch "The Biggest Loser" on occasion. I tend to fast forward through most of the competition stuff and the whining & complaining, though. I just don't give a shit if they get to talk to their family or if they are having a mental breakdown. Suzy downing the 48 milkshakes was cool, however, I totally wanted to hi-five her.

Can anyone say sugar high?

The following is what has been sucked into my face today, much like the scene in "Poltergeist" where the big "throat" is sucking everything into it from the bedroom:

1. Huge triple-shot iced mocha with whip. Not nonfat. (Caffeine IS a food group, you know.)
2. Powdered donut with raspberry filling. (Fruit!)
3. Large glass of milk (Protein!)
4. Huge piece of birthday cake. (Not my birthday, but I'm chalking this up to a carb serving.)

It is only 11 am. Time for lunch!

I will be severely crashing around 2 pm. I am not putting my food into "Fitday" today. We're just going to pretend this day never happened, K?

TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER

Hurricane Rita

Pray for Texas and Louisiana, people. This isn't looking good. 170 mph winds? Yikes! Has anyone spoken to Yogagirl? I think she is in Houston or somewhere close to it but is on vacation right now. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I don't know about the rest of you. Divaquest, you alright? You are all on my mind. I love my peeps!

Absent

I've been absent because Maggie's ass exploded, and I fell off a ladder and smashed my head on the coffee table. No shit, people.

Last week, my poor little Magadog was sliding her butt on the floor, so I knew it was time to express her anal glands. So, I picked her up and went to do just that. What I didn't know was that she had an infection and when I went to squeeze her ass, it burst. In the wrong spot. I was totally freaked and started yelling and crying, and Jim started yelling, "What did you do to the DOG?" (Which did not help.)  There was blood and panicking by the humans and an actual look of relief on Maggie's face. After a nice trip to the vet with penicillin shots, antibiotics and a trendy little cone for Maggie's head, I finally relaxed. I felt really guilty, though, even after the vet assured me that I was just trying to help her. I have convinced myself that I am the "WorstDogmamaEver". I did receive my punishment, however.

After much warning from my husband to stay off of the ladder due to my extreme clumsiness and lack of balance, I did it anyway and fell backward and smacked my head on the coffee table. Ow. It hurt like a motherfucker, and I'm surprised I'm alive. That is all I have to say about that. I do have some cute pictures of Maggie in her cone. (I call her "Funnel Face".)  I will post those soon.

The Best Reason for Getting Hardwood Floors

FYI: BOOM! = Doggy Face-Plant

Once we (and by "we" I mean Jim) finished the installation of the hardwood floor in the kitchen, the best part was not to enjoy the prettiness of our new floor, but to watch the dogs get used to it. We let the dogs out of the crates once done, and I really didn't need to turn on the TV at all that night. Maggie came racing into the kitchen and BOOM! Then Louie, BOOM! Then, slide and BOOM! After going potty in the rain: Clickity, clickity, BOOM! Slide, BOOM! Make the dogs do tricks for treats: Sit up, fall backwards, BOOM! Clickity-clackity, BOOM! (Complete with hysterical, evil laughter from humans.) Startle the dogs on purpose: Clickity-clackity, slide, BOOM! This is true revenge for all the pooping and peeing on my floor, you little fuckers!

This is not good.

I had a dream last night about finding skulls and bones of humans buried in someone's backyard. (Not mine.) I was of course freaked out about having this kind of dream and had to go to "dreammoods.com" to find out what it means. Here is the verdict:

Skull: To see a skull in your dream, symbolizes danger, evil and death. Alternatively, it represents the secrets of the mind. You may be keeping things hidden.

I'm thinking that maybe I watch too many horror movies. By the way, I really liked "The Exorcism of Emily Rose". Went to see it Friday night. It was a court room drama with flash backs. I thought it was well done, intelligent and thought-provoking. There were only a few disturbing images, which was nothing for me, not at all like the original "Exorcist". I like to follow real-life stories about these kinds of things, so I was giddy about doing research. The girl's real name is Anneliese Michel. Freaky little story.

Race Day

We went to what is called "Race Day" last Saturday. It is a bunch of Cairn Terrier owners in the Pacific Northwest who get together and "race" their doggies and other fun stuff like bobbing for hot dog pieces. It was a 2.5-hour road trip, and a confirmation that my dogs are truly retarded. Here is the photographic evidence:

#1, #2 Four dogs get stuffed into the boxes shown (like racehorses), then pelts are dangled in front of the little windows in the boxes, then the door is lifted up, and you watch the dogs chase the pelts that are being reeled with a fishing pole toward the finish line. That is the way it is SUPPOSED to work. What you see here is Louie, finally coming out of his box after the race is over. When the doors were lifted, the other 3 dogs burst from their boxes and took off running, but from box #2, there was just a big fat LOU-ASS sticking out. That's right, my dog was turned around BACKWARDS. I was laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe. When he finally figured out that the box was open, he turned around and trotted out with a "Hey, what's happening?" look on his clueless doggie face. He may as well have just taken a dump. Maggie, who is not as retarded, ran her way to second place. She is the one on the far right. What makes her semi-retarded is her sharp right turn at the finish line into the net. In full run.

#3 I thought for sure we'd clean-up in the hot dog contest since they usually suck the ceramic off their bowls every night trying to get the last crumb of kibble. Nope. My dogs apparently just like the taste of hot dog-flavored water. Couldn't get them to dunk their face under the water to get the hot dog piece. Sigh.

#4 Stick a fork in Louie, he's done.

#5 Oh, and for extra fun, we put in laminate flooring this weekend. See how pretty?

My awesome work, and the awful world.

My work gave us all iPods today! I don't have one, and been wanting one bad, so I am over the moon thrilled! We just hit a milestone, and instead of a t-shirt or a hat they gave us technology. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?

On the downside, I was very depressed watching the news last night. I can't imagine what it is like to be out of home, a job and to wonder if my friends and family are alive while watching my hometown be destroyed. I feel a little guilty opening my iPod box while I see people standing on top of their houses clutching their dogs for dear life. I think we should all do our part to help, I'm researching ways now. It could be us some day. As most of my readers know, I am not much of an optimist when it comes to the planetary changes we are starting to see. The West Coast needs to prepare for earthquakes and volcanic chaos, those on the East Coast more hurricanes, those in the middle, tornados, and for all of us, terrorism. I think it is just a matter of time before we see nuclear activity. I don't like this prognosis, mind you, not one bit, it's just that I have a bad feeling. I have had this feeling since 2003. A sense of urgency is the best way to describe it. Pray, people, pray. If you don't pray, START.

Who's the Boss?

Conversation between Jim and I last night:

Jim: "I'm going to have to kick your ass."

Me: "Yeah, like you could kick my ass."

Jim: "Stop trying to be Jane Wayne."

Me: "Then stop telling me you are going to kick my ass."

Jim: "Then stop yelling at me."

Me: "Then stop mumbling."

Jim: shakes head and walks away.

Ding! I win!

It's Time.

My dears, the time has come for me to stop with the iced mochas, the bread, the cheese and the TEN THOUSAND TORTILLAS I have been eating per week on my Mexican food binge. It's time to go back to six meals per day of lean meat, veggies and fruit with only water and black coffee to drink. It is also time to get my butt back to the gym 6 days a week instead 2 here, 1 there. I don't know why it has to be so damn difficult. But then again if it were easy, we would all have 6-pack abs. Anyway, wish me luck, I tend to get all crabby and whiny the first few weeks back on the program.

What's on my iPod.

CrazyDogMama's "Magamix" (Maggie, Magadog, Magamix, get it?)

1. Take it Easy - Eagles
2. Calling All Angels - Train
3. Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy - Big & Rich
4. Vertigo - U2
5. The Joker - Steve Miller
6. Crazy Love - Van Morrison
7. I Wanna Do it All - Teri Clark
8. We Are Family - Sister Sledge
9. When Love Comes to Town - U2
10. At Last - Etta James
11. Crazy - Seal
12. The Reason - Hoobastank
13. Orange Crush - R.E.M.
14. Losing Grip - Avril Lavigne
15. Its a Sin - Pet Shop Boys
16. Baker Street - Gerry Rafferty
17. Let Your Love Flow - Bellamy Brothers
18. Friends in Low Places - Garth Brookes

How is THAT for eclectic?

One ear up, one ear down.

Louie is very expressive with his ears. I wonder what 'one ear up, one ear down' means.

Memory Lane

Here I am circa 1990 or so, on a steady diet of "Munch 'ems", beer and cigarettes. I also look very confused. Gee, what a surprise.

Ezmerelda

Finally! A pic of Ezmerelda (my SUV)! I loves her, she's pretty and has a butt-warmer.

Brain Food

See, I told you ice cream was good for you!

My Precious

The company that is slowly conning me out of my retirement.

Fajitas!

Lunch! MMM, fajitas.