Alone in the Dark

The Fuse & Wicked Game

"The Fuse" by Bruce Springsteen is a great song. Sexy and sultry with interesting lyrics. I love how expressive some music is when it can really strike an emotion or put into words how you are feeling or want to feel. What would we do without music?

Then there is "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak. Talk about mood music. I know I've talked about it before, but this song does something to me. It really does.

What should I have for dinner?

What are you having for dinner? I could make something, but what? I haven't been eating at home very much. What sounds good? If you could have ANYTHING to eat right now, what would you want? Leave a comment, I'd like to know!

Done.

I am basically done with all my Christmas shopping. It is December 7th. Is that not awesome? It's a little sad in a way, but now I can relax. I'm usually the one scrambling at the last minute. All I have left to do is some stocking stuffers and then wrapping. Wrapping sucks. I hate wrapping. Wrapping hates me, too. I'm very impatient when I know it's just going to be ripped open; kind of like making a bed. What's the point? Bags. Decorative bags are the way to go. OK I got off on a rant, sorry about that.

Church Dinner

OK, my friend Jenny made me go out. She took me to a fancy banquet dinner at her church and then we went to her house, and she taught me how to make double chocolate "dream" pie. MMM. We had fun. I'm pooped. I'm doing my best to snap out of my mood. The pictures are as follows: curling my hair for the night out, my dinner at the banquet, and the ooey gooey pie we made. Once it sets, you put sliced strawberries on it.

Dark Place

I'm in trouble. I feel myself going into my dark place. I'm fighting it.

I'm hiding in bed.

My nice cozy comfy bed. One week down at the new job and I'm rockin' the town here on Friday night. Anything you want me to write about? I have blogger's block again.

Hi.

Did curly hair today because I was lazy. I don't know what to say anymore. I noticed my new laptop has a built-in webcam. HA! That would be SCARY, huh?

My disinterest in food is over.

WAY over. I'm STARVING. I have a meeting to go to, and my stomach is going to rumble the whole time, I know it. Lunch time is lonely. I miss my friends. I did meet a new friend yesterday (at work), but I don't know if we are at the "go out to lunch" stage yet. Sigh. Maybe I'll blog during lunch. About stupid stuff. Because my life is stupid. And boring.

Dream of a better future.

I hate phone arguing, don't you? Anyway, I'm trying to relax and dream of a better future, even if it's a pipe dream. I'm listening to my sexy new "Jazz from the Wine Bar" CD and having a nice glass of wine. I tried to get Lou-dog to dance with me, but he's a terrible lead. Maggie is just laying on her pillow looking at us like we're nuts. Which we are. Hope you are all having a nice evening.

Why We Suck

A couple of things here. It took me 8 hours to nurse an eggnog latte. I KNOW! Maybe aliens abducted me and did something to me when I wasn't paying attention?

Then there's Denis Leary's new book, "Why We Suck", a title he stole from me. I love Denis Leary. I am meandering about in Costco, my favorite place to shop and hang out.

Why do we suck? Because we are fallen creatures who wander around confused and lost. I think I need to get a Costco hot dog now.

Calmer?

OK I'm a little calmer this morning except for parking issues. Sorry, I just need to vent once in a while because my patience is not what it used to be, especially on certain issues. When stupid things keep rearing their ugly heads and prevent progress on other things it frustrates me to no end. But enough of that. A new day, an eggnog latte.

I hope I'm doing good at my new job. It's hard to know sometimes. But whatever. I'm not sure anything matters right now anyway.

Anywhere but here.

Crap on a cracker. I just got into a huge firefight with someone over something I am sick of trying to resolve. I just want it to be done already. Never to be dealt with again. I am so tired of it. I'm sorry I can't get into details because it is a private matter that concerns other people, but I've had it. I'm fed up and tired. I really need my old company to sell so I'll have enough money (stocks) to get the hell out of here. I don't even CARE where it is I go anymore. Anywhere but here. I'm so damn angry right now I can barely type. Please don't ask me about it, I don't want to talk about it. I just wanted to vent the only way I have to vent.

For me, words are a form of action, capable of influencing change.

Well, what would a morning post be without my big mug on it? That is my lovely office view, and also how very thrilled I am today. I'm trying to think of something to look forward to. ANYTHING. I've lost my appetite and all interest in food completely the last couple of days. Something is VERY, VERY wrong. SCARY wrong.

I'm a bit distracted because my mind is wandering onto things better left to myself, but sometimes thinking of certain things can put a smile on my face, and other times thinking of the very same thing can bring me to tears. Isn't that strange?

I'll leave you with these.

"The best way to live is by not knowing what will happen to you at the end of the day.". -Donald Barthelme

"For me, words are a form of action, capable of influencing change.". -Ingrid Bengis

Blackberry Storm

NEED. NOW. The new Blackberry Storm.

Parking Ticket

I'm restless, and torqued.

I got a mother-effing parking ticket. My wheel was like ONE inch into the yellow. Piss poor. I've got money falling out of my butt, too, so this was perfect.

I can't think of anything to eat, so screw it, I won't eat at all.

I used to love the holidays, now I'm just sad.

Aren't you glad you read my blog tonight? I'm sure I made you feel all warm inside.

Ulcer

Traffic gives me an ulcer.

My new hours.

It is entirely too early to be driving to work. My new hours are going to take some getting used to. It's the kind of early where I have to wonder if I'm wearing underwear & matching socks. Where's the coffee?

Almost bliss.

Big Bang Theory, Peppermint Crunch Junior Mints, and the realest (yes, realest) smelling Christmas candle ever made. Almost bliss, except for the fact that Louie is rubbing his butt on the floor. STOP. IT.

I have a window!

All in all, it was a pretty nice day. They are very casual and laid back here, and I even had a good laugh. I am very excited that I not only have a window (I've never had a window), but I can OPEN the window! How fun is that? It's the little things. A big breeze came in today, though, and blew everything off my desk. LOL.  I'll have to watch that.

The work is going to be a cakewalk, I just have to figure out what the people want. That's always harder than the paperwork details. I'm used to much more complicated systems, so I have to tone it down a bit and keep it simple. Anyway, I'm pooped and it's time to plant my ass on the couch and feed my pie hole. Did I mention that I have a WINDOW? LOL.

The New Contract Job

So far so good. Here is my new home, and me taking office pictures ALREADY. Lots of reading today and learning new systems. Exciting stuff. Do you see the window? I'm not in a windowless cubical anymore! I can see the outside! I am so excited! Everyone has been very welcoming and accommodating. I think I will fit in here just fine.

Here I go!

Let's hope I'm not late for my first day, I have a long commute. In the dark. Send me smart vibes. (So, I don't do anything stupid.) I am nervous and jittery; it's been a long time since I've had to do this. I'm so grateful I was able to score a job right away, but I hope I made the right decision, you know?

Alone

I'm feeling alone and anxious right now. What are y'all doing on this fine Sunday night? Talk to me.

Paintings and Guns

I bought a painting print from a friend online, and had it matted and framed. I think it turned out really nice.

Also, just making sure I'm protected and ready for home defense. A girl can't be too careful these days with all the crazies out there and what's going on in the world. Not to mention how far out I live. One must have a clean and well-maintained weapon. FYI, I'm probably not the house you want to break into, or the girl you want to mug. You see, my definition of "gun control" is using both hands. I'm a pretty good shot, too.

I start my new job tomorrow.

Here are all the thoughts/emotions I am having about it:

1. I'm nervous.
2. I don't wanna. I've decided working is BS.
3. I have to prove myself all over again and quite frankly I'm tired.
4. I hope all the people are cool, I am less patient in my old age.
5. I wonder if I'm up for any more challenges.
6. I'm feeling shy and introverted right now.
7. I'm still wondering about my future and how long it will be before things change even more. I feel it coming, I'm still in sort of a limbo stage.
8. I miss some of my old co-worker friends and fear I won't have as much daily freedom.
9. I know it will be lonely for a while until I make new friends, which is hard when you are feeling tired and introverted.
10. Shit, I have to go back to work.

I should be feeling excited and blessed and that there are all these new opportunities, but it's not happening at the moment. Maybe it will change. My mom's friend Cathy perfectly defined when a woman says she's FINE:

Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional

So, I guess I'm fine. ;-)

Good Signs

Going Out

Guess who's going out for dinner? *Wink*

The newest saga with the dog bed.

So last night as I was preparing for bed, Louie got in his little bed and PISSED IN IT. Then he went under my vanity table and curled up and went to sleep. He wouldn't go back in his bed of course because it was wet with piss. He was marking it obviously, so Maggie wouldn't get in it, but will he ever use it again? Because I can't take it back now! Damn dog. Does this happen to anyone else, or just me? I am so not the dog whisperer. I'm more like the dog screamer.

On the Couch

Me and the puppies have been curled up on the couch watching movies. I watched "Hancock". It got bad reviews, but I liked it. I just saw the preview to "Seven Pounds", and it looks REALLY good. I will be going to the theatre to see that one. It looks like a tearjerker, so I won't be wearing any mascara or eyeliner to the movie. I cry at pretty much everything lately, I swear. Don't know what that is about. What a sappy wuss I've turned out to be.

I got a new bed set (badly needed!) as an early Christmas gift. It's RED! (I know, big surprise.) When my mom and I were out shopping I decided to get it and she helped. It is gorgeous! Comfy too! I'll take a pic of it once I clean up my bedroom. Good God it is a mess! With all the traveling and job craziness, I have slacked off on cleaning. Which drives me nuts, but one thing at a time. I want to paint in there too, and I got some new bathroom fixtures because my house is falling apart. Whether I stay or go, these are good improvements.

The story of the dog bed.

I buy a 35 fucking dollar dog bed and the first night I have it, the damn dog won't go near it. I try to coax him in it, and he whines and puts his ears back like I'm beating him. Then, I try to pick him up and put him in it and he screams bloody murder, wiggles and jumps out of arms. OK, fine. I wake up 2 hours later, and he's laying NEXT TO IT. Yup, my retarded dog.

Then when I woke up this morning, he was all curled up in a little ball in it. He just needed to do it in his OWN TIME. How cute is that?

I only cried once.

Had a nice quiet Thanksgiving with family. Full. Tired. I only cried once. My tummy was a little upset, so I didn't really eat much. Now I'm going to watch a movie, I think. My posts are getting lamer and lamer. I'll try to think of something more exciting a little later, K? FYI, I am all bummed because "True Blood" had its season finale last Sunday and I have to wait until next Summer for the next season! I HATE the way they do seasons now! However, in January, Jack's back! ("24") and also "LOST". So that helps.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone who celebrates it.

I miss you, Dad. A lot.

I'm freezing.

I'm laying in bed, and I'm freezing. How is that possible when you are all bundled up?

Naked Tanning

I could so get used to not working, I'm loving this do whatever I want, whenever I want thing, like for instance I'm going naked tanning right now in the middle of the day. I think I would run out of money quickly, though.

Dog Bed & Quaint Lunch

Since Lou can't sleep on the bed anymore, I got him this ADORABLE little cheetah bed! Also, my mom and I went to lunch, and I had hot cider, and a soup & sandwich at this quaint little house-like restaurant. What an awesome day.

I am festive today!

Green shirt, red sweater coat. It is a balmy 33 degrees out today. I have a new pose, did you notice? I need a hobby. Going to do a little Christmas shopping, although my list of people to shop for is dwindling. But I'm not talking about that. Festive, I need to be festive.

They just don't understand posing!

Me and the pups playing. As you can see it is difficult to play with dogs and take your own pics.

Pink Stuff

New pink sweater, and new pink earrings. (From Disneyland!)

One of the worst migraines of my life.

I have been writhing in pain for the last 10 or so hours with the worst migraine I have EVER had. It made me sick; I couldn't see, and I wanted to DIE. It still feels like someone hit me in the head with a baseball bat, although I feel better. There is no relief when you have a migraine, it is just constant pain. It really sucks. The only pain more severe that I've experienced is kidney stones. If the hospital that is covered under my insurance wasn't an hour and a half away, I would have gone to emergency. Seriously.

Beautiful Words

I copied this from Yogagirl's blog because it made me weepy. It is beautiful. I read these words to myself and there are also others out there whom I think should take these words to heart. I know of someone who it might speak to. Life is so very precious and I've learned that I have wasted entirely too much of it.

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
And if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool, for love, for your dream
For the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
If you have been opened by life's betrayals
Or have become shriveled and closed
From fear of further pain.
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own
Without moving to hide it, or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own
If you can dance with wildness
And let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
Without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic
To remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true
I want to know if you can
Disappoint another to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty
Even when it is not pretty, every day.
And if you can source your own life from its presence
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine
And still stand at the edge of the lake
And shout to the silver of the full moon, "YES".
It doesn't interest me
To know where you live or how much money you have
I want to know if you can get up
After the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone
And do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
In the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied
I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Vet Visit

OK, I'm feeling less sad and pathetic. I went for another vet visit today and Louie was better. They think he may have just tweaked his back. I still can't let him jump, but the bloodwork did not indicate a more serious condition. THANK YOU, GOD. I have to have my Lou-Bear healthy. Too many bad things have happened in the last year for my poor little heart to take anymore right now.

It is weird not working. Last week just felt like vacation, but now I feel anxious. I start my new job next week, and that will be weird too. Lots of change. I feel unusually wiped out today, and I don't really know what to do with myself. I'm kind of wandering around the house. Maybe I'll take a bubble bath and listen to music or something.

Placing Deficits?

I'm sad today. I don't want to get out of bed. The vet told me Louie has "Placing Deficits" in his hindquarters and he can no longer "jump" or go up and down stairs. He can no longer be in the bed because of the height, and that it could be the start of a serious condition. I can't take any more heartache. I just can't.

My Lou

Lou-dog just wants to go to bed, like his Mama.

Bad Things

If you want to know what I'm doing at 3 am, I'm listening to Jace Everett's "Bad Things", and singing along. What do YOU do at 3 am?

Cheryl Sandwich

The "Cheryl" Sandwich: (How I got Jim to marry me.) Fresh warm French bread loaf, deli style roasted chipotle sauce, Inglehoffer creamy horseradish, Alouette garlic and herb havarti cheese spread, green pepper, pepperoncini, tomato, prime deli roast beef, peppered salami, balsamic vinegar, extra virgin olive oil, pepper jack cheese, black ground pepper, lettuce, red onion, and Emeril's Original Essence.

This huge sandwich is great for potlucks and picnics, or you can slice it up and get several meals out it. This is what I did tonight, splitting it into 3 parts. For dessert? The best spiked eggnog on the planet! It has rum, brandy and blended whiskey already in it! Then I brewed myself a nice cup of "Coffee Bean Holiday Blend". I got a new single cup making coffee pot today, too. Love it! Bon Appetit!