What a weekend.

NOT relaxing. At all. But I did get a big chunk of my moving list done. The next week will be full of calls, more packing and sorting, making the house livable for the time being (getting everything out of the kitchen), getting rid of the leftover garage sale stuff and my "Bon Voyage" party is this Friday. My AWESOME friends Annie and Mick are throwing it for me and I am overwhelmed at their suggestion and willingness to do something like this for me. My poor mom will be invaded by all my friends for a night of food, drink, laughing and saying goodbye.

Life is so weird right now. I feel like everything has been turned upside-down for 2 and a half years, but especially the last year. One day I'm fine, one day I fall apart, but I keep going somehow. Going through life's traumatic experiences and being alone teach you all about who you are and what you're made of. Some things you want to see, some things you don't, and sometimes you are totally surprised at what you see. I think I'm on autopilot right now because my brain is on overdrive.

My life has gone in some crazy directions, and I have a feeling there are twists and turns yet to come.

Hope you all had a nice holiday weekend.
-CDM

I need a massage.

STAT. Every inch of my body hurts. I moved EVERYTHING I own into the kitchen and/or garage for the carpet guys and ended up having to take a pain killer because I couldn't stand up straight my back hurt so bad. The place looks fabulous! Of course, it will be looking the best it ever has with everything repaired and working properly just in time for me to MOVE. Pisses me off a little. ;-) I just keep telling myself, I'll be laying in the sun and going for a swim this time next month!

I've hired two people for my team on the new job so far. It is strange being the one who "hires" people. Let's hope I picked the right people!

Can't think of much more to say at the moment so I'll just go to bed. Goodnight.

My Wedding Dress

I can't quite get to sleep and decided to sit at the computer for a quick break. I've been working very hard tonight getting everything off the carpet for tomorrow's installation, and as I was cleaning out my closet I ran across my wedding dress. I chucked it. Right into the garbage. It was a hard thing to do, but it is part of moving on. It has been awhile now, but things like that are hard. But I didn't hesitate, I just did it. I wouldn't want anyone else to wear it, it is obviously bad luck. Ha.

It will be good to get out of this town.

I have a case of "feel sorry for myself" today. I shouldn't, but I do. The blues. I'm trying not to go there, but sometimes I can't help it. It comes and goes and I try to contain it, but it's claws get a hold of me occasionally. The carpet is going in tomorrow and I have so much to do. My body hurts and I am tired. So, so tired. I always get stuck with all the work. More than I can handle by myself. I have hurt for so long I don't know how to feel good. I'm trying though.

Finishing Up.

Perhaps someday you will tell me. I'd honestly really like to know.

Got a four-day weekend here to finish up the garage sale and get the carpet in (hopefully). Moving day is getting closer and closer. I have no food in the house and I'm seriously hungry, so job one is going to get something to eat.

WHY

Why do you read my blog everyday Coin? I've been asking myself that question for over two years now and cannot for the life of me come up with a good answer. It made sense in the beginning with the mistaken identity thing and trying to get info, but it seriously doesn't make sense now. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind that you are a devoted reader, in fact it's flattering, but what is a happily married man wasting his time on my blog every day for? I'm not that interesting. I could get my mind around checking in once in a while for curiosity's sake, but almost EVERY DAY FOR OVER TWO YEARS, WHY?

WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY?

You're killing me here! Even my therapist agrees there is something to it, and he is a male therapist. Enlighten me.

Getting rid of so much stuff.

All that's left! My dining room table posing as my desk, my sad little mattress, old office with crap on the floor and my lonely TV.

Who was driving the Mac Truck?

I was falling asleep at my desk yesterday, and when I got home I crashed hard. I did not wake up until the next morning (that's why no blogging yesterday). Today, I feel like a Mac truck has hit me. Every single muscle in my body hurts from all the lifting. I seriously feel 80 years old.

I won an award this morning from my department as being "the most helpful, friendly and dedicated employee". I almost cried. It is going to be hard to leave such a great group of people who actually like me. Speaking of work, I guess I better go do some.

Selling all my stuff.

Wow. I was feeling so sad and lost about selling most of my stuff, but as the garage became more and more empty, the more freedom I felt. Amazing. Life never ceases to amaze me. I made a ton of money too! Going to have another sale next weekend to shed the rest and then the new carpet will go in. I gave money to my neighbor today to fix the fence and do some minor repairs on the house, and then all the major stuff is done! I'm hiring a maid to scrub the house before I go, and the movers will pack my stuff. The rest is cake.

The very last episode of LOST is on tonight, I'm going to miss it so much! They'd better answer all my questions! No more LOST. How ironic.

Until tomorrow my peeps.

Garage Sale

Quick update, garage sale is going GREAT!! I am making WAY more money than I thought I would! Woohoo!!!

Finally, a Productive Day!

So I got my ass in gear Thursday. I took the day off work because the dogs had to get their teeth cleaned and the carpet guy came out to give me an estimate. So, took dogs to vet, got Windows 7 at Staples, went to the post office and bank, got a coffee, got garage sale signs, called "Geek Pros" to fix my computer (internet went down and I kept getting too many error messages), weeded through the house for all the sale items and put them in the garage, did the laundry, made myself dinner and crashed. Tonight I am pricing everything and rearranging the garage. I am DAMN tired and all sweaty. My neighbor came over and helped me move the big furniture out THANK GOD. My back hates me now, though, and I will be very sore tomorrow.

The house looks weird. There's hardly anything in it. I have my laptop on my dining room table because all there is in my office is books, DVDs and craft supplies (all on the floor). In my front room all I have is a small chair in front of my electric fireplace and TV. Nothing on the walls. By tomorrow, my bedroom will only have a mattress on the floor (because the mattress is new) and clothes stacked against the wall. I feel like a poor college student. LOL.

So there you have it. Progress. I even changed all the burnt-out lightbulbs, which I ever so gracefully dropped. They shattered all over the frigging place and I was screaming at the dogs to get away, which of course didn't work, and they walked right in the middle of it. *sigh*

I better make some money at this sale because everything costs a small fortune. A $900 vet bill, $1900 for carpet, $600 to get the fence fixed, 100$ for the computer guy, and yada, yada, yada.

Just Do It!

Yes, I am my own Nike commercial. I had to have a serious talk with myself after last night. I told myself to get up off my ass and JUST DO IT. I am going to be assuming a leadership role in my new job, and thus cannot be such a wuss.

Stuff is just stuff. It doesn't mean anything. People mean something, not stuff. Tonight's agenda is to move more furniture to the garage for the sale.

20 Percent

I'm overwhelmed with sadness tonight. As I sit here up against the wall, it seems like life is 80 percent pain and 20 percent pleasure, but we keep on going in life for that 20 percent. It sounds negative I guess, but it is how life works. I'm not sure what God is doing with me at the moment. Everything happening now seems good and exciting, yet I am having to pray for courage. I can't seem to move my limbs. Perhaps it is a night to rest.

They are having a hard time letting me go.

My boss in Seattle is making me stay a week longer before giving me up to my new boss. Also, I haven't moved, or even started my new position yet and I'm already scheduled to do interviews to put my team together. So, I'm now leaving Seattle on June 24th instead of the 16th, BUT I don't have to start my new job until July 12th, so that gives me more days off and more time to pack. There are seriously not enough hours in the day. I'm averaging 4 hours of sleep a night with all the things I have to do. This whole "independent woman" thing SUCKS at the moment. I have to move all the big furniture by myself (for the garage sale). Bah!

New Life, New Blog Makeover.

I am trying this blog skin out; I was getting sick of the old one. I'm starting to like making changes. I added music, which will probably annoy all of you, but that's my job. To annoy you. If you don't like it, you can go to the bottom and shut it off.

I am starting to go through all my stuff. Ug. I have too much stuff. I think I will like "downsizing" actually; it makes life simpler and more organized. First order of business is getting everything I am going to sell into the garage and throwing stuff out. That is the task this week, and I am having a garage sale the next two weekends in a row. This will be the biggest job, so I want to get it out of the way first.

I have to keep telling myself it will all be OK. To stop stressing. This is a lot for one person to handle, especially with all the crap that I've been through, but I have to do it. No choice. As soon as I start having a panic attack, I just sit down and concentrate on my breathing. Which I'm having to do a lot.

Better today.

After a good night's sleep, I am feeling a little better. Sometimes I have moments that seem to summarize things in a way that overwhelms me. That's normal, right? But we let go and push ahead! I must admit, it is hard to get rid of most everything in my life and start new. It is a necessary step in my life, however, but "pruning" can be painful. It will pass. Everything does. Life goes on and I am going with it. I think my problem is things are happening fast and I don't have much time to think about it; which is probably a good thing. The timing of how everything has come together for me is interesting, though. It is perfect. The order of events and their timing has been perfect. It is meant to be.

Laying in bed.

Everything just hit me. Everything. The past, the present, the future. I feel a little woozy. Sick to my stomach. I'm probably going to get sick, actually.

Why they call me "CrazyDogMama" and Happy Birthday to my Mama!

Took Mags to the Vet this morning. It is always an adventure to take her in the car. As you can see, she is nice and calm and relaxed while we are on the highway, but it's FULL chaos when I park and pull the emergency brake up. I asked for doggie Valium for the drive to California so that I don't chuck her out the window. Taking mom out for a lobster dinner for her birthday!

Gotta get my shit together, Day 1

Called my friend who is a real estate agent to start the home selling process. Made an appointment with movers to come give me an estimate on Monday. Started making a list of ALL the things I need to do before I leave and realized it is going to be a small miracle if I can do it. Had freakout attack. Recovered. Went to dinner with mom to discuss how I'm going to get all this done. Called lawyer because I still haven't received the deed to the house and I need it. Tried to figure out a good bribe to get my neighbor to help me fix the fence. Money and beer usually works. Thanked God for all that He has given me and all that He has helped me get through and proceeded to ask Him to not let me lose it during the next month of chaos. Got a little teary-eyed for who knows what reason. Recovered. Tried to figure out why I drank an espresso at 8pm at night when I have to get up at 5am. Sat in silence for a good 20 minutes trying to soak all of this in. Looked around the house. Put my hands on my head and groaned. Recovered. Answered emails. Talked to my ex's ex for an hour (I have an odd life) to give her the scoop and my new info because I will be living only an hour from where my stepson is going to college in the fall. (Yay!) Gave myself a pep-talk that everything is going to be great and that the best is yet to come.

Relocation Package

OK I'm semi-calm. Sort of. All of this is still very surreal. I've lived in WA since I was 6 years old (born in California), and even though I'm very familiar with the area I'm moving to, it is scary as hell to leave my whole life behind in such a short amount of time. On the flip side, it's gonna be so freakin' cool!

My company is giving me an UNBELIEVABLE relocation package. My jaw hit the floor. Won't be costing me a dime to move! I'm just going to hire movers and packers and kick back. I'm going to have a big garage sale in the next few weekends to "prune" my stuff. Only the good stuff goes with me, I will buy new later! My raise blew me away too. I'm not going to know how to act!

Anyway, I will officially be a Californian on June 17th (leaving the 16th) and I start my new position on the 28th. AAHH!

Thanks for all the great comments! I love you all. I of course will be blogging the adventures in moving.

I. GOT. THE. JOB. HOLY SHIT.

They want me there in about 3 weeks. Moved. In 3 weeks. To California. I got a 25K/yr raise. I am paralyzed with excitement and fear at the same time. I can barely think, let alone type. I will have to blog later when the shock wears off.

Just had the second interview.

Can't read this one. I don't feel 100% confident, but I think it went well. He was a tough interviewer, I answered some questions spot-on, and others I struggled with. ARG. I want to know right now damnit! Perhaps I need to work on my patience skills. Hurry up and wait.

Happy Mother's Day to All the Mothers!

I made my mom her favorite dish that I make, "Quattro Fromaggi Mezzaluna Ravioli" in a garlic parmesan cream sauce with jumbo shrimp and a Greek salad. It turned out pretty good. I also got her a mani/pedi gift certificate because she NEVER does stuff like that for herself. I also brought her an iced coffee. What did you do for your mother if you were able to spend time with her?

The picture of me is circa 1987 in the very backyard of the house I may be moving into this summer. I'm a little nervous about the second interview tomorrow. It seems like there is a REALLY good chance for me to get this job and I'm excited but terrified at the same time. It will be VERY overwhelming to sell my house, sell most of my stuff and move to another state, all while trying to start a new position with a lot more responsibility. Not only that, but I've decided to go back to my maiden name and there will be paperwork up the ying yang for that, PLUS moving to a new state. It will also be SUPER fun taking a driving test after 22 years. I haven't gotten the job yet, but just thinking about 

this stuff freaks me out. It will be a whole new life for me. If you had told me two years ago that 

my life would be at this crossroads, I wouldn't have believed it. I actually remember blogging over a year ago "I wonder what will be happening this time next year?" HA. It goes to show you that you can't know where your life is going to go. Never say never. Anything can change at any time. I 

never thought I would live in California, I never thought I would be successful in a career, I never thought I would be single at 38 and I never thought I would be able to get through 

everything I've been through. Maybe it's my time now. Maybe after all the struggles, all the heartache and all the loss, it is my time to live. I'm sure this is not the only change life has in store for me, just when I think nothing else could possibly change, BOOM! Who knows, I may NOT get the job, I just don't know. But I do know that no matter what, NOTHING stays the same.

You should do what I did. Right now. Write down where you think your life will be in a year, and then stash it someplace safe. Then, put in on a calendar to look at in exactly a year and see how close you were. I bet you are WAY off. You may not have big life changes like me, but I bet some things will happen over the course of the year you weren't expecting at ALL. It is interesting, try it.

I really AM a Badass.

It wasn't as bad as I remember. It hurt, yes, but when he said he was done, I was all "Really? That was nothing!" He laughed. I really love how it turned out, the cover-up is awesome. I let the artist do what he wanted, although I did say no to getting a snake going through a skull. ROFLMAO. I have SWIRLIES now! I like swirlies. I am very happy with it. Of course, the first thing that happened when I got home is the dogs jumped all over it and I screamed NO! OFF! OMG, OFF! They want to lick my wound, and, um, NO. Gross.

I have turned a few corners now, and am awaiting my Monday, or possibly Tuesday news. I think I need a glass of wine. My ankle is a bit sore.

Tattoo Parlour.

I'm waiting in the tattoo parlour. I'm the most normal person here, and that's saying A LOT. LOL! Everyone is nice, but I could have found the portal to hell, I'm not sure. It is however very sanitary and clean in here, but the music playing sounds like a mixture of a man screaming while someone is holding his throat with people throwing trash cans in the background. Hehe.

Pics later after the crying and cussing. I have to go act like a badass now, so please excuse me.

I'm bouncing off the damn walls!

I emailed the person I interviewed with today to thank her for her time and ask a few questions I did not have time to ask. Specifically, I asked when they want the position to start, if there would be anymore interviews other than this one and when she would be making a decision. She replied quickly with, "Need someone ASAP, there is an interview set up for you with another director on Monday at 10 am, and the decision will be made as soon as that interview is over." She also said she is hoping to have me join their team! HOLY CRAP. If this interview goes well on Monday, I will be transferring to the California plant ASAP as the new Supervisor of my department!

I can't sit still. I might be putting my house on the market next week! I would probably lose my ass in this economy, but how is exciting is this? OK, I don't want to jinx it so I'll shut up about it now.

I'm getting my tattoo redone/changed tomorrow at 4pm. I'm nervous. I'm not big on pain.

I have a new theme song for this week. I want to do it all. I AM going to do it all. (My way!)

I wasn't going to blog tonight, but I did.

My mom called and said I had to blog because I can't just leave people hanging. That's funny. When did this blog become so damn important? I can't imagine anyone caring that much about anything that I write, or hanging on every word I say, but I guess it is possible. I remember back in 1998 reading my first blog/website and wanting one soooo bad. I made it a goal to learn HTML, and I actually wrote it down on my goal spreadsheet. (Shut up.) Then, blogger came out a few years later and it was as easy as 1-2-3. You had to know a little HTML back then to have extras, but not too much. Now you don't have to know squat unless you want something really unique and fancy.

Anyway, I guess you all want to know about my interview, huh? It went great. After a crappy few days I wasn't exactly bringing my A-game, but it turned out well. The new director is spunky and fun, not at all what I was expecting. She said the other person she wants to hire (the person I would be reporting to) was someone she knows and said she could tell from my personality that we would get along great. I think that is a pretty good indication that I'm definitely in the running. I don't know who my competition is (they won't tell me) but I felt good about how I presented myself. I make a point to never be fake, but to express myself exactly how I am and what I can do. She seemed impressed. HR contacted me later in the day and said they wanted to set up another interview next week with someone else. I'm just going with the flow, waiting to see what life is going do next. BRING IT!

There is something I have learned lately that I will share. It is the concept of reality. Not existentialism or anything (ha!), but about what "reality" we create in our minds. Our thinking. What we think, or what "reality" we create for ourselves, determines how our life goes. It affects our mood, our emotions, our decision making, everything. The problem comes when the reality we create isn't actually "real". Deep shit, I know. I don't think I am explaining it well, so here is an example. Two people witness the same event. One of them thinks it has a great, positive outcome, and the other thinks it is a tragedy or horrible mistake. It is a very real feeling or interpretation for each person, but who is correct? Both. Neither. It is only perception and their reaction to it, and it affects each one differently, possibly a life changing perception. I'm starting to learn how to change my own reality. It is quite fascinating. It doesn't mean there are not facts or truths (e.g. the event was just the event), it just means how we look at them can be extremely important. Another example: If a child goes through a situation where their mother and father divorce, and the child goes to live with one parent, that child may grow up thinking that the other parent abandoned them. The fact may be that the parent without the child had no choice in the matter, but nevertheless, abandonment is the reality for the child until they change their reality.

What in the hell am writing this for? LMAO! I have no idea, just writing. Did your eyes roll to the back of your head? Didn't mean to get all philosophical.

Get! Go on! The pic is of my new sunglasses.

I'm Dying

Have had a very rough couple of days. Don't even know what to say. I guess there is nothing to say.

I think I am going to die from no sleep.

It's going to be a long week.

I have my interview on Thursday with the Director, but then it will be hurry up and wait. Which I totally suck at. But in the meantime, I set up an appointment for my partial tattoo cover-up. I'm getting my rose-piercing-the-heart touched up (I designed that myself!) and well, I think I'm going to have to go with some more roses or something on the bottom where the name is because "cover-ups" are difficult apparently, and laser removal is SUPER expensive and painful. Forget THAT. Flowers are more feminine anyway. ;-) So, in ALL ways, this will be a painful week. LOL.

Nice Weekend.

My mom and I were chatting on the phone Saturday night, and after about an hour I said, "This is stupid, why don't I just come over?" She agreed. So, I threw the pups in the car with an overnight bag, and we went to see 'grandma'. (That's what I tell the pups and they get all excited. LOL.) We watched a movie (A walk in the Clouds) and then went to bed. Sunday, we got up and went to breakfast at Denny's (I had the prime rib & eggs skillet) and then went shopping after I said this, "You know how material things only give you temporary happiness?" My mom said "Yes.", then I said, "Let's go get some temporary happiness!" She said, "Okay!!" So, we went shopping. She bought a ring; I bought some new sunglasses (like I needed more of those) and we both got some makeup. Had a great time. Went back to her place, took a nap, got up and grabbed dinner and watched another movie "He's Just Not That Into You". The movie was too funny. It was obviously chick flick weekend. I'm back home now getting a load of laundry done and paying the bills.

I don't know what day next week I have the interview for the Cali position, but I'm anxious for it. I have zero patience. I want to know NOW. It's funny, I'm going on vacation in a month to the place I might end up living in. Guess I'll have to find a new vacation spot!! I cancelled my eHarmony subscription (shut up) not only because I'm sick of it, but I'm thinking I probably shouldn't date anymore until I figure out where I'm going to be living. Ha.

It is so weird how everything has changed so much for me in such a short amount of time. But you know, I'm doing pretty good. I feel like things are really looking up. I do wish I had a special someone to share this exciting time with, but I believe he will come. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but he will. I hope it happens the way I want it to, but in the meantime, life is happening all around me and for the first time in a long time I can see it and am participating in it! I have learned much, made mistakes and feel like I've been through it all, but now I know what I want and what I don't want. I'm actually feeling more confident, and I know I can handle what life throws at me. I've still got some self-improvement to do, and I'm doing it, however no one is perfect and I'm not beating myself up over the stupid stuff! At this point I am actually willing to take chances I've been so afraid of before, live anywhere, and I'm on the road to happiness, and when that special guy does ride up, I'll be ready, and he will be spoiled rotten! (And so will I!) ;-)

He answered me.

I prayed to the Lord to ask Him if I was making the right choices, because these are BIG choices! I asked if He could somehow let me know that I was on the right path, and this is what was sent to me this morning:

This is a time of the culmination of many of the things that I have spoken to you in the past, says the Lord, and also a time when you can now proceed into the next phase of your life. You may experience a sense of loss as you make some required changes, but this will actually be a time of looking back briefly before you begin to move forward. Don't be afraid to let go. I am with you to take you higher. Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." 

Up at 3:30 am.

I'm either too excited, or there is something wrong with me.

With the great news at my company (having fun on e*trade!), as well as the possible MAJOR move for me, I can't sleep. My boss wrote the nicest recommendation email to the director at the new L.A. plant on my behalf. I had no idea she thought of me so highly, either that or she wants to get rid of me, ha! (I cause trouble and make people do things right.) I'm getting interviewed next week, so wish me luck! I've never been a "boss" before, so this is uncharted territory for me. My stepson is all excited at the thought of me moving because he is going to college there in the fall. I am to text him the 'minute I know'. He is getting nervous for college; it is so cute. I went to his last stage play last week, and he was so good! I think he will do just fine.

So, I am hiring a gardener. Screw it. I just don't have time. My elderly neighbors gave me the name of theirs, so I'm just going to do it. Not only that, but if I have to sell the house, I need it looking decent. I am replacing the rotted fence in the next week or two and looking into new carpet since the dogs have destroyed it. I swear I am going to get them doggie diapers!

Well, that's about it for now. Have no idea what I'm doing for the weekend. I don't know what to do with a weekend off! LOL!