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List Rearrangement

Just when you think you have things figured out, BOOM! The game changes. AGAIN.

Vince is still wonderful. Everyone likes Vince, and thinks he is my best bet, but I don't know exactly what his thoughts/intentions are with me. "B" and I met IRL, and he is quite possibly the best-looking guy I have ever seen in my LIFE. I couldn't believe he was with me. Even other women in the bar couldn't help but stare at him. It made me nervous. Although all of our text/email conversations were comfortable, cool and promising, the date was a little awkward and I don't think it is going to happen again. I think there may have been drool dripping from my mouth. I also think he may be one of those guys with arrested development (emotionally), and I can't deal with another one. Plus I'm not sure he is still interested anyway.

John. The enigma wrapped in an anomaly. Talked for an hour on Sunday. He has been acting totally different with me for the last month (more intense and attentive) and just when I start moving him off the list, he creeps back up into the running. Damn him! I have so much history with John, it is hard to ignore.  I cannot turn off feelings. I cannot stay mad at him.

So, to sum up, down to 2 guys, and I have no clue what to do or what will happen.

Vince, Homemade Guacamole & Cabernet

Vince, my most adorable new friend. :-)  He is a professional musician, and I get to witness greatness in action! I went over to his house (a townhome in Irvine) and he made homemade guacamole and served us cabernet in little plastic cups. LOL! Good times. He is a little odd, but totally sweet and easy to hang with.

Replacement Players

Things change around here weekly. Well, daily actually. John has moved to the bottom of the list, and I have not totally decided what I'm going to do with him. I am really frustrated, and I need to grow a spine. Screw love feelings. He is on thin ice. I went out with "W" today for a nice dinner down by the beach, but I'm afraid I'm not "feeling it". He is a nice man, but I'm really picky, and he showed up in a dirty work uniform and seemed unkempt. Bah. I guess surfers are out. Vince is good, but he is now competing for top spot with "B". "B" isn't new, but there were a few weeks where we didn't email/talk, so I thought he was gone, but I was wrong. So, we'll see what happens with all of them. Men are a pain in the ass.

Yes I am a big, huge, awful slacker with no excuse.

But I'm gonna try to give you an excuse anyway. I've been busy juggling 3 guys? Is that a good justification? No? Darn. I really have been super busy, though. Work has their impossible deadlines again, and it takes concentration not to get my boys mixed up. :-)

No matter how many guys come and go from my life, I can't seem to give up John. When I start seeing someone new, my mom asks "What are you going to tell John?" My heart kind of skips a beat when she says that, and I realize the torch is still burning. I'm not going to tell him anything. Not unless I decide to commit to someone for real, or if for some strange reason JOHN ever decides to commit to me. He frustrates the ever-lovin' shit outta me, but just when I am about to give up on him, he does or says something incredibly sweet that I'm not expecting. I don't know if he is a genius or just lucky. (Not that being with me constitutes luck.)

I met "V" a few weeks ago. He is this completely adorable professional jazz musician who has a house 5 minutes from me. He is more refined; likes fine wine and spends a lot of money taking me out to eat, but he travels a lot. Then there is "W", a local surfer from Huntington Beach. Really sweet, nice bod, and likes horror movies. All three men are very different from one another.

I am having V over for dinner probably sometime this week since he rarely gets a home-cooked meal, W and I are going to dinner on the beach on Wednesday, and John might be coming over to spend all day Saturday with me. Or not. Who knows. I never in my life thought I could be "this girl". Now I'm not a slut or anything, I'm being a somewhat good girl here, just seeing who I really connect with, if anyone. It's exhausting! And confusing! But lots of fun.

Brandi's Birthday BBQ

Went to my friend Brandi's house for her birthday BBQ. We work together. She is dating my boss, which is so convenient for me! LOL! They are both really great, and I had a good time. She has 3 German Shepherds and 3 cats now (One of her Shepherds just got adopted). They are sooo sweet!

One of Brandi's babies - Conan.  They run the house.

Brandi and Conan

Brandi's BBQ'd Chicken

My boss!  I'm so lucky. :-)

Brandi and her other baby. ;-)

Perspective

On the way home from work tonight, I got RIGHT behind a horrific accident on 405, in the middle lane, and I mean horrific! The car was unrecognizable and there was a guy laying on the freeway. Help arrived in seconds, literally, but it gave me flashbacks of my law enforcement days and arriving on scenes just like this one. I have the unique ability to detach emotionally and stay calm in a crisis, but you still take it with you. I don't know the extent of the injuries, but it couldn't have been good. My heart goes out to the everyone involved and their families. It could have been me. How we take our lives for granted.

Life

No matter how good things are, there is always something bringing me down. Why? Is this just life? Is there something wrong with me? Does this only happen to me? I have so many things to be thankful for.  My health, a great job, all my bills paid, a beautiful home with a pool, a cute dog, great family and friends who love me, the list goes on and on. I guess I'm just frustrated. I think I am mad at myself for letting someone into my heart. I know he let me in too, but things just get so complicated when you get older. So many things to consider. Why is it so damn easy to express yourself and be carefree about love when you're young? If we could only have the enthusiasm of youth again! The boldness, the resilience, the fearlessness!

I don't know what is going to happen. Not even a clue. I meet and talk to men all the time. I send some of them running with my strong personality and inability to be controlled, and some of them become good friends. There is only one that has taken up residence in my heart. I know how he feels, and I think he is even more afraid than I am. It is so silly. What are we so afraid of?

Crazy Times

I have been way too busy to see straight. Deadlines at work, working late, late night dates and no energy. I fell asleep as soon as I got home from work on Friday, slept a good portion of the day on Saturday, then John and I did our normal stay out until 5 am thing Saturday night to Sunday, so I slept most of the day on Sunday too. Now I'm back at crazy work. In between all of that, I have been emailing someone new. I'm not going to talk much about it unless it becomes something real, but so far so good. We'll see. He likes horror movies, so this is a big plus. :-)  I tell myself this: John can either commit and be more attentive than is, or he will eventually be replaced, regardless of how much I care for him. I think that's fair. I give no pressure, no ultimatum, this is just my own personal plan of action.

My stepson has instructed me to go see "Cabin in the Woods", so I will probably be seeing it this week some time. My new "guy" said he would "love to go see it with me". Yay! :-)  Apparently, it is good, and I trust his judgement.

This is what I deal with.

Hint: Note the times.

Text messages from today:
1:13 pm (You know who): "Hey sweetie, how are you doing?"
1:18 pm: (Me): "I'm good, u?"
3:46 pm: (You know who): "I'm good. Want to get together this week?"
4:00 pm: (Me): "Sure."
7:52 pm: (You know who): "What day works best for you, Thursday, Friday or Saturday?"
8:01 pm: (Me):  "Friday or Saturday"
No response.  Sigh.

Easter Garden

I played with my camera this weekend in the backyard. It was beautiful and in the 80's all three of my days off, and I enjoyed every second of it. I also laid in the sun, went swimming and went to see my stepson in a play up in L.A. It was a good weekend to get my head together and relax, however I managed to fall right on my ass, lock, stock and barrel, while walking around Hollywood. I had on wedges, and the sidewalk was full of potholes and cracks. I was of course carrying a big, iced mocha, and wearing white went I went sailing onto the pavement. Ouch. Can't take me anywhere.

I took a picture of the grapefruit and orange trees in my backyard (see below), and I put the photo as desktop wallpaper on my computer. My mom walked by and said, "Why do you have a picture of rotten fruit as wallpaper?" LOL!

Having to take it down a notch, or five.

OK, having two men in my life (John and Tony) is all I can handle. Anything more than that and I'm going to start getting names, dates and info confused.

I was so happy (which is weird) when my date for Tuesday night blew me off. In fact, I was relieved. I was too tired to deal with meeting someone new. I'm getting old, you know?

I took a half day off of work yesterday to get a manicure/pedicure and take a nap. That's how exhausted I am. Both John and Tony keep me out REALLY late, and sometimes on a work night. I really need to take a vacation. My friend Mario (the friend I went to Texas with last year) is talking about booking a trip to New Orleans, maybe I will do that to get away!

Stupid Facebook

So the reason I have been so absent lately on here is because I have been a maniac on Facebook. I hate Facebook, but it just sucks you in and it is just useless to fight. I can say what I want here because only a few select people on Facebook know about Crazydogmama and I am VERY careful not to advertise, but I have to watch myself there. For example, John is one of my Facebook friends. And I know he reads it because every time we are on a date, he comments on something I have said there. I have often wondered what the hell I will do if I ever do get into a relationship and have to tell the guy about my blog. Wait, I don't have to tell, right? Crap. Delete button. I can use the delete button!

It's like I live two lives. Good Cheryl, Bad Cheryl. Maybe it's just bad Cheryl taking over. :-/

Back to Self-Induced Chaos

As much as I care about John, he has not brought up "exclusivity", and given that I see him only once or twice a month, I refuse to sit around and wait. It's been a year. Plus, I have no clue what he is out doing; I don't ask, and he doesn't say. In the meantime, I am back in the dating game full speed ahead. I went out with Tony last Sunday who drove all the way from San Diego to take me to an Italian dinner, then Starbucks, then bowling, then In and Out burger at midnight. (We were hungry again, LOL!) He called last night and wants to go out again. My next date is with Paul, he is taking me out to dinner as well for a first date. Kevin, who I went out with a couple of times last summer has reappeared and wants to see me. I don't know, we'll see, he only seems interested in one thing. I have been emailing back and forth with Alex, but I think he is looking for a submissive and docile "lady", and well, let's all laugh together, shall we?

So, in a nutshell, I'm having a really good time, I am meeting all kinds of interesting people, and not sitting at home pouting, that's for sure! It would be nice to be in a committed relationship and fall in love, but until that happens, let the good times roll! I've never really been able to do what I want, when I want at any other time in my life, so I think I need this 'rite of passage' right now.

Some fun things I just bought.

Little peasant top.

Off-the-shoulder top.

Beach tee.

Going-out-dancing-shoes.

Photos of Irish food, my wild night & a juice cleanse!

Corned Beef, Cabbage and Potatoes!

Irish Soda Bread and Guinness beer!

Having a good time at Crow's

Fun with new friends

2-day Juice cleanse!  Bring me the toilet!!

St. Paddy's Day, George, John and Holy Shit Mode

I get myself in trouble. More about that in a minute, though, let's talk about food! After a crazy all-nighter and getting home at 8 am in the morning, I took a nap and then my mom and I went up to Cath's (my Godmother) and she made us an Irish feast! Corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, soda bread and Guinness beer! It was sooo good and I was starving so I stuffed myself.

George. So, George has texted and emailed me every day since we met. Awesome. Too bad he lives so far away, right? But in the last few months, guess who has been very attentive and wonderful? John. Of course. I just realized we have been seeing each other for almost a year now, how time flies! I’m not sure exactly what changed, but he is different with me all of a sudden. Still sweet and fun, but a lot more intense and serious with the emotions. So intense in fact, that I’m in “holy shit” mode.

We stayed out all night (per usual) on Friday, going to our favorite dive bar, “Crow’s Cocktails” and having a crazy, fun time. We met some people there (as always) and we were all laughing, slamming shots and dancing along with the Jukebox well into the wee hours of the morning until they kicked us out. We hung out for a while afterward, talking and sobering up, then, it started raining softly. I told him I should be getting home, but he said, “Let’s take a walk”. So, we took a romantic walk in the rain holding hands. Then something happened that was so unexpected, I almost choked on my own spit. He said the “L” word. Yes, that one. HOLY SHIT MODE. John does not let that word fly around haphazardly like some guys. Not at all. It is something I never actually expected to hear from him, even after a night of drinking. I don’t think he expected it either. Then came this:

John: “You are so great. You are the greatest woman I have ever met. Really.”

Me: “Oh, how so?” (Smiling; heart pounding; not yet recovered from the L word.)

John: “You are so sweet, fun and easy to be around. You aren’t all emotional and scattered and moody and annoying like every other woman I know, everyone loves you. I watch you. I watch men talk to you all night long in the bar, they aren’t trying to get laid, they know you are with me, but they are drawn to you, they ignore the women they are with because you are more interesting and fun to talk to. You don’t clamor for attention; everyone just comes to you naturally. It makes me smile, knowing you are with me. She’s with me! I watch you, then I start to think, Hey! Wait a minute! I want to talk to her; I want to be next to her! That’s my Cheryl! Everybody step aside!  I really appreciate that you don’t act jealous or get all pissy when I am running late. You are awesome. And I love you. And I want to be with you all the time.”

Um, what do I do now?

After just being together for 11 hours, he called me after 5 hours of sleep. I didn’t hear my phone ring the FIRST THREE TIMES HE TRIED TO CALL leaving two voicemails. (What is going on?) I groggily answered the fourth phone call. And then we talked for 2 hours. Somebody help me, here. His business is going really well right now, and he also said this perplexing little statement in passing “I am changing some things in my life; I am in transition.” WTF does that mean?

WOW.

I Just Couldn't Help Myself

I was resistant to remaining on "online dating" sites any longer, but I kept myself on one of them just for the hell of it. Out of 1004 emails over the last year on this one site (whew!) I have only responded to maybe 5 of them. Yeah, I'm pretty picky. One came along the other day, and even though he is older than the men I usually date, he is OH SO SEXY, and distinguished! Seriously ladies, don't you think so? To hell with George Clooney, this George makes my heart race when I talk to him! He is very well spoken and responsive to me, however he lives in Northern California (damn it!) but we are still getting to know each other anyway. Those eyes, sigh. You never know.

The guy before him that contacted me revealed in his 5th email that he had a girlfriend but was definitely interested in "occasional and discreet" naughty fun. DIRT BAG. And people wonder why women (especially me) have trust issues. However, instead of being mean and going off on him, I simply said, "Oh, too bad, my sexual appetite is just too strong for occasional and discreet." LOL, I can't help it. I feel sorry for his girlfriend, this is why I stay unattached and have backups. Ha!

Moonstruck

Driving home from work tonight, the biggest moon I've ever seen emerged. The pictures I took when I got home don't even come CLOSE to how it really looks. I feel like I could just reach out and touch it. I wish I could capture just how gorgeous it is, but I am no professional photographer, and my equipment is lacking. My Nikon does well, but this truly is a sight.

While I had the camera out, thought I would take a few pics of the pups. Maggie and my mom's dog, Molly. Okay, I'm hungry, gotta go. Ciao!

Peace, Quiet and Sunshine

I just spent two glorious days in utter and complete bliss. I have been laying in the 85-degree sun reading in my backyard, loving on my dog, swimming in my pool and just "being". I feel incredibly relaxed. Bills are paid, work is at work and my brain is happy and stress-free. This is the good life. Right here, right now.

There was a slight breeze as I laid down on my sunning chair just after getting out the pool. The sun felt so good on my skin and as the pool water dripped down my back from my wet hair, it kept me cool. I could smell my mom's jasmine in the planter behind me. I watched Maggie stretch her back legs out behind her as she soaked in the scene as well. The only noise was my pool heater humming, which makes me smile.  No one was bothering me, asking me questions, wanting things from me. Peace.  I found it.