Monday, December 19, 2011

Do you ever wonder?

Yup, I'm having one of those I-can't-sleep-and-feeling-a-dark-blog-coming-on kind of nights.  I struggle with major depression and anxiety, and sometimes I'm just too tired to fight it.  Although all my different shrinks have told me I'm not crazy or Bi-Polar or anything like that, I do suffer from a form of PTSD, which is ironic if you know anything about my life.

There are certain things that trigger my meltdowns and I've learned just to let it happen.  You can't side-step it, run from it or ignore it.  You have to just accept it, and hold on for the ride.  I'm not alone in this; almost everyone I know deals with "stuff".  Young, old, middle-aged, male, female - doesn't matter.  Life is funny that way, it is no respector of persons.  I am not special or extraordinary or any worse off than anyone else.  And you know what?  There is no passing the buck.  My life is my own, and so is yours.  You can't blame your parents, God, the devil, bad luck, karma, your ex or your genes on how things turned out for you.  Nope, you can't.  You can try, but good luck with that.

Yes, some things happen that are out of your control - but how you deal with it is up to you.  I am constantly trying to change my thinking and just surrender myself over to God, but it is HARD. Think about it though, how else do you develop character if you don't have to wade through the shit pond every once in awhile?  I will admit, sometimes I wonder what the hell I am doing here.  On Earth, I mean.  I often want to die because I can't think of any reason to stay.  But then I snap out of it and go have a cookie.  In therapy, they always have to ask you if you are "suicidal" for obvious reasons.  I always say this:  "Yes, sometimes, but I don't think death is going to be any easier than life so I realize there isn't any point."  That always gets an interesting reaction.  LOL.

I actually do think there is SOME reason I am still alive and kicking - why God hasn't given me the pink slip just yet.  Hell if I know what it is, but yeah.

Here is the weird part.  I *am* starting to change.  I used to be this dating machine, excited and exasperated all the time trying to find some great guy.  The last date I was on was August 27th, with John.  I've been asked out several times since then, and even had dates scheduled with different men, but for some reason I stopped emailing back, didn't return phone calls, and cancelled dinners.  It all of a sudden just didn't seem that important anymore.  About a month ago I was looking at my credit card statement and saw all the recurring online dating site charges.  It was a lot of money.  I cancelled them all that day.  I am still a member of one - a free one, but I only check it if I get an email, and 99.9% of the time I do not respond for some reason or another.  John still sends an occassional text wishing me a happy birthday or some such thing, and I still hear from Joe every once in awhile.  Other than that, I'm just...meandering about.  I don't know if there will ever be someone else.  And I'm not really sure I care.  But this is not the source of my depression - never has been.

Wow.  I'm putting myself to sleep, so I'm sure I lost you awhile back.  I'm gonna shut it now and go lie down.  Gotta try and turn it off for a few hours - must work tomorrow.

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