Monday, August 29, 2011

When someone drives you batshit crazy, does it mean you're in love? Or should you run like hell?

Holy crap on a cracker.  He takes about 8 hours to answer a text.  Literally.  Sometimes I won't hear from him for like, 2 weeks, and then he seems confused that I am irked.  He has a smile that makes me forget my name.  He can talk about a subject for 45 minutes non-stop (just him talking) and then, without warning, change the subject to something completely irrelevant and random.  For example:  Last night we were driving and he was telling me about his take on the presidential candidates.  It was intense, then all of a sudden, we pass a street called "Kitts" and he says "How do streets get named, anyway?  Who came up with Kitts?  Is that someone's name? I want to name a street.  How do I do that?"  He looks over at me inquisitively, like I have the answer to this.  I just blink at him and say "What?"  He is completely serious and waits for me to answer him.  He does this all the time.

Then there is the whole I'm usually right yet he never listens thing.

Phone call:
John: I'm leaving now.
Me:  OK, meet you in about 45 minutes.
John:  No, it should only be about 30 minutes.
Me:  Oh?  Usually it takes you 45 minutes or so.
John: Not this time of night.
Me:  K. (rolling my eyes)

47 minutes later he arrives.

Driving and lost:
John: Uh, I think I did that wrong.
Me: Uh, yep.
John:  Isn't 2nd street up to the left?
Me: No, I think you make a right up here, then a left.
John:  No, I think it's left first.
Me:  I don't think so - the ocean is over there, so it has to be right to get back out on the main highway.
He makes a left.
John: Crap!
Me: (giggling)  I told you.
John: Yes, OK, you were right.  You are right about lots of things.
Me:  Yes, I know.  You hate that don't you?
John:  No.  Yes.

But then at the end of the night (well, usually around 4 am or so) we will be sitting in his car, and he will lay his head on my chest and hold on to me like a lost little boy while I run my fingernails through his hair, and everything that seemed wrong in the world will suddenly seem right and I will feel more peaceful then I've ever felt in my life.

What am I going to DO with him??

We are both emotionally unavailable, yet I think he needs me as much as I need him.  We are both committment-phobes at this point in our lives, yet we keep seeing other.  5 months now?  He will completely tick me off, but I will keep it to myself, then he will ironically and spontaneously say something so incredibly sweet it almost doesn't seem real and I have to stop being mad at him.  His kisses are so sweet and good it almost pisses me off.

What the hell??

Friday, August 26, 2011


I've been feeling a little bit overwhelmed lately. Work is busier than it has ever been - and with the looming layoffs everyone is stressed to the hilt.  If I stay, but lose one of my guys, it will be back to 60 to 70 hour weeks for me and I just don't know how much longer I can run at this pace.  I'm tired.  I really want a personal life, but I don't see how that will be possible.  Yeah, they pay me a lot of money, but is it worth it?  As it is right now, my laundry is piling up, my bathroom needs to be cleaned, my car needs to be washed, I need an oil and lube, I need to return some items to a store, blah, blah, blah.  Just thinking about all of it makes me want to take a nap.  My back and shoulders hurt from the muscle tension and I'm getting a headache.  I hardly ever get to see John which sucks.  His long-time business (mortgage broker) is as you can imagine, not doing well in this economy and he is all kinds of stressed out too.  Plus, he lives all the way up in LA.  Bah!  But, we are going out tomorrow night and I just want to lay in his arms and forget all this crap.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Where there is a will...

So I have this Disneyland annual pass, but no one I know has one, and it is quite difficult to get people to spend 100+ bucks a trip more than once or twice a year.  SOOOO, someone turned me on to "".  Fabulous!  I just joined two groups for annual passholders -- people just like me who want to make friends with other passholders and spend more time at the parks!  I go on my first meetup on Monday -- got the day off from work!


So I was channel surfing last night and ran across the movie "The Dark Crystal".  It is kind of a disturbing muppet movie that is so retarded it is AWESOME.  My favorite character is Fizgig - the little dog-like pet or something.  To fully understand this little guy's awesomeness, you must watch this.  When I throw a fit, that is exactly what I look like.

I have two forms of expression:  Completely intense, and completely silly.  Just so you know.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Lasciare Andare!

Translation:  "Let Go" or "Allow to go".  These are my "words".  In Italian. Because I love everything Italian.  So I watched the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" and despite the bad reviews, I enjoyed it.  There was this thing in the movie where everyone needs to choose their "word" or "words" and I thought it was profound, so I thought about and chose mine.  In order to be free, you need to "let go" or allow all the things paralyzing you in the present go by the wayside.  It is an ongoing practice for Lasciare Andare!

Speaking of Italian, if I get to keep my job (and even if I don't), I have begun to save for a trip to Italy.  This time next year, if life allows, I will be blissfully partaking of an experience I have wanted all my life.

Thursday, August 11, 2011


I got into my car this morning to drive to work.  (Yes I still have a job.)  I rolled the window down partly.  A spider crawled in and onto my hand.  I looked down and saw the spider and just stared at it walking around on my skin.  I did not let out a blood curdling scream, I did not smash my hand into the dashboard or fly out of the car jumping up and down - all things that would normally occur given the circumstance.  I did NOTHING.  No fear, no reaction, nothing.


I have arachnophobia.  Bad.  Usually.  I have hurt myself on a number of occasions trying to get away from spiders that are smaller than lady bugs.  What happened today totally, completely and utterly shocks me.  It cannot be explained.  Something is going on with me.

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Monkey say, monkey do

They are doing big layoffs at my company, so we are hiring our own replacements...

Wednesday, August 03, 2011


I would rather regret the things I've done than the things I haven't done.