Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sometimes I struggle with the will to live. It seems like the bad outweighs the good so often that it is hard to keep a positive attitude. I know this is depressing and not what anyone ever wants to hear or read. Life is truly disappointing to me. I've worked so hard to do what I'm supposed to do; to try and the see the good in everything and everyone; to do the right things; to keep going no matter what; to fight for what I believe in. I always get beat down. How many times do you keep getting up? Is it worth it? I keep thinking about the scene in "The Pursuit of Happyness" where Wil Smith is sitting in the subway bathroom with his son, crying. I feel like that most of the time. It isn't God's fault, it isn't bad luck, it isn't that I have been lazy or unkind. It is just life. That movie, which was based on a true story, has a happy ending. Do I have a happy ending? I keep thinking to myself; what if surgery doesn't get rid of my cancer? How will I live out my days? What will I be able to say about my life? That I failed miserably at everything? And then I think, what if surgery does get rid of the cancer like it is supposed to? How will I live out my days? How will I change my life to be more appreciative of it? I know you are supposed to press on; to keep moving forward. But I have to tell you, that is very, very hard sometimes.