Thursday, December 30, 2010

I'm bored, can you tell? Going out to eat in my new leopard coat.

Me singing. LOL. What a dork.
Today all I have on is a V-neck white T-shirt and black underwear. My hair is straightened, but not combed. My black eyeliner is still on from yesterday. My toenails are painted pink.

I am dancing around upstairs on the terrace of the stairs singing my new theme song. "Pocket Full of Sunshine" by Natasha Bedingfield. I call the song "Take Me Away". Listen and read. I don't usually like this type of music, but it is catchy and I like the words.

I just woke from a dream about a caveman. Right out of the blue. How interesting.

I've been inspired to write something.

A little while ago, an old boyfriend contacted me through Facebook. It happened to be the guy that I broke it off with to be with my now ex husband. I didn't know it at the time I broke up with him, but he had bought me an engagement ring and was going to propose to me on my birthday of that year. He got really pissed when I got engaged to my ex and threatened to crash our wedding. Funny stuff. That seems so long ago. He obviously didn't hold a grudge because he sent me a really nice email. Apparently he is getting married for like, the fourth time, but this time to his best friend - a girl I know. They were friends when even we were dating; we all hung out together. They are so absolutely perfect for each other and I am genuinely happy for them. Best friends for 20+ years finally getting married - it is beautiful. It makes me believe that great things can still happen, even late in the game.

Life is still taking very strange turns for me. I've received emails asking what happened with Paul; with David; with all of them. They just weren't the right ones. I'm listening to my gut these days instead of ignoring it. If you listen, its not that hard to hear. What is your gut telling you about YOUR life?

Monday, December 27, 2010

I am trying to shake this funk. After Christmas blues? PMS? I hate being this way. A new year is coming and I need to just figure my shit out. I've been asleep for 2 days - no exaggeration. I finally got outside today to do errands. It is time to get back on the healthy eating wagon too - been a bit off in the ditch lately on that one. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not working. I bitch when I'm working too much, then I get time off and have NO IDEA how to relax. This is where some great, sexy guy needs to invite me to the Bahamas. ;-) Uh, HELLO? You out there? I have the rest of the week off...

I think I have a better chance of sprouting wings and flying. My friend Jenny told me to go buy a good horror movie to cheer myself up.

I want to go swimming, but the pool isn't heated. I need a pool heater. That is next on the list. The pool boys came today and made it blue again, but it is ice water. Bah. I'm grumpy, somebody cheer me up...

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Hope you are all having a wonderful Christmas. Mine has been pretty great. Here are pics of Mags and Lou enjoying their toys from Santa.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

I received the results to my biopsy today and here's what the doctor said:

"I have good news for you, it isn't as bad as we thought - you're going to be just fine. Merry Christmas."

I'm going to be just fine.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Here is the pool that matches the grass...and the dogs in their new duds. Maggie is sporting her blue diaper and Lou in his Tinkle Belt with added Kotex. ("Always" Pads - with wings!) This is what my life has turned into. (I'm sure that's what they are thinking too.)

I'm supposed to be off for the next 10 days on holiday...but...yeah right. My boss laughed at that one. Sometimes it really sucks to be the "go to" person. I'm celebrating my second Christmas tomorrow (first one was with the kid) with my Godmother and fam. I have done no wrapping. Gift bags it is!

California is flooding. It took me two hours to get home tonight. WTF?? This is CALIFORNIA, it is NOT supposed to do this here...

I seem to be loving the periods today.... .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Monday, December 20, 2010

Yes, my last post was gloomy. Sorry. It is therapeutic to write what I feel, so that happens.

The pool water is green now. Bright green. We got it drained, but it continues to pour rain, so it looks BAD.

I got the pups doggy diapers. It is quite entertaining to watch them navigate with them on. LOL. I will take pics. Lou's is called a "Tinkle belt", and it recommends putting a Kotex in it to help. So yes, my male dog wears a Kotex pad. Hey, it will be a lot less messy around here!!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Sometimes I struggle with the will to live. It seems like the bad outweighs the good so often that it is hard to keep a positive attitude. I know this is depressing and not what anyone ever wants to hear or read. Life is truly disappointing to me. I've worked so hard to do what I'm supposed to do; to try and the see the good in everything and everyone; to do the right things; to keep going no matter what; to fight for what I believe in. I always get beat down. How many times do you keep getting up? Is it worth it? I keep thinking about the scene in "The Pursuit of Happyness" where Wil Smith is sitting in the subway bathroom with his son, crying. I feel like that most of the time. It isn't God's fault, it isn't bad luck, it isn't that I have been lazy or unkind. It is just life. That movie, which was based on a true story, has a happy ending. Do I have a happy ending? I keep thinking to myself; what if surgery doesn't get rid of my cancer? How will I live out my days? What will I be able to say about my life? That I failed miserably at everything? And then I think, what if surgery does get rid of the cancer like it is supposed to? How will I live out my days? How will I change my life to be more appreciative of it? I know you are supposed to press on; to keep moving forward. But I have to tell you, that is very, very hard sometimes.

The pool is overflowing. NEAT. It wont stop raining.

I'm so not 25 anymore.  The party is just getting going and I'm ready for freaking bed.  Sad. I looked pretty good at the beginning now I'm wet from the rain with mascara running down my face and some chick just grabbed my ass. Yup. God help me.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Well his true colors came out and I am done. So disappointing but it is what it is.   My friend Mario invited me to a party tonight and I'm going to get my mind off of things.  I could use a few drinks.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Guess who cranked out Christmas shopping in 2 days?? YEAH, ME. HA! Everything else? Don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going, or what to do when I get there. My mom said something rather profound the other day. She said I was "searching" and she patted her heart. I asked her what she meant. She said I have been "searching" for a long, long time and haven't found what I'm looking for yet. I asked her to clue me in to what I am looking for since I don't have the foggiest. She doesn't know, but she doesn't think it has anything to do with a man. She thinks I am searching for what I was meant for in this life. Apparently I am restless and unsatisfied. She is right. I am very restless, and thing are never quite right.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I am confused, upset and extremely stressed out. I'm working nights right now at work because there is so much to do and I can't even concentrate. I don't know what's going on with Paul and I - he is upset, he upset me and I have no idea what to do. I can't take the drama right now. Christmas is even stressing me out. I have not decorated, shopped or anything. FUCK.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I always thought girls were the ones who went too fast with their emotions. My first thought was that I have somehow fucked up a fairytale, but I have cleared my head, remained calm, and I am not sure it is me. Maybe someone out there can shed some light. I really need some help. Some unbiased advice.

Everything was going great. Perfect. Better than perfect. I was enjoying every minute. We had an absolute amazing day yesterday. Then, all in the course of a few minutes, he cranked up the volume and I am still not quite sure what happened or how it started. To make a long story short, he is ready for this mega serious relationship and I'm like "huh?". Call me crazy, but dating for a month does not a stable relationship make. I want commitment, I want to fall in love, I want a serious relationship....but I need some time to make the assessment that I've found the right person first. He is correct in that we aren't getting any younger, but Holy God gimme a break. I really, really like him. I probably just lost him because he got seriously emotional and I was as cold as a stone. What does that mean?

I went from crawling guy to sprinting guy. WTF?? Where is the happy medium? I really like this guy and I don't know what to do. I am just not willing to rush into anything, and the one thing I know about myself is NO ONE can force me into anything anymore. Am I being too fearful because of my past, or am I being sensible? Is is reasonable to think that if he really cares for me that he will understand and chill out, or am I making the mistake of a lifetime in saying I need more time and need to take it a little slow (but not too slow)?

Thursday, December 09, 2010

I have been going back and forth with myself about blogging. Some days I just want to disappear and never come back, but then something brings me back. My life seems more private to me now on some level and I just don't want certain things public, but yet I have the need to write. I can't believe some of you who have been coming here for years - it is such a compliment that I don't want to let you down even though I have a hard time believing any of this shit is interesting to you.

I had my biopsy. OUCH. Won't know results for a couple weeks. Seeing Paul tomorrow. Yay! I told him to run away far from the likes of me but he won't listen. He took me to a fancy Japanese place for dinner and as I was eating my sushi appetizer, I was talking, and I thought I was preparing a bite of salad to put in my mouth but instead I shoveled in a huge glob of WASABI. I choked until tears were running down my cheeks. He can't say he wasn't warned. LOL

Monday, December 06, 2010

He was waiting by the curb when I arrived to escort me inside.  This is the bouquet he gave to me.  Perhaps I will write about my weekend another time, I am exhausted.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Many random things...

1. A girl I work with got a boob-job, and she came back to work today. One of our coworkers (another girl thank God) waltzed right up to her remarking about it, and starting FONDLING her new boobs. I'm so not kidding. After I realized that what I was seeing was actually real, I snorted coffee through my nose and busted into laughter for about 30 minutes.

2. Maggie has had diarrhea ALL DAY and my mom has been complaining about the cleanup for an hour now. I guess I don't blame her. GROSS. I just bought a gallon of Nature's Miracle because the dogs are WAY out of control lately. Don't know what to do.

3. I can't keep food down. Don't know WTF that is about.

4. I am NOT looking forward to all my fricking doctor's appointments tomorrow. I'm getting an ultrasound in the morning and a boob-mashing at noon. (Mammogram). Fun. :-/

5. Working 12 hour shifts is killing me and Paul read me the riot act tonight about it. This is actually an interesting story, so that is what I'll focus on. That, and I like to talk about Paul. If you haven't noticed. I'm killing the "DATING BUZZ:" because it's lame and there is only Paul, so it is not necessary. I never claimed to be cool. Oh, I finally got around to breaking it off with David. It was harder than I thought; I'm not good at that sort of thing. I felt bad.

Anyway, Paul said my voice sounded funny tonight. I told him I was just burnt out. Being that he knows quite a bit about me after talking for 1 to 2 hours a night, every night, for over two weeks now - he decided I need to take a leave of absence for medical reasons for about a month so that I can concentrate on sleeping and getting better. He is apparently really concerned about me. This is what he said:

Paul: "I really want you to get well. What about US? If something happens to you, WHAT WOULD I DO?? I mean it! I've spent my whole life looking for you...WHAT WOULD I DO?"

WHOA. I did not know how to respond to that.

Me: "uh...I don't know what to say."

Paul: "Say you will look into a medical leave of absence so I can sleep at night."

Holy crap.