Thursday, October 28, 2010

I am having a nervous breakdown. No joke. I have been trying to stay upbeat, but the truth is I am not well. For the longest time now I have managed to keep it together and move forward despite what came at me, but the last few weeks have kicked the shit out of me. I can't go into detail but I'm worried about my job, I am worried about my health and I can't do this anymore. The pressure is intense and I don't know which will come first, me collapsing, getting fired or just giving up. I can only take so much. I am losing my cool and now I'm starting not to care. I've never done that - NEVER. Dangerous territory. I think I'm just burnt out and tired. There doesn't seem to be any break; the crap doesn't let up. I have been beat up one too many times. I asked for help today, but there is no help. I can't seem to muster up any faith this time. What the hell happened to me?

I was supposed to go out tonight with my friends and instead I came back to the hotel because I can't breathe. Literally. I just crawled into bed and stared into space. I am systematically losing everything; including my mind.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

In Seattle for the week

Flew in last night and I'm staying at the coolest place - the Edgewater. Travel stories later, pics for now. I have a bear table!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Dinner and a movie

Made stirfry and watched the whole nine yards.  Such a funny flick.  There are so many other things I need to be doing but screw it, life is too short.

He cancelled - sick. He emailed the cancellation and asked if he could see me before I left town (business trip). I said no. I have plans tomorrow night and then I leave Tuesday night, and if he is sick, I don't want it. He is gonna have to wait I guess. So with the day free, I went to Chico's. I bought stuff - the stuff I posted a pic of awhile back. I am slowly replacing my entire wardrobe - nothing fits anymore! Too big! I also got a new phone - a "Droid 2". No more Crackberry - (except my work phone is a crackberry). I looooove it! I've decided I want an Apple iPad now. I will put the hint out to Santa.
I'm going out on a third date with David tomorrow. I have no idea what time, where or what we are doing, but yeah, I accepted the invitation. Should I just bash my head into a wall now? Yeah, I'm in a pissy mood. Actually I've been pissed off for about 2 straight weeks. At everything. Can't pinpoint the exact reason.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Halloween nails and new blingy flip flops. The little things in life make me happy.

I need a vacation so bad. I am burnt out.

Well it looks like I will remain a respectable girl for now. As nice as he is, I don't do games or waiting around bullshit. He seems to think dating revolves around HIS time table. Um...NOPE. Seeing him once every 1 to 2 weeks and not knowing when the next date will be until the night before doesn't work for me. I am busy too, and I don't ask how high when he says jump. No in-between phone calls and a only a short email here and there, does not scream "really interested" to me. So he may be S.O.L., I have a drawer full of toys. LOL. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect some puppy dog following me around, but come ON, a little enthusiasm please. Gee-zus.

I just got home from work. I got into an argument with my boss (not good) and if my house was already sold I probably would have walked. I'm so tired of everyone's shit. I am good at what I do and I'm sorry, I'm too old old to kiss anyone's ass or be condescended to. One of my "boys" overheard the argument and went out of his way to tell me I was the best boss he has ever had and "wasn't just saying that". So I guess if I get fired for not backing down, at least I know someone appreciates my demand for quality.

Monday, October 18, 2010

I swear to God I was born with a man's brain. I am getting wined and dined, doors opened for me, led into a room...all the things a girl wants a guy to do, and what is going through my head? SEX SEX SEX Day and night. It is driving me batshit. If only he knew. LOL Maybe I should tell him...something tells me he'd be OK with it. Ha. I want to take the flowers he is handing me, smell them, then throw them behind me and push him down on the ground. What is wrong with me?? I am trying to be a respectable girl, but I don't know how much longer that will last.

After all the deaths in my family and my divorce, the doctor had me on all kinds of pills. Anxiety pills, depression pills, you name it. I HATE pills. About a month ago, I chucked them all into the garbage. Quit cold turkey. I guess they were keeping the beast within at bay; that numb feeling, because it is unleashed now and HOLY CHRIST I am like a walking porno.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

It is a beautiful evening. I am sitting at an outside coffee/bakery shop in Downtown Disney listening to a really good acoustic guitar band. Lights and palm trees - the band is playing Beethoven's 5th with a flamenco flair. I feel like dancing...
Busy weekend and I'm not done yet! Saw the kid off to college Friday morning in Hollywood (took the day off work), went to the Kings game Friday night (a blast!), went on another date with David on Saturday which resulted in a romantic interlude down at Dana Point ;-) and I am at a champagne brunch down at the beach currently. On my way to Disneyland for a few hours then I'm not sure what. I'm taking a business trip to Seattle at the end of October and am looking forward to seeing my friends.

I have a ton of pics to share but I haven't been home to download them!

Until tonight...

Friday, October 15, 2010

I'm at a hockey game - Go LA Kings! I love me some Jack Johnson! More later.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The TO DO list.

1. Find a way to sell my house because then I would actually have money.
2. Get my Cali driver's license. The last appointment I had I missed because I circled the parking lot for an hour trying to get a parking space.
3. Find out why my shoulders hurt and get then fixed so I can join the local boxing club and make them hurt again.
4. Find a way to get my backlog caught up at work without killing myself so everyone will shut the fuck up and I can have a life.
5. Go to tbe dentist.
6. Give the pups a bath. Stinky little fuzzbutts.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

But make no mistake, I'm not holding my breath. I like to breathe.
Well I went on my coffee date today despite my not wanting to date anymore. It was actually very nice. He is a nice man. We met up at a quaint little coffee shop at Laguna Beach. It was gorgeous outside and we sat on a bench overlooking the ocean drinking our coffee. We talked for 2 hours. He asked if he could see me again and when I said yes, he got a big smile on his face. When we said our goodbyes he gave me a big hug and kissed my cheek. Very sweet.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

My therapist (who I have to talk to on the phone with now because he is in WA) has declared "No more online dating for you.". LOL! I have to say I agree. I will not be renewing. This is insanely stupid. I will just have to hope to meet someone the old fashioned way. Unfortunately all I do is work and come home so that will be difficult, but I need a life anyway. He asked me what are some things I would like to do for self fulfillment and my answer was digital photography classes and maybe volunteering with a local Cairn Terrier rescue group. So perhaps I will look into those things rather than spend hours online.
Oh also, before I forget, to all of you wonderful people who have been leaving your kind and encouraging comments, thank you. It means a lot to me and I apologize for being lax in my response. Thanks for putting up with my crazy venting and complaining. ;-)

Friday, October 08, 2010

I am the unluckiest person in the world. I don't even feel like explaining why.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Seven days in Ketosis and I'm down 7 pounds. I feel great! 57 pounds total! This is amazing! I am going to get to my goal weight fast and I really never thought I could. The down side is stretch marks. UG. No bread, no potatoes, no sugar, no dairy, no alcohol, no cheat meals. It isn't as hard as I thought!! Once you get to your goal weight you can go back to a normal, balanced diet and then just do "maintenance" ketosis once or twice a year for a few weeks to detox. Totally doable.

The new guy I've been talking to asked me out for coffee so we will see how that goes. OMG this blog is turning into the Jerry Fucking Springer show.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

I'm trying to get back up on the horse. I have been talking with someone new and he is much different. A little older, sophisticated. Refreshing. Not boring, but not too intense either. I am guarded, but not bitter. He is local. I give up on trying so hard and have decided to just "be". I just hope I don't have to notify the authorities about my online liasons anymore. UG

It has been pouring here the last few days. Feels like home! LOL. I miss my nightly swims though - a little too chilly. I miss my ma too. She is coming back Saturday! She keeps me laughing and makes me go outside. Hehe. I tend to isolate when alone.

Monday, October 04, 2010

I give up.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
aaaaaand I was right. He is a scam artist. I took care of the situation. He won't be calling anymore. ;-) How do these people find me?
Crap. He called and called and texted and emailed. I finally gave in and answered. He isn't letting go. Gary. Why is everything so complicated? Why can't anything ever be simple?

Sunday, October 03, 2010

Question for the guys out there...

I am a little old fashioned and believe the man should pursue the woman, but since I am new to dating (haven't since, oh, 1992 or so), I want to know if men still prefer that. I would NEVER ask a guy out, but with online dating, do you think it is a turn off for a woman to "wink" first, or should I wait for the wink? Just curious. I've always been told that if a guy (a real man) is interested he will make the first move and doesn't want the woman to - likes a little challenge. I have no clue. I can't change who I am, but wondering if a little flirting first is OK. I am looking for a quality guy, not some pretty boy idiot.
Must have's from Chico's...

'Lil black dress, black leather jacket and faux fur vest.

Saturday, October 02, 2010

Grocery shopping with Crazydogmama

I'm in love with Ideal Protein Products, they are YUMMY - I got sick of Bistro MD and it became too expensive. I did lose 50 pounds, but what I'm doing now is working really well and I love what it is doing to my body (getting everything right on the inside). It is reasonable because you do your own dinners and sauces/spices. (Walden Farms for those!) Since I like to cook and like fresh food it works better for me. I will also be off ALL my medications within 3 months or so. Yay! It's a bitch at first, though. My body is so completely messed up. Once I am out of detox (phase 1) I will start on P90X. I can't workout that hard with limited carbs - so for now I am walking, swimming and doing some weights - but not to the point of muscle failure. I'm thinking my dating life will improve with a kickass body. Men are all about the visual. LOL First thing I'm going to do when I reach my goal is buy myself a sexy evening dress from Chico's and go OUT. I am also going to post a pic of me in a bikini that day. Oh YES I will! I have a GREAT support team right now that is rooting for me every step of the way. I have made good strides - now for the home stretch!

Me, my new lipstick and my leopard hair thingee.

Its been a rough couple of days detoxing. I am not eating sugar, bread, pasta or any dairy for a time. I am on a doctor's program to get the last of the weight off and get completely healthy. It comes with a price. A monster headache for starters. It will get easier and I will feel great in a month or so. I need to get my hormones in balance, my insulin regulated and all the poison food out of my system.