It is three in the morning and of course I cannot sleep. The doctor, therapist and everyone else is telling me that if I don't get some sleep, I am going to collapse. That something terrible will happen to me. Do you know what I said? I said I didn't care. In retrospect that probably wasn't wise, but that's what I said. I have all these wonderful things finally happening in my life and I still don't care if I live or die. Obviously there is something wrong with me, but it beats the shit out of me what to do about it. I guess the "bad stuff" is still lurking around in my head. I still feel like a fool in many ways. I believed things I shouldn't have believed. I haven't lost my faith, but I feel pretty far from God, if that makes any sense. It's my own fault. It might be that when I think something good is finally happening, it goes nuclear on me. Maybe that's it - I don't believe the good is real anymore (at least not sustaining) so I resist getting excited. Hell, how do you fix that?
If you've been reading my blog for any length of time, you know many of the difficult things I've been through the last few years. Take what I've said here, then multiply it by a 100 and that will equal all the crap that I HAVEN'T talked about on the blog. It's amazing I'm not sitting in the corner rocking back and forth drooling into a cup. LOL
I'm trying. I really am. Some days just kick the shit out of me. Some people, too.
What am I gonna do? I'm gonna ride on...