Friday, April 09, 2010

I can't figure myself out

...and I've known myself a long time! LOL

You'd think I'd be all excited for my date tomorrow, but I'm like...meh. I was excited, but I think my subconscious knows it is probably futile. He is such a nice guy, but I'm just so damn picky. I'm sure it will be fun, but I have zero expectations of anything anymore. I laugh to myself thinking I'm going to go from being "Crazydogmama" to "the Old Crazydoglady" that the children in the neighborhood are afraid of. HA. I'm starting to not really care about the dating thing anymore. It's stupid. It's like trying to convince people you are "worthy" or something. Screw that. I'm too old to put on aires, play games or be on my best behavior. Maybe I'm just in a crap mood, I don't know. I'm even sick of talking to people online. NY guy said "Where did you go?? I haven't talked to you in two days!". I guess I'm feeling like what's the fucking point? There have only really been two people I was truly interested in; one wasn't real (and I don't mean my ex), and the other is a pipe dream. There is fantasy, and then there is reality. Reality ain't so great. And then of course there are the guys I'm not the least bit interested in that won't leave me alone. Figures.

Okay, maybe I'm a little grouchy, but seriously...what now? Work. Sleep. Eat. Yippee. I'm getting my life together and all - you know, working on myself, that sort of thing, but I keep saying to myself what next? Got a career, check. Losing weight, check. Getting my financial situation in control (slowly), check. Interact with my friends on a regular basis, check. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do, but it doesn't seem satisfying. I dream of finding love, but another person doesn't make you happy, YOU have to make YOU happy first. I know that. But what is happy? What is content? Something is missing. It always has been.

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