Some of my favorites from shitmydadsays. These types of things make me happy. I can't help it.
"You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet."
(left on answering machine) "Hello? Hello? It's Sam. Anyone there? Nobody checks this god damned thing. HELLO?! HELLO?! Screw it."
"Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in tennessee, I think."