Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The most dangerous thing

They say the most dangerous thing is to lose hope. Well, that can certainly be true, but what I've found is that the most dangerous thing is to not even know what to hope FOR.

I woke up this morning after very broken sleep, feeling very numb. Very disappointed. I don't know what to do. I have no clue. I don't know how to be; what to think. I just drove into work like a programmed robot. What is my next move? How do I survive? Do I care what happens?

I don't feel well. My stomach churns. My head pounds. My chest aches. I do not have the flu. If you want happy and warm and fuzzy, this is not the place for you hang out I guess. I tell you what's real for me. No BS. No manufactured sunshine. This is how it is. I'm surviving, for now, but what is next? How long will I last? How do I write this next chapter? Life is what you make it, right? But what if you aren't controlling it?

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