Saturday, January 31, 2009
My friend Jenny is the best. We click really well and we can both totally let our guard down and be ourselves around each other without worrying. It is so nice. We didn't do anything super exciting - just spent time together. Our cinnamon rolls turned out AWESOME and her really great kids were my buddies for the day. She has 3 boys - 8, 10 and 15, and they are the most well behaved little gentlemen I've ever met. Now, you know how I feel about kids most of the time, right? I don't hate kids or anything, I just want to run when they are obnoxious and not well parented. For some reason, though, kids dig me. I think I've said something about this before, but to remind you, it is probably because I am the biggest sucker in the world and I also talk to them like they are adults. Jenny knows all of this about me, so when her two youngest were hugging on me and asking me questions, then begged me to play cards with them - Jenny was watching with a big smile on her face. I taught them a new card game (2-card rummy) and they were all jazzed. Jenny just sat back and watched all of us and at the end of the night she told me how great I was with her boys and that it was so neat for her to watch. (That almost made me cry.) As weird as this is to admit - I enjoyed it. Her kids, I mean. They made me laugh and I haven't felt that way for a long time. And I didn't swear at all! (Just so you know.) LOL. Maybe I should have had kids. Oh well. I'll just hang out with everyone else's. My step son is all grown up now and I don't see him much - but we still have a great relationship. He calls me every once in awhile to see how I'm doing. He is a sweetheart, too. He has always called me "his Crazydogmama".
I'm going to spend the day with with a girly friend of mine making homemade cinnamon rolls from scratch (she used to work in a bakery), do some venting and of course, for all you guys out there, we'll work in a pillow fight in our underwear somewhere. LOL
Friday, January 30, 2009
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:
"Live by the sword, die by the sword" is a metaphorical expression meaning that living one's life in a certain way will, in the end, affect one's destiny. The proverb comes from the Book of Matthew, verse 26:52, which describes the apostle Peter drawing a sword to defend Jesus against Roman soldiers, but is told to sheath the weapon:
"Then said Jesus unto him, Put up again thy sword into his place: for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword."
—Matthew 26:52, King James Version
While the expression strictly-interpreted means “those who live by violence will die by violence”, it is also used for a variety of situations which contain an element of poetic justice. For instance the proverb could be used to describe a person who regularly drives under the influence and is ultimately killed in a vehicle accident caused by their intoxication. A deeper meaning aludes to "those who judge will be judged" in reference to Mathew 7:2 and Luke 6:37 which can also be interpreted as poetic justice for those observed to be wrongfully condemning others. Other variants on this phrase are also commonly used.
I like to think of it as "what goes around comes around". It truly will, my friends. Eventually. A man who spends his life bitter, will die a bitter man. I think sometimes all of us lose sight of things. We get consumed with the details and frustrations of life and forget who we are - who we need to be. Maybe even, who we used to be. I had a conversation with a friend this morning about this and it brought some things into perspective for me. I know who I am. I may not know what the hell I'm doing (LOL), but I know who I am. I also know who I'm striving to become. It is getting easier and easier to let things go, to forgive, to care even when it seems futile - to simply know that all will meet its own fate and that I need not worry myself with so many things. Yes, I worry about how to pay the bills and whatnot, but in the grand scheme of things, what the hell does fear accomplish? NOTHING. It just makes you sick. I am a glowing testament. Sometimes it is necessary to take action, and sometimes it is necessary to sit back and breathe. Let nature take its course, so to speak. I believe I am in a time of waiting; watching. I asked for peace; prayed for wisdom. Seems ironic there was an earthquake right after that...hehe. But I'm feeling a bit more peaceful today, so my prayer was answered. My problems are not yet solved, but I'm sure a solution will present itself soon.
OK, I've gone from Dark, to Deep here in the last few days. Let's see what could be next...Delusional? Demented? Derranged? Dorky? I know what my best guess is...what's yours? hahahahaha.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I've made lots of new friends online lately, and I wanted to mention one in particular. I believe I have a kindred spirit over at "The Truth Hurts". Jeffery is an excellent poet and writes from the heart. Something I can appreciate! He apparently ran across my blog accidentally and decided to join my "follow my blog" list. I just noticed it and started reading his blog today, but I'm intrigued already and know I will enjoy his style. Go check him out!
There has been such a flurry of activity on my Crackberry lately - holy MOLY. I am getting about 100 emails a day that I have to return and it feels like a full time job! That PLUS text messages, blogging, keeping up with my daily reads and trying to work! I am busy, that's for sure! It is my hobby, though, so I enjoy it. At least it keeps me from staring into space or drooling into a cup ~ which is what I'd probably be doing right about now.
Anyway, I am tired from the week of insomnia and sickness, so I'm going to turn in early. Until the wee hours my beloved readers....
Oh, and I found my "safe" food for the moment. (Food that doesn't come back up). Oreos. I guess I'll be living on Oreos for awhile. Neat!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Life has taken a serious turn for me and I truly do not know what to do. I'm at a complete loss. I guess this is where faith comes in, although I have zee-ro faith in humankind right now. I could experience more hardship and pain, or everything could turn on a dime. Who knows? I'm trying to find some hope. Something to look forward to. Something to care about. It is not easy. Some days I just want to drive off of a cliff and other days I think I'm being prepared for some kind of destiny. You know, cuz I'm so special and shit. ;-)
Well, this "Booze-Hound Bimbo" (I swear I'm going to have that made into a T-shirt! LOL) is gonna have a drink or two or forty tonight. I need a break from reality.
They say the most dangerous thing is to lose hope. Well, that can certainly be true, but what I've found is that the most dangerous thing is to not even know what to hope FOR.
I woke up this morning after very broken sleep, feeling very numb. Very disappointed. I don't know what to do. I have no clue. I don't know how to be; what to think. I just drove into work like a programmed robot. What is my next move? How do I survive? Do I care what happens?
I don't feel well. My stomach churns. My head pounds. My chest aches. I do not have the flu. If you want happy and warm and fuzzy, this is not the place for you hang out I guess. I tell you what's real for me. No BS. No manufactured sunshine. This is how it is. I'm surviving, for now, but what is next? How long will I last? How do I write this next chapter? Life is what you make it, right? But what if you aren't controlling it?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
One time around the block
two times around the clock
three times don't cross the little lady
So pretty and oh so bold
got a heart full of gold on a lonely road
she said "I don't even think that God can save me"
(Am I) gaining ground
(Am I) losing face
(Am I) lost and found by Saving Grace
Thankful for the gift my Angel's gave me
We die alone
nuttin' but sittin' here by the phone
waitin for the Lord to send my callin'
Street wise from the boulevard
Jesus only knows that she tries too hard
she's only tryin' to keep the sky from fallin'
If any man says it's Heaven and Hell
Prob'ly got somethin' useless to sell
You ask me if I'm saved but what's it to ya?
Blow a quarter
cop another eight
you're runnin' out of hide
you're losin' your faith
Throw your hands up and scream
halleluiah halleluiah halleluiah halleluiah halleluiah Amen
One time around the sun
another year older and my work ain't done
It's time for me to write the final chapter
Deal the cards and roll the dice
sex drugs and rock'n roll are my only vice
tryin' to figure out just what's here after
halleluiah halleluiah halleluiah halleluiah halleluiah halleluiah Amen
Clips from the movie "Freeway". This and Pulp Fiction make me happy when I'm in a mood. Watch ALL of both clips. (If you are as twisted as I am anyway.)
P.S. No, I'm not OK. Alive, but not OK. I'm not really talking to anyone right now.
God help me.
Monday, January 26, 2009
I feel like I'm face down bleeding in the mud and people keep coming by beating me with crowbars. Maybe I'll have a heart attack with my can't-afford- medical-insurance-problem. Then no more problem! Weeeee! Ain't life grand? Fuck ME.
No matter what your situation, good or bad, change is constant. You will never sit idle for too long - even if you try. Change will force itself on you. That is comforting to me right now. I'm sick of being in limbo - feeling like I'm floundering. I'm waiting for a few things so that I know how to proceed forward. Last Friday was part of that, but I didn't get enough info. Moving. When and where? I have made some tentative plans, but that could all change based on other things. Very frustrating. This on top of other things going on for me make for an unstable mood. Even as hard as I try to be positive and upbeat, constant blows can really bring you down. There have been so many for me. You know the old saying "God won't give you more than you can handle."? Well, damn, God must think I'm fricking Zena or something. I've been put through the ringer - not just the last year, but for awhile now. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger? Perhaps. Or maybe what doesn't kill you now will kill you later. LOL My blood pressure and cortisol levels can't be good right now. I'm not even going to bother with the doctor. Who cares, don't want to hear it.
Yes, I am in the "bad place" right now, and I have brought my blog with me. Forgive my dark posts, but perhaps you can relate. Don't leave me just yet, it will just be a hellava ride for awhile, but it will CHANGE. (See how I brought all that together? Yay me. Haha.) While it's true not every aspect of my life is discussed here, I am honest with regards to my blogging. I think it is beneficial to share some things. I know when I read other blogs, I can sometimes feel a sense of connection with someone who shares an interest or emotion. I think this explains the blogging phenomenon.
I also believe things happen for a reason. I don't always understand the reason, sometimes I don't like the reason and occasionally I never find out the reason - but I don't think we all just randomly walk the earth; things just happening willy nilly. I can look back on many things in my life and understand why things happened the way they did - even if I was oblivious to the reason at the time it happened. Many times what I thought was "bad" turned out to be a big blessing in disguise. For instance, I was fired once for something I didn't do - didn't exactly think that was the grandest thing. But, if that hadn't of happened, many, many good things would not have came to be. I think the people we cross paths with in this life are significant too. Great friendships, life lessons, help for a season for one party or both, whatever it may be - it was meant to be...just the way is was, or is. I remember a girl I was friends with in the 4th grade (Gigi) who had a big impact on the way my sense of humor turned out. Kinda cool, huh? I remember her so well. I wonder if she remembers me. She moved to my school in the 4th grade, and left before the year ended. A short time for such a big impact, huh?
OK, I have rambled on for days here...trying to forget the darkness. I will go for now.
I know you are seeking -- which way do I go? I know you are asking -- where is the place for me? There is a place that is perfectly suited. You will know it when you are there. You have thus far followed the right path step by step. I know it has been difficult, and your heart is hurting, but your heart will be healed by God, who has your heart and will set you in the right place. This is a broad place where you will be received with love and joy. You will be needed in this place, even though at first it will not seem so. But continue to trust and have faith, and you will see later.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Sometimes at work it happens. I'll solve some problem some Harvard idiot who is mean to people has been working on for years. You should see the look on their faces. It is super entertaining. I am not the smartest person who ever lived by a long shot, but I have my moments. :-) Life gets the best of me sometimes, though, just like everyone else. I battle with stupid depression and anxiety, and that skews my judgement occasionally.
I have had an interesting life. Much more interesting than what you read here. I have also seen and been through some incredibly horrific things. Things I don't talk about. And never will. With anyone. I made a conscious choice awhile ago to change who I used to be. I haven't always been the kind of person God would be proud of. (I'm still not, really) I have done some really crappy things and I have been really mean in certain circumstances in the past. I went to therapy to solve my anger issues, and I think I have. Which is good for some people. Really good. Being angry and bitter and vengeful just makes you miserable inside - and you end up having so many regrets. I, for one, want to be the kind of person people WANT to know. Want to be with. Being kind and generous and compassionate brings more happiness than millions of dollars. Let me tell you. When you can go to bed at night with a clear conscience, it is the best feeling in the world. No, I'm not perfect. FAR from it. I disappoint myself every day. BUT, I'm trying. I'm trying to be a better person. I do love God - some of you know that. I will let HIM do the judging. However, for anyone who wishes me or those I care about harm, tread lightly.
I have a new friend over at "Jinxed". Funny! I have many stories to share there. I truly am JINXED.
Man I'm tired this morning! It is entirely too early to be up on a Saturday.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Also, I just read something about myself that both surprised me and flattered me. How often does THAT happen? I'm feeling pretty damn special right about now. ;-)
Thursday, January 22, 2009
I've enjoyed the last couple of "nights out" I've had, and I think there just may be some more in store. I may know more tomorrow about some additional big changes for me, but...I can't tell you until I'm sure. Don't want to be premature with this. I've been doing some thinking the last week or so and I'm feeling better and stronger now and maybe even a little frisky! Hehe.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
So girls, are you a Jack girl or a Sawyer (James) girl? I go back and forth.
I kinda feel lost.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Wild Child today with quotes:
"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in a argument."
-William G. McAdoo
"Never look down on anyone unless you're helping them up."
"Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny."
*Back to the ice cold stare look today, Nichole. Sorry. It's all I've got at the moment.
OK, enough with the sappy bullshit. Let's get things back to normal around here. Driving to work this morning I wasn't in the mood for news, traffic or soothing tunes. I popped in an AC/DC cd and cranked it. Mood music. ;-) After rockin' out to Thunderstruck which makes me drive too fast, 'Razor's Edge' came on. Awhile back everyone was trying to come up with a nickname for me (besides Crazydogmama) and we just couldn't do it. I completely forgot that I already have one. Not gonna tell you how I got it, but I'm "The Razor's Edge". Yes, me. Not too many people know about it, but it fits in more than a few ways. So, here's a tribute to my former handle:
There's fighting on the left
And marching on the right
Don't look up in the sky
You're gonna die of fright
Here comes the razor's edge
You're living on the edge
Don't know wrong from right
They're breathing down your neck
You're running out of lives
And here comes the razor's edge
Here comes the razor's edge
The razor's edge
Razor's edge, to raise the dead
Razor's edge, to cut to shreds
To raise the dead
Here comes the razor's edge
Here comes the razor's edge
Well here it comes to cut to shreds
The razor's edge
The razor's edge [It's the razor's edge]
Gotta razor's edge [Well, the razor's edge]
You'll be cut to shreds [that you'll be cut to shreds]
by the razor's edge [gotta razor's edge]
Gotta razor's edge [by the razor's edge]
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I have some really great friends. REALLY great. I would be dead without them. Literally. They are always there to pick me up off the ground just when I think I have no one. Some of them I don't talk with every day and a few I don't see often, but when I need them, they are there. They don't always tell me what I want to hear, but they don't judge me and they sit and cry with me. They pray for me. They've lent me money when they had very little themselves. They answer texts at 3am. They panic when I don't blog for 24 hours or answer my emails. They love me even when I'm out of control or being high maintenance. (Me? High Maintenance? Nah. HAHAHAHA) I would die for them. I am there for every one of you. Forever. Thank you.
So I have a mentally retarded dog, Louie, who pees in his own bed. I woke up this morning to the lovely smell of urine because his little cheetah bed is next to mine. YUCK. Fortunately, I bought the kind of dog bed you can throw in the washer, or so it said. So I threw it in the washer. I am also apparently mentally retarded. Water came spewing out of the washer EVERYWHERE and it started going CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK, moved about a foot until its cord was yanked out of the wall, then shut off. Awesome.
This is the week from hell.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
To free or deprive of illusion.
1. The act of disenchanting.
2. The condition or fact of being disenchanted.
disappointed at finding out reality does not match one's ideals
Yeah, this describes how I'm feeling. Especially the adjective definition. I don't know why I'm surprised. Why would I expect that any of my ideals existed? You can fall in love with an ideal, but don't be fooled. I'm angry. I am not directly involved, at least not anymore, but I'm sickened by some behavior I've run across. It seems some people can so easily bash and slander, yet they cannot or will not acknowledge what is in their own heart. Maybe hate is what is really in their heart. Let me give some advice for what it's worth. Fill your life with compliments and truth and wear your heart on your sleeve. Be transparent. Yeah, sometimes you get clobbered, but some of life's best and most important moments will more likely fill your heart that way. You will be able to say what you want to say without regret - you can put yourself out there and find what you're looking for. Does it always work? No. But if it doesn't, it wasn't worth it anyway. Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation causes death. Death to the soul.
It's not too late. Start now. You might be surprised at what awaits you.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
I was reminded of a story this morning - it's kinda gross, but funny. I guess. I call it "Karma".
Once upon a time I was dating this idiot. He worked at a pizza place at the time. I had gone in to to see him with my friends while he was working and he offered to make me a personal pizza. I said sure, of course. He decided that hiding about 50 EXPIRED anchovies (the large ones that look like eels and taste like death) under my cheese would be funny. I took a huge bite, then abruptly puked all over the table. HAHA. Have fun cleaning up the puke, dilhole. I left. We stopped dating. :-) I can take a prank, but don't mess with my food.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Every now and then I wake from the most disturbing dreams. I actually wake up crying and physically distraught. This has happened all my life. They aren't your horror-movie type dreams, but realistic life situation dreams that upset me terribly. A few have actually come to pass - which is why I think I get so rattled. Last night I had such a dream. It took me a good half an hour to calm down. Even when I wake up and realize it wasn't real, my body still keeps reacting from the trauma for awhile because it felt so real in the dream. It is terrible. I'm fine now, but it stays on my mind throughout the day. Thank God it doesn't happen very often. I'm trying to concentrate on happy things right now, or things that would MAKE me happy. It helps. I feel exhausted. I would tell you about the dream, but it really isn't something you want to read about. Truly.
It is rainy and dark and gloomy today, but at least it isn't blizzarding or flooding. I am solemn and quiet and just trying to get my work done so I can go home. I did buy one more cookbook. Just ONE, last night. For 5 bucks. But it was an important one:
Perhaps I will make something from in there tonight.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Oh here's something: It is official. I can never be President. They do not let the President have a Blackberry. (Safety reasons). Mr Obama is freaking out according to the news because he is an addict too. I'd probably say something like fuck it, I'm the President, the rules are changing, screw safety. But I'm crazy.
Going through CD's, Books and movies to sell - listening to "My Sharona", which I'm keeping cuz it rocks. Getting rid of an assload of stuff and it feels good to purge. I have two huge bins of crap. It is amazing how much stuff you accumulate - I haven't even LOOKED at some of this stuff in many years. Forgot I even had some of it. The rule: if you haven't used it in the last year, it goes. Next, I'm going through my closet of clothes. Yikes.
I love me some Jack. "24" did not air last year with the stupid strike, so I have been Jackless for a year! The two hour season premiere is Sunday night. Wooooo! I also love Tony. Tony is almost as good as Jack. Thank God I have 24 and Lost coming back because I really, really miss True Blood. By the way, I'm liking Sam better than Bill now. I think. There are very few things I watch anymore on TV - it all pretty much sucks, except the aforementioned shows. I still like a couple of sitcoms, but I am so disappointed in most everything that has come out.
I am looking forward to some ass-kicking. See Jack facts.
I've been hobbling around all night with my back, and I also hurt my foot. I am such a mess. I don't really want to go to bed because I know it will make my back worse, but I have nothing to do. Well...nothing I want to do. I'm trying to refrain from eating anymore frigging oatmeal pie thingees. I have already consumed enough. ENOUGH. I think I'll have just one more. Damn it! I need a new hobby.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Friday, January 09, 2009
Went out last night (dinner) but not sure about my weekend plans yet. I have to work late because the crazy flooding left only one way out of town for me, which resulted in gridlock this morning. It made me super happy and accelerated my good mood. :-/
Thursday, January 08, 2009
The single most important feature in a house for me is nice, new, GOOD carpeting.
I CANNOT eat Oreos without milk.
Everything on my desk at work has to be angled in the same direction.
If someone has a zit, I beg them to let me pop it. I love puss. :-)
They are usually uncoopertive.
I cannot keep a plant alive to save my life.
I will not wear a turtle neck. Ever.
I HATE clutter, but it doesn't bother me if other people have it.
I hate dusting.
I usually only wear black socks.
The only kind of olive I will eat is a Kalamata, and the only mushroom I like is a shitake.
I love milk with everything.
If I can, I pay bills the same day they come in the mail.
I will mostly talk about anything, but there are a few things I don't like to talk about at all with anyone.
I can figure out almost ANYTHING on a computer (eventually), but I have trouble putting a box together.
I fell in the shower once and got a concussion.
I would really like to go parasailing one day.
Your result for the "Are you a good kisser?" test...
Congratulations! You scored ###%!
You know all the tricks, my friend. Calm and confident, there's no one you can't please. You love a good time and usually are the one who makes it good!
Your result for the "What kind of girl are you?" test...
You scored 76 looks, 75 personality, 82 politics, and 66 sex drive
I have been sooo tired lately. I get home from work and collapse before 9 pm - sometimes as soon as I get home at 4:30 pm. I'm getting 8 hours of sleep or more and am still tired the next day - and I don't recall tossing and turning like I usually do. I haven't had any alcohol lately. No sleeping pills. My anxiety is up, which is all I can think of. I still get dry heaves with my anxiety. WTF? I have been to 3 specialists, and they can't find anything physically wrong with me - except that I get anxiety, which is no surprise with everything that has gone on, and is going on with my life. I have temporary anxiety meds, but I've been taking them awhile and this tired thing is new. It is impossible for me to be pregnant and I've been to the doctor many times and they come up with nothing. Am I losing it? Is it just stress? I don't feel particularly stressed, although there are some things bothering me. Is it depression? I'm trying to just put things in the past and move forward, but maybe I have lived with it for so long I don't know how to feel any different. I don't know. This sucks. Somebody take me to the Bahamas, will ya? Shit.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Yes, you could say this about me, but I'm talking about the stupid weather. First we had crazy snow, then the glorious rain came, now the glorious rain is stupid rain and is flooding everything. It took me forever to get to work this morning and my windshield wipers are doing this "schwooop...squeak...schwooop...squeak" thing that makes me want to drive off of a cliff. I reserve the right to complain about whatever I want, so don't get all self righteous on me! I went to bed (fell asleep) right in the middle of texting someone at 8:30. Nice of me, huh? I was soooo pooped after my gigantic shrimp feast. I finally had that phone interview yesterday - the weather screwed up the first one. It went well, and I think I may have a pretty good shot at this one. It is actually a supervisory position. Scary! I've never been a boss before. We'll see what happens.