Tuesday, September 30, 2008
After my minor meltdown the other day, I experienced what I call 'dead calm'. Everything that had been haunting me and puzzling me, came into focus. My emotions stopped, and my brain started. Everything was suddenly (eerily) crystal clear to me. I have been "calm, cool and collected" ever since. Even at this moment. What seemed so impossible to me before, doesn't seem so complicated now. I don't know why. Perhaps I'm using the left half of my brain more?
I don't go to therapy much anymore, but I did go today and she said some things to me that made me feel pretty good. She told me that despite all the difficulties and tragedy that I have been through in such a short period of time, that I have progressed in mental "maturity" at a staggering rate. My thinking is different. She said she has never had a client that tackled their challenges so forcefully and successfully, so quickly. My brain waves were the most calm and stable today since I started therapy (EEG Biofeedback) - which means I am finally operating without debilitating anxiety and fear. I was extremely calm, logical and rational (I know, I know, you don't believe it...). I was actually articulating my thought process well. I still have some "life navigating" to do (don't we all) - but it is controlled and thought out now, rather than a jumble of ideas rattling around going nowhere.
She could have just been pumping sunshine up my ass to boost my esteem, but truly, for the first time, maybe EVER, I feel like I'm finally moving forward in my life with a lot more confidence, and a lot less crazy. And I'm not taking any crap. Look out world. ;-)
Monday, September 29, 2008
Well, I need more than a hug, but my life doesn't work that way.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
I wake up with a voracious appetite. And I mean voracious! Most people I know don't even eat breakfast - and certainly aren't starving when they wake up. I could eat a steak dinner when I wake up. It's weird, no? During the week I don't get up with enough time to eat, but on the weekends I go straight to the frig. Is there anyone else out there like this? Probably not. LOL
Saturday, September 27, 2008
I'm gonna have to start selling my body to pay for all this crap! LOL
Friday, September 26, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I'm getting in trouble for blogging. Apparently its rude. Go figure.
On the lighter side of life, I love the National Geographic channel. Dogtown will MELT your heart! If it wasn't in Utah, I think I would volunteer there! They help dogs who have been deemed "unhelpable". It is the coolest place EVER. Dogs are so awesome.
One other thing...shhh...don't tell anyone...I have agreed to watch "Dancing with the Stars" with my friends Juice and Hole next Thursday night. Hehe. I told them we should practice during commercials. NO, there will be no video....LOL.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Anyway, I think I'm going to send a bunch of stuff back and quit being stupid and selfish. A friend of mine needs some help, and I'm not exactly financially stable myself.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
This is a great spicy chili recipe if you like that sort of thang...
1.5 lbs ground beef
1 lb ground italian sausage
3 onions, chopped
2 jalepenos (fresh), chopped
1 cup red wine
1 cup water
2 8oz cans tomato paste
28oz of whole tomatoes, diced
2 garlic cloves, crushed
1 15oz can kidney beans
1 15oz can chili beans OR black beans
1/4 cup chili powder (I use spicy)
2 tbsp all-purpose flour
1 tbsp granulated sugar
2 tbsp oregano
1 tbsp basil
1 tsp cumin
1 tbsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp salt
Brown ground beef, sausage, onion and garlic, then drain. Add all other ingredients and simmer on medium heat for 20 minutes, then turn to low and simmer for 1 and a half hours, stirring occasionally. Serve with a dolop of sour cream and shredded cheese.
Makes 12 servings.
Sometimes I add chopped green peppers and tarragon. Use warm tortillas to dip! YUMMY.
Many of you would like to know what is meant by my new mantra at the top "When you learn how to die, you learn how to live.", so instead of answering a bunch of individual emails about it, I thought I'd post about it. I found this statement by accident, really, but I thought it was profound and that it had much truth to it. I'm not Jewish, but it is a quote from a Jewish man named Morrie Schwartz from his book "Tuesdays with Morrie". I think this website explains it the best.
Here are some exerpts to give you a general idea:
"By living each day as if it could be our last, we relate to each life experience passionately, powerfully, and memorably."
"Have you ever experienced something so memorable that it is impossible to forget it? Most of us forget a large percentage of the people we meet, the places we go, the events we experience. But certain things stick out in our minds and are never forgotten. Why? What's special about those memorable times?"
"There don't seem to be too many days or happenings that we lock in like this. How can we produce more experiences and days to be lived as powerfully? Morrie tells us: Learn how to die, and you learn how to live."
Because people generally don't talk about it, I've often wondered about it. What is the first thing you think about when you wake up in the morning? What is the last thing you think about when you go to bed? What dominates your thoughts during the day?
I know everyone has to focus on work or tasks, family matters, that sort of thing, but I suspect, unless I am a complete freak, that other things creep in there - thoughts that repeat themselves for you privately each day.
If you were on a secluded beach somewhere right now - with no worries of finances or work or family, what would your thoughts land on? Where would your mind wander to?
I don't expect you to answer, of course, but because I find myself going back to certain thoughts so frequently (that aren't just the day's agenda) I thought I would put it out there for you to ponder as well. What did reading this post make you think of? You never know, it could be really important!
Anyway, happy thoughts to you!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Here is my new Crackberry charm and matching earrings! (Cuz that is important you know). Yes, I know this is what 12 year old girls do, but I don't care, you see. I don't wanna grow up. Growing up sucks. This made a crapcake day, just a little better! I'm sparkly now and hip with the youth. HA. Not so much. I'm just an old fart looking silly. :-)
Busy, stupid, hair-pulling Monday. Every two minutes someone was bellowing "Are you done with _____ yet?" into my cube. Which I love. But now it's over. Thank God.
And to end my day? A doctor's appointment. YAY. I am asking for drugs. All they can say is no. and they probably will. but I'm gonna try. Like my sentences today?
My mom surprised me and came to take me to lunch. It was very sweet, and an escape for awhile was much needed. Thanks Ma! I had a chicken sand. and an iced mocha.
I can't even blog correctly.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
My new fav show! It is very sexy, disturbing and risqué. It comes on tonight on HBO - it is the third episode. A fresh new twist on vampires - like none I've ever seen. I actually tired of the vamp stuff a long time ago, but this show is really well done, and very unique. I love the chemistry and sexual tension between Sookie and Bill. It makes me HOT! Hehe...
Yes, it has its gore, but truly, it is worth watching in my opinion, even if this isn't your normal kind of thing.
Anyone out there watching it??
Just so you know, Crazydogmama will be the Vampire Hostess at her Halloween party this year...you WON'T want to miss it...
I'm thinking something like this with a little fang and sexy dark makeup...
Saturday, September 20, 2008
This is a shot I took at night that I thought turned out cool. So inviting... I really miss the pool; the warm summer nights.
It is cold, dark and rainy today and I'm sitting by the window drinking some coffee. Maybe I'll put some Bailey's in it. Hehe.
When you go in the pool at night, at first it is a little cold, but then it soon feels like a bathtub and you don't want to get out. I don't know why I like that so much, but I do. Anyway, I am daydreaming about it. One day it won't be a daydream. Maybe many things won't.
Not a good start to the day. Maybe I'll go slam my fingers in the front door next.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Everything I touched today at work was a problem. Ever had one of those days? It was almost funny at a certain point.
Now Louie just puked all over the floor. Super. I'm thinking this day just needs to end now. UG.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Yes, I posted some silly pics. I was bored in the car for the narcissism pics: we have "pucker up and show off the new lip gloss", "trying to be the Rocky Horror Picture Show lips, kinda", "happy thoughts", "deer in the headlights", my martini cohorts Annie and Amy and my chili pepper lights in the tree.
I can't help it anymore.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Thanks for caring. ;-)
I made a breakthrough in therapy today. Finally. This should have been a big "DUH", but it wasn't. I've been making all these changes lately, right? Making some tough decisions, preparing to move away from everything and everyone I know, taking better care of myself, etc. Those are great, but I've still been feeling depressed and stuck and...here's the epiphany...BORED. I'm bored! My therapist listened to me today and all of a sudden started flipping through her notes and looked up and said "You need some stimulation!" I said "Excuse me?" LOL She said you are a 100% adrenaline junkie who has been sitting at home, only occasionally getting out. She said someone like me will never be happy unless I'm stimulating my "adrenaline" somehow. She said I also need to get out and meet people - isolating is a big danger for me.
We talked about some things I might be able to do right away, and we came up with one possibility. Boxing Club. That's right. Boxing. I used to belong about 8 years ago, but had to quit because I was working about 80 hours a week at two jobs. Now I'm not. Boxing is a hoot! It is the BEST workout you will EVER get, and the people there were soooo nice. One of the guys there told me I have a great right hook. ;-)
I hope I can do it. It will take some of the doldrums out and get my blood pumping again. I'll definitely sleep better. GUAR-AN-TEED. Have you ever tried boxing a round? I run out of oxygen in about 45 seconds with sweat POURING off of me. (I know, feminine, but boxing makes you look great naked.)
So, let's recap. I'm bored. The solution? Hit people and get kicked in the head. Awesome.
If I do it, you will be seeing some pretty entertaining pictures. I'm probably going to have to eat less cheese, though.
Monday, September 15, 2008
There was a spider blocking the entrance to my car on the way to the the GYM. I freaked and had 100 lb. JENNY kill it for me. I know, ex-cop afraid of spiders. They make me nuts. I almost shot one once.
Crazydogmama's assessment of the fog this morning. Visibility: not far.
Louie now stands OVER his water dish to eat. He fits so perfectly in my household.
More later, I have to drive fricking home.
Everyone needs these. Magnetic spice cannisters for the frig. They are AWESOME. It frees up space in the pantry, and no more hunting for the right spice! I know you will immediately run out and get them.
I'm gonna post my new clothes purchases later. Try to contain yourself.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I guess you could say this is the "same 'ol stuff", but with new info and a twist. Back to Texas talk. California is pretty much out of the picture completely. I don't want to get into the why's, but it is. I am really thinking more and more that I want to try San Antonio. Everything I read about it flips my lid. I know, I know, every single person I tell this to looks at me like I am one sandwich short of a picnic, but seriously? Texas actually fits my personality perfectly. Many people don't know me as well as they think they do. I am a red-meat-eating, sun-basking, thunderstorm-loving, conservative, bible-belt sort of girl who (sorry Nichole) doesn't always recycle properly. (You all know I think we are gonna die in a nuclear war anyway, which won't be doing the environment any good...LOL) Flooding? The town I live in floods every single year because the river overflows. BAD. And not only that, the snow makes for 9-hour (no joke) commutes in the winter. Snow was fun when I was a kid, but it sucks when you have to drive in it. Bugs? Orkin man. Air conditioning bill? I pay $500 bucks a month NOW in the winter for heat- and almost that much in the summer because I'm constantly watering the million miles of grass I have. (don't tell my mom) Hi mom! But you see, there is one thing here...in Texas, my house would be nicer and cheaper (and WILL have a pool) and I could probably make the same amount of money working. So, to me, that is a big difference. I have at 1042 sq. ft house right now, with no fireplace, no pool, made like crap - and my mortgage is almost 2K a month. The housing is WAY out of control money-wise. It is ridiculous. and I had to move an hour away from EVERYTHING just to afford that..
I've been looking on the internet, and with the equity I would pull away + my stock payout when my job ends - I'd be looking at about a 5-600 dollar mortgage. BIG difference, no?
Here is a perfect example of a house I would LOVE. (the one with 11 photos for 198,900)
Looks like paradise to me...
I've also been looking up the 'culture' in San Antonio and it seems really neat. Fun, friendly people, big festivals (Niosa), etc. In Seattle, if you smile at someone, they glare at you. Generally people think I'm out of my mind when I strike up conversations with strangers here. You know, the funny thing is, everyone thinks I just came up with Texas out of the blue in the last few months, but the truth is, I've been thinking about it now for around three or four years - ever since I had a dream that I moved there. I just didn't tell anyone.
Anyway, I'm in limbo right now, and I'm making lots of personal changes, but the long and short of it is that no matter how much changing I do here, I'm still in a rut. I've lived here all of my life (except 6 years in Cali) and it is time to go. I need to leave some things/memories behind here and start a new life. I wish it would start sooner, but the timing of all things will work out just the way they are supposed to. So, until then, I'll just continue to "clean things up" here and improve myself the best I can until my real adventure starts.
And yes, I know about Hurricane Ike. My heart and prayers go out to all affected.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
I just checked my "Aveda Awards" points and didn't realize how many I had racked up! I just sent for my free spa day and hair service. I'm gonna get a new "do" and color. I'm keeping it long and blonde (of course) but I need to be a little more up-to-date with my style. As some of you know, I am reinventing myself and starting fresh with many parts of my life right now, so this is a great addition. I love anything Aveda, and since I buy shampoo, conditioner, tea, makeup and get all of my hair care, etc. done in their salon, I get LOTS of points pretty quickly. In fact, I don't think it is a stretch to earn the free trip to Jamaica within 2 years! Can you imagine?? Who wants to go to "The Caves" in Jamaica with Crazydogmama!?!?! WEEEEE! I'm trying to talk my mom into going to Puerto Vallarta or something similar. She's been talking about a girl trip with me, and possibly her friend Cathy.
Here is the style I was thinking: It would look this way when I straighten it, and then then the following way when I let it be curly. (never mind the color of the hair in the pics, or the crazy looking models, lol) Do you think I could pull it off?
I also decided to order some clothes anyway because they have a nice payment deferral program from the place I like to order. I hate to do that, but I'm on a roll here, and I've waited a lifetime to pamper myself. So the hell with it. I'll post pics of some of those things later - I'm getting tired.
Speaking of starting fresh, you will notice my flickr photo icon on the right says "no pictures". I deleted them ALL. All 300+. That's right! I will be putting all new ones in there as I take them, so check back frequently.
This is about my fifth or sixth post today. Damn, I need to get out. I'll hopefully be doing that soon.
I made some cookies and am watching the Bridges of Madison County. Such a great movie - the acting is superb and I always cry at the end. It is so bittersweet. I think the coversations they have are so human and real, and I love it when she comes downstairs in the dress. If you haven't seen it, or haven't seen it in a long time, go rent it or something. Trust me.
I am by myself so this is fun. It is not bad enough to call 911 or make anyone drive all the way out here - I'll be fine. This isn't the first time I've hurt my back. It's just annoying. As soon as I can get up, I'll ice it and take some Alleve. That usually works.
Fuck, I feel stupid. "I've fallen and I can't get up!". Today, I am 90 years old.
There are some funny, funny photos in here, many that I am too embarrassed to put online - and even these are questionable...lol.
Here I am circa 1991 getting ready to go to the horse races with my grandparents in California. You can see the back yard pretty much looks the same as it does now.
Me and my grandpa dancing in the pool about 1985 or so. Good times.
Me in the 70's at the grandparent's house. I wish I could live there - it would be ultra cool.
My mom took this photo. LOL...just LOL. I don't know if she was trying to get a shot of my boobs, me stuffing my face, or the camera slipped. In any case it cracks me up! And the fact that they KEPT this pic is funny too...
Yeah, me either.
Sleeping beauty or insane insomniac? PFFT. No question there. And then there is Alien McEyeball here that refused to sleep in the bed.
I really need a new duvet. That ugly ass one is like 12 years old. The one I want is called "Damask stripe in Cabernet". Much prettier. And cooler cuz its red. Because the color of your duvet is important. Then I should paint the walls purple. Hee. I want too many things. Is there a pill that makes you stop wanting stuff? I need that.
And you wondered if I had a life. You silly, siily people. I blog everyday about NOTHING. But you know what? YOU are reading it! Hahahahahahahaha.
;-) Happy witching hour.
Friday, September 12, 2008
The dogs are staring at me. It must be dinner time. Have no clue what to do for the weekend. Staring into space seems to be the agenda at the moment.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Her and I get really silly when we hang out. She's always trying to get me to come live with her so we can be silly all the time. That is her dog Molly, who I named. I name the dogs.
And the lonely little flower.