Monday, June 16, 2008

"When Ignorance is Bliss, Somebody Save Me From Myself" - Jars of Clay

It's an interesting quote/lyric, I think. I'm not going to write my interpretation or what it means to me, but leave that to you. You might think it is intriguing or insightful, or you may just think it is ridiculous and makes no sense. It's up to you. That is the beauty of lyrics, poems, quotes, books, and basically everything communicated - it is subject to interpretation. Sometimes I find something that really speaks to me for whatever reason. This is what got me thinking today.

I had a major meltdown yesterday - which was really fun - and I felt so bad for doing that when it was the first time I had seen my mom in so long. She worries about me - and she is dealing with major stuff herself. I kept apologizing, which she didn't understand, but I wanted her to know that I wasn't trying to upset her, that my emotions were just on overload yesterday. I'm sedate today and back to autopilot - although my eyes look like somebody punched me in them. They are all puffy and swollen. I hate that. Coming to work sometimes helps get my mind off of things. I am forced to deal with the world, and responsibilities.

In my younger days, especially when I was in Law Enforcement, I had the ability to be "robotic" with emotions. I could turn them off with the snap of my fingers. Completely disengage from emotion all together whenever I wanted to. For some reason, I lost that ability somewhere along the road. It wasn't that I didn't have emotions, I could just control them. "I'll cry about that later. I'll get angry about that tomorrow." Just shove them aside. I can still maintain absolute control in a crisis, but on an everyday level, if I feel sad, I'm sad, if I feel irritated, I'm irritated. No hiding it. Weird, huh?

I had Eggo waffles for breakfast from the company kitchen this morning. My eating has been less than stellar this last week. I haven't cooked - just been eating crap. Macaroni and cheese, frozen burritos, waffles, etc. - or not eating at all. I'm thinking I need some vegetables and lean meat soon because I was doing so well - and now no wonder I feel like a big pile of poo. My brain is fuzzy from all the junk food.

1 comment:

Ann(ie) said...

I have never been able to turn off my emotions. I wish I could. Matt can do that, too and immerse himself in a hobby or activity and put it on the back burner for a bit. I just sob openly and announce that life sucks as many times as is humanly possible.

But, I do agree with you. When I eat better I feel better and my head is clearer. When I eat like poo I feel like poo. That is mehmet wisdom.