Sunday, June 15, 2008

It's been an especially hard day for me so far.

It is Father's Day and also my dad's birthday. I've spent a good part of the morning curled up in the fetal position crying. Some parts of me feel so empty and gone. It is hard to explain. I don't even know who I am right now. For lots of reasons.

My mom is back, and is coming over for dinner - so that will be nice, but I'm not such good company right now. I'm glad she is home, though, I've missed her terribly - she's been gone for 9 weeks.

Happy Father's Day to all the Fathers out there - and to all of you who can, go give your fathers a big hug and kiss and tell them how much you love them.

5 comments:

Ann(ie) said...

OH sweetheart. That's a double whammy if I ever heard one. It's gotta be a dark day for you and I'm sending you a bigass virtual hug. :( I'll bet you can't wait to see your mom and vice versa. Ride it out with some wine and stories about your dad that make you both smile.

I'm meloncoly today, too. I always am on Father's Day. I'm estranged from my own douchebag of a dad, but on days like this I think of him and just hope he's happy. And I wish he could have been more of a dad, but I don't think he has it in him. And part of me even misses the SOB.

xo.

Crazydogmama said...

Oh Annie, I'm sorry. I'm the worst advice-giver in the world, and it is certainly none of my business, but maybe you should call him. Sometimes SOB's get soft, and I'm sure he loves you and just doesn't know how to show it. Big kisses and hugs.

Ann(ie) said...

Nope. He doesn't deserve it. He could call me and say I hear I have a grandson and I'd love to meet him or I've been a jackass to my children for too many years to count and I'm so sorry, but it won't be me picking up that phone to make any first move. Jake feels the same way. And now that I'm a parent I know it should be him. There's no greater love you feel for your own child, but I think my dad missed that parental gene. I know I sound bitter b/c I am and I feel talking about this so cavalier and all because it SO sucks that you lost your dad so early. :( But, your dad knew what the hell he was doing. He was always so loving and caring and you meant the world to him and it SHOWED. xoxoxo.

Anonymous said...

hi cheryl...this was perhaps the best advice anybody ever gave me after my mom died 10 years ago.

GO FIND A GRIEF SUPPORT GROUP!!!!!

For months I was in a very bad way. I functioned mainly on autopilot and did a very good job of functioning in a normal manner..until I was at home, at my desk or in my car *by myself* and all alone.... Then I would cry. Uncontrollably and ALL.THE.TIME. It didn't get better until I got down to business and worked through my grief, anger, guilt, etc surrounding her death. (she spent 3 months on life support in ICU unable to commuicate or respond to me after a heart surgery gone very very bad)...she was only 53 years old.

One-on-one psychotherapy didn't work for me....AT ALL and trust me I tried hard at it. It wasn't until I got into a group of my "peers" where everybody else understood where I was coming from and how I felt that I got better. Journaling and visualization exercises they taught us helped so much. Within 6 months I was back to myself and feeling much much better. Don't mean to take over your blog today just want to give you the same advice that got me out of my black hole. It's not that I was suicidal per se, but I got to the point I didn't want to live anymore feeling the way that I was. I have never been in such a dark place.

Grief groups can be found via hospitals and hospice centers. Mine was free. It gave me back my LIFE. ~Nichole

Crazydogmama said...

Nichole - thanks, I will look into it. I may need several different groups for all my different things. ha. I'm not suicidal, but I don't care whether I live or die. If someone came up to me and pointed a gun, I would just say "go ahead, pull the trigger. do me a favor." Which sucks. I'm so sorry about your mom - it sounds like our circumstances are very similar. I feel like I just have too much to deal with. Just too overwhelmed. EVERY single aspect of my life is in disheaval. I can't even get my dogs to obey me.

Annie - my heart goes out to you, too. I didn't know that your dad hadn't even seen Ben yet. That is so terrible. I'm so very sorry. Thank God for your wonderful husband and your step dad.