Monday, June 09, 2008

Are you sure you want me to blog?

I'm not in a good mood. I will bring you down. I didn't blog yesterday - the first day in months because I just didn't see the point. I really don't want to blog today, but people are starting to get concerned. I'm sorry about that - its hard to share your pain sometimes. How I'm feeling? Like I don't care whether I live or die. Don't get all freaked - its just a feeling.

I kind of collapsed yesterday and slept all day. The whole not sleeping thing eventually catches up with you. I'm tired of hearing myself complain, so I figured the rest of the world could do without it too. I'm depressed - sad I guess. I'm not just having a couple of bad days - I can't shake the funk and its starting to piss me off. So many things have happened to me personally in the last 6 months or so, and I tend to internalize everything. I guess that catches up with you too. Just when you think you are strong, you find out how weak you are. The work is piling up on my desk and I'm just staring at it. I'm going to have to gather all the strength I have to do it. I don't think anyone is going to rescue me from this mess.

Some days I have great hope for things, then the next I just feel like a fool. Yeah, I blog about some things, and I talk to a therapist, but what it comes down to, is no matter how hard I try, know. No one gets what's going on with me, because I keep most of it to myself. I'll feel good for about a week here and there. Honestly, right now, I don't feel like praying, and I don't feel like talking. Which isn't like me. Life throws weird stuff at you. Sometimes I don't get it. I find myself saying stuff like "What am I supposed to do with that?" "How am I supposed to react to this?" Just feeling alone, even though I'm really not. Don't give up on me.

Someone just came up to me and told me I looked nice today. Which is sweet, especially since it was a guy. But I'm like, whatever, thanks.

Somebody needs to smack me, geez!

I managed to snap a couple of Monday morning piss-fest pictures of myself. These are not the sexiest pics, I know.

Back away slowly. I bite.

Trying to throw a kiss, but look as though I'm about to burst into tears? Hot.

1 comment:

shit staker said...

awwwww, cheryl...i'm sorry you are having a rough time, i have had many rough times come from nowhere just like you describe, except they really come from nowhere, nothing happens, i just get down. just remember you have had a lot of difficult stuff the last 6 mos, ALOT, and it does take time, just keep trying...let me know if there is anything i can do... xo