Tuesday, March 14, 2006

My Life with Dogs, Part I

Besides the latter post, I haven't been dog-blogging lately. Its time. Now that I am home more (not working two jobs), I have really had time to pay attention to the little furry fuckers. It is NOW that I have chosen to attempt to explain them to you in all their quirky glory. Louie will be first - then Maggie on the next post.

a.k.a. Lou, Lou-dog, Lou-Master, Lou-Bear, Bear, Assbag, dumbass, fucker and fuzz-butt.

Louie is an island. He is complex, cynical, highly intelligent, clumsy, adorable, stubborn as hell, moody and funny. I love him so much it hurts.

Louie will pretty much eat anything, and he is totally preoccupied with anything edible. He especially loves to put his face in my dinner plate when I am eating on the coffee table. (Much to my chagrin.) If you accidently leave any food on the coffee table - you can just forget about it. Louie 'checks' the coffee table every morning upon waking. Louie can be on the other side of the yard, or totally asleep in his crate, but if you open the refrigerator, Louie will be on you like a fly on shit. If you make him 'go lay down' and stop begging, he will lay facing you - staring a hole through you with every bite you take. This drives Jim batshit.

Louie likes to ignore me on purpose because he knows how much it pisses me off. I like to lay on the couch and watch T.V. - and I like to have my furries lay with me to keep me warm. I will call him and call him and call him. It is though I do not exist. Sometimes I have to FORCE HIM to lay with me and he will commence immediately to looking as though someone has licked all of the red off of his candy. (This is what I call "Yoda Ears".) Once I give up and let him go, he will either lay beside the couch or wander down the hallway into his crate - sulking. If I get up, however, he follows me everywhere and will invariably plunk down beside me wherever I end up - even if it is on the toilet. I never pee alone.

When I take a shower, Louie plops his two front paws on top of the tub, moves the shower curtain back with his nose and watches me. He will lick my legs if I let him. He is a total perv.

Louie is extremely vocal. Louie play-growls like he is possessed. He barks for no reason. When he wants your attention, he will sway from side to side on his front paws while sitting, then whine and 'talk' to you. He SOUNDS like a pitbull, but he runs from spiders. In the morning, if he believes you have slept long enough, he will bark in your face and "dig" your blankets off of you.

Do not disturb Louie when he is sleeping or eating. He has a total hissy-fit.

Louie gets VERY excited around new people. He loves people, especially kids. Watch out, though, cuz he head-butts in all of his excitement. When I come home from work, Louie licks my face and jumps on me for about a half an hour. THEN, he will ignore me.

If you do anything to upset Louie, he will spite-piss right in front of you. (Like, every time I give him a bath.) Louie pees like a bitch - he never lifts his leg. He also looks really funny when he poops - its like he can barely balance. Then, when he is finished pooping, he "pumps" his tail to get every last dingleberry out.

Louie will play with Maggie, but he is slow and klutsy - and can't take a corner to save his life due to the fact that his back legs are too long. Its pitiful. He also tries to hump Maggie all the live-long day, but she won't have it. He gets all frustrated and barks at her.

Louie is a homo-phobe. When you stick a thermometer up his butt, he SCREAMS IN HORROR. He also wails and carries on to no end when I clip his nails. I'm sure the neighbors think I'm skinning him alive when he makes these noises.

Louie will disembowel any toy given to him just outside of 30 seconds.

Louie likes to steal my underwear and hide it in his crate.

Louie likes to find good smells in the yard, and roll on them. These smells frequently are: insects, frogs, cat shit, vomit and old, rotting grass.

Louie is constantly running into things - flower pots, kitchen cabinets, the coffee table legs, me, the fence, etc. He is not blind, nor does he have cataracts. He just doesn't pay attention - and he trips over himself.

When I am crying, he licks my tears.

If you go to pet him on the head, it will ALWAYS end up as a belly-scratch. He will totally manipulate you.

He "huffs" and "sighs" just like a human.

When he is scared, he "hugs" you. Either that, or he hides behind the toilet.

He freaks out over flies.

and last, but not least, he smiles. (See head image of him on my banner)

1 comment:

Swedophilia said...

haha. Most people who really love dogs seem a bit sad and lost, but you are putting up a humorous and entertaining fight back against this stereotype.