Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Normal or Not?
After reading Skwigg's latest blog entry, I started thinking about my own body image and relationship with food. I am not quite sure if I have (or have had) a disorder or not. I've been thin, I've been fat, I've been in-between. I've been a lazy couch potato, and I've been an athlete. Did I gain weight after marriage? Of course. I don't think I gained because I got "comfortable", but more because my life became extremely stressful and chaotic - and went from obstacle courses at the Police Academy to sitting in front of a computer all day. I couldn't afford a gym at that time, and didn't handle ANY kind of domestic dispute with ease. My marriage started off pretty rough, but I never thought for one second - "oh, I got a man, so who cares anymore". I used to care what people thought of me, but anymore I'm like "you don't like my body? bite me - I don't like your face." I really just don't care what anyone else thinks. I want to be healthy and pretty for hubby, but he doesn't exactly spend a whole lot of time worrying about his gut. and I don't care about that either. I like to tease him lovingly and kiss his fat - as he does mine.

I think it would be much fun to "strut my stuff" around with a very ripped, tan bod, but I'm not going to starve myself for it. I'm just going to keep plugging away at my muscle-building and healthy eating. I still smoke, so my health is at stake there - it would be stupid to be all thin, and still hack up lung cheese. I have good weeks, and bad weeks, and in the end I'm still just running the race with all the other gym rats. I had to find a "fun" way to it - just like Skwigg did with her martial arts. The same routine everyday bores me to DEATH. For me, I am experimenting with different classes (yoga, aeroflex, etc.) and meeting fun people. I'm trying to get a friend of mine to split time with me and my personal trainer - to make it cheaper and that much more fun. We are both sarcastic and fiesty - and it would just be a blast. I am also going to be swimming, hiking and finding fun things to do this summer. If I have a mocha for breakfast...oh well, I'll have a protein shake for breakfast tomorrow. Life is short, people, don't waste it worrying about every little calorie. Do your best to be healthy, get help if you need it. I've had therapy, a personal trainer, a nutritionist - you name it. Every one of those things was beneficial in some way and has helped me. EDUCATION! The more you know, the better.

My philosophy about self image is this: nothing will ever be good enough. you will never be perfect. It's just like money - you can never have too much, and even if you are a billionaire - you still want more and fight like hell to keep it. Find a happy medium and celebrate what life has to offer, because before you know it your teeth will falling out and your boobs will be dragging on the floor. When you are 90, do want to be showing everyone how good you "used to look" in pictures while secretly miserable because you aren't that way anymore, or having tea and crumpets in the garden laughing with your friends talking about how great your life has been?

A couple days of eats this week...

1. Iced mocha WITH WHIPCREAM! Vitamins.
2. Banana and some lean canadian bacon
3. Grilled chicken with a little teriyaki, 1/4 cup brown rice, small romaine salad with vinegar
4. Ostrich stick, and protein shake
5. Grilled vegetable medley with flax oil, seasoned lean beef
6. Zone bar

1. Piece of wheat toast with peanut butter, protein shake. Vitamins
2. Ostrich stick, banana
3. Egg white omelete with green, yellow and orange peppers, onion, tomato and flax oil. Berries.
4. Zone bar
5. Seasoned chicken breast, small potato, salad with lite dressing and fat free croutons and veggies.
6. 6oz of crab meat mixed with fat-free mayo and diced veggies over a piece of wheat toast. Same salad as previous meal. Iced mocha for dessert.

I have absolutely no idea how many calories that is, or what my protein/carb/fat ratio is. I worked out hard for 60 minutes at the gyms the first, and 75 minutes the second. I feel great. I got over my cold pretty quickly. I still have a ton a weight I want to lose...but ONE day at a time, baby! ;-)


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